Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[justlovesex]

A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquires.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

[PussyDigger2]

t was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.

So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"

The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."

"And why did you take him?"

The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."

[PussyDigger2]

Three guys were in the restaurant and they all were starving. Suddenly one angel appeared and said to three guys to make one wish. Angel asked the first guy to make a wish, first guys said: "I wish I were in White House." Angel made his wish and he asked the second guy and he said: "I wish I were in France with a lot of girls." Angel made his wish and asked the third guy and third guy said: "Hmm... I feel alone, I wish those two guys were back here again!"

[PussyDigger2]

A quite boozy dentist sits in his practice on a Christmas Eve. There rushes an older woman into his cabinet, moaning: "O! My tooth hurts like hell! Pull it out, son!" "I am a bit boozy," the dentist argues. "I might get a wrong tooth. You better come after the Christmas." "Take it off, now! I'll pay you! I cannot stand it anymore!" So the doctor gets down to it. Puts the old woman into his chair, tells her to open her mouth, puts the pincers into her mouth and... The old lady screams, leaps up and rushes out of the cabinet. After a couple of days a well-suited businessman walks into the same dentist's practice and asks: "Doctor, did you pull out a tooth of and old lady on the Christmas Eve?" "Yes, I did," the dentist says, wondering if he's in trouble now... "Well, here is 50 000 dollars and the keys of a SUV," the businessman says. "For what is that?" the doctor asks. "That woman was my mother-in-law. And you pulled out not the tooth but her tongue."

[magixskin]

Horse And Chicken

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the
farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to
the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car
forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the
mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So
he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

[magixskin]

Fish and Cat Story

One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.

The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."

As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."

Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.

However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."

At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.

The moral of this story is:

If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.

[magixskin]

repost

Christmas Gifts

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note :

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with thembefore I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

[beary]

Santa Claus, Inc.
North Pole

Dear _____________,

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some
goodies for me to leave under your tree on Christmas.

I was going to bring you all the gifts from the "Twelve Days of Christmas," but we have a little problem up here. The Twelve Fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the Ten Ladies Dancing; the Eleven Lords a Leaping have knocked up the Eight Maids a Milking; the Nine Pipers Playing have been arrested for doing weird things to the Seven Swans a Swimming; and the Six Geese a Laying, Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two Turtle Doves, and the Partridge In a Pear Tree have me up to my ass in bird crap!

On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through the menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the Gay Liberation
Movement, and those dumb-ass Polacks have scheduled Christmas in Poland for the 5th of February.

Sincerely,

SANTA

[beary]

Santa's Pickup Lines


10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?

8. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!

7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

6. I know when you`ve been bad or good--so let`s skip the small talk, sister!

5. Some of my best toys run on batteries... <wink wink>

4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that`s what the Mrs. calls it.)

3. I see you when you`re sleeping--and you don`t wear any underwear, do you?

2. Screw the "nice" list--I`ve got you on my "naughty" list!

1. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

[splicer]

Enjoying her vacation in Hawaii, Lisa called a cafe to make reservations for 7 P.M.
Checking her book, the cheery hostess said, "I'm sorry, but all we have is 6:45. Would you like that?"
"That's fine, " Lisa said.
"Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised that you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."

[splicer]

A salesman from KFC went to the Pope and offered him $1 million to change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken."
The Pope refused his offer.
Two weeks later, the man offered the Pope $70 million, and, finally, the Pope accepted.
The next day, the Pope said to his officials, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is we have just received a check for $20 million. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!"

[splicer]

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said, "Life is so darn boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. the first fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."

[magixskin]

12 Step Program Of Recovery For Web Addicts

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

[magixskin]

The Gay Flight Attendant

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen so I outrank you. So put the tray-up, Bitch"

[magixskin]

How to save the airlines

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell, they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton