Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[kereikera]

Don't you just love............

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where
my watch is pal, where is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I
ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room
for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the
channel manually.

3. When people say, "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
That’s right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this?
Who and where are they? (The asylum is my guess)

5. When something is 'new and improved!’ Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there
must have been something before it.

6. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?".
Yes, the bus has come. That's why I'm standing here waiting for it

7. People who say things like 'my eyes aren't what they used to be. So
what did they used to be? Ears, gum, boot?

8.When your eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's
really revolting, I always eat stuff I hate.

9. People who announce they are going to the toilet.
Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

10. When you're involved in an accident and someone asks 'Are you alright?’
Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

[kereikera]

Two morons are riding around looking for a place to have a picnic. One moron says, "Hey, lets have a picnic over there under that tree." The other moron says," No, no, lets have it in the middle of the road." They fought and came to a decision to have it in the middle of the road. Not long afterwards a car came speeding towards them, swerved off the road and ran into the tree. One moron says, “See if we were over there we would be dead right now."

[kereikera]

There was this man who was just getting married, but he didn't know how to have sex. So he asked his dad, "What do I do?" His dad said, "Take a walkie-talkie with you and I will tell you what to do” So he gets married and carries his newly wed into the honeymoon suite and throws her on the bed. He walks into the other room and calls his dad on the walkie-talkie, "Dad, what do I do?" "Ok, first take off her clothes and start kissing her." So, he does what his dad said. Then he goes into the room and calls him, "Now what?" "Then you start touching her." So he starts to touch her. Then he goes back to the walkie-talkie, "NOW what?" "Ok, son," replies his dad. "Now here comes the best part. Take what you and me BOTH have.... and stick it into her!" So the man runs into the room and sticks the walkie-talkie into her.

[kereikera]

This guy and his girlfriend were at a Lookout Point. They started heavily making out guy thinking he was going to score asked the girl, "Do you want to go to the back seat?" She replies, "No!" So respecting her choice he kindly went back to making out with her. Ten minutes later he started fingering her and she was moaning so he asks again, "Do you want to go to the back seat?" Once again she says "No!" and he goes back to work. Another 10 minutes go by and he asks, "Do you want to go to the back?" she once again says "No!" Pissed off he says, "Why the hell not?" She says, "Because I want to stay up here with you!"

[kereikera]

Two fellows are sitting in the waiting room. One is a smart fellow and the other is an idiot.
The smart fellow is called first. He goes and sits on the chair.
He is asked three questions.
1."Are you mentally challenged?"
He replies - "No, I don't think so."
2."Who is the president of the USA?"
He says - "George Bush Junior."
3."What kind of job can we expect from you?"
He is trained for this question - "The finest in the country, sir."
The interviewer is very impressed. He puts this fellow down as an immediate reference. He then calls in the next fellow, the idiot.
Outside the smart fellow and the idiot meet. The idiot, as usual, does not want to think. He asks the smart fellow, "Please tell me all the answers." The smart fellow does so, in proper order and goes away. The idiot enters the interview room. The interviewer, seeing the fellow, gets to know that he is an idiot and so he pulls out an easier set of questions. And so it goes -
1."Do you have parents?"
As he was told, he replies - "No, I don't think so."
2."That is not possible. You must at least have a father. What is his name?"
He replies - "George Bush Junior."
The interviewer, rather flustered, looks up from the questionnaire and asks the idiot, "What kind of an idiot can you possibly be?"
So comes the reply - "The finest in the country, sir."

[HCKing]

REG goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.
When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his
poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his
migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doctor, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm
going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school,
but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have
a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a
while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can
stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I
get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is
killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the
headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and
see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, REG returns with a big grin. "Braddah! I took
your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for
17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Braddah," REG adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."

[HCKing]

How do you clean a condom?
Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it!


How can a man tell when his sperm count is elevated?
His girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

[HCKing]

REG walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, REG comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him
to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day REG is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
retard.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."

[HCKing]

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.
When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.
The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool
down there."
The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"

[sean69]

Originally Posted by HCKing

REG walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, REG comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him
to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day REG is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
retard.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."

hahhaa.. thats a good joke!!!

bro.. if you want to make a joke of REG, you should put him as the pharmacist and yourself as the customer ...

[HCKing]

Originally Posted by sean69

hahhaa.. thats a good joke!!!

bro.. if you want to make a joke of REG, you should put him as the pharmacist and yourself as the customer ...

oh ya u r right bro, haha.

[decibel8808]

LOL Hcking bro u really hate his guts dont you??

[HCKing]

Originally Posted by decibel8808

LOL Hcking bro u really hate his guts dont you??

wah cannot like that say our braddah REG leh bro, wait he refuses to be the lead actor in my jokes liao how???

[sinner1234]

Originally Posted by HCKing

REG goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.
When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his
poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his
migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doctor, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm
going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school,
but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have
a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a
while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can
stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I
get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is
killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the
headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and
see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, REG returns with a big grin. "Braddah! I took
your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for
17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Braddah," REG adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."

"boh mata". Statutory rape manzzzzz

bro hcking, haha thnx. I quite like this.

[kereikera]

A husband returned earlier from a business trip and he wanted to surprise his wife. The wife was, of course, in the bed with the neighbor - Peter. As she heard her husband coming home she told Peter to hide in the wardrobe. She lied down on the floor, pretending she had a heart attack. Her husband came in and saw his wife on the floor. He was very alarmed! At that moment his little kid came in saying: “Daddy, daddy! Peter is hiding in the wardrobe!”
The man went to the wardrobe and shouted: “You nerd! Instead helping me with my sick wife, you're playing hide-and-seek with the kid!”