Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[kereikera]

Five reasons not to be a penis:
1) Your head is bald forever.
2) You live between two nuts.
3) An asshole lives behind you.
4) Your best mate’s a cunt.
5) When you get excited, you get sick and then faint.

[kereikera]

A man on a business trip is looking for a little action. So he picked up a Chinese hooker and took her back to his hotel. While having sex she was screaming OMWA OMWA!! He did not speak Chinese so he kept on going he wanted to get his $3.00 worth.

The next day he chilled out and went for a game of golf with this Chinese worker. He took a big swing and hit the golf ball as hard as he could.

The Chinese man said in a sad voice "OMWA" the guy looked at him strangely and asked: "what does that mean?" The Chinese man then said: "you have got it in the wrong hole"

[kereikera]

There is a hot dog, a cucumber, and a dick. The hot dog said, "My life is very bad. People put catsup, mustard, and relish and then they eat me." Then the cucumber said "My life is worse, People chop me up put me in dill brine and pickle me." Then the dick said, "My life is the worst ever! They shove me into a plastic tube, put me in a tunnel and make me do jumping-jacks until I puke."

[kereikera]

This guy walks into a bar and takes two steps in; he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck", he says, "I really want a drink. “When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?" The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. “All I want is a drink". The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because "It really satisfies. “The customer looks dumb founded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fellow proudly replies, "Cause it takes a licking' and keeps on ticking!" A little shaken, the customer turns to the fellow on his right, who is sipping a fruity margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job 1."Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately? “Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer. “The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, “Why secret? “The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN."

[IamVirgin]

A man had a flat tire on a very cold winter day. He told his girl
friend he'd have it fixed in no time.
However as it was very cold his hands kept getting cold. He asked
his girl if he could put his hands between her knees to warm them.

She said that would be allright. After getting his hands warm he
went back to fixing the tire but it was so cold he could not
continue so he again asked his girl if he could warm his hands.

She again said it would be allright. When his hands were warm he
went back to fixing the tire once more. But before he been out
there five minutes or so he again asked her if he could warm his
hands.

His girl asked "Honey don't your ears ever get cold?"

[IamVirgin]

Once some boys got together to play poker one night, after about 4 hours of playing, Tim had severe chest pains and suddenly slumped over, one of the gamblers who happened to be a doctor, examined him, and to everybodies shock, poor Tim had died of a heart attack.
All his friends didn't know how to break the news to his wife, finally Johnny said: 'I can be diplomatic about it and break the news gently!'.
Johnny rang the bell at Tim's house, and when his wife answered the door, he calmly said to her:
'Tim just gambled with us and lost 1,000 dollars!'
When Tim's wife heard this she said: 'Tell him to just drop dead!'
Johnny answered: 'That's exactly what he did!'.

[IamVirgin]

The pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent
marriage annulled. "On what grounds ?" questioned the Judge, "This
court does not take annulments lightly."

"Non-virginity," replied the quarterback, "When I married her, I
thought I was getting a tight end, but instead, I found that I had
married a wide receiver."

[IamVirgin]

A guy is screwing a great looking blonde.
The girl asks, "You haven't got AIDS have you?"
He replies, "No."
She responds, "Oh, thank heavens for that!!
I don't want to get that again...!"

[IamVirgin]

Why I Fired My Secretary

I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,
"I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and
shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big
kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and
there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So
I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well,
she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they
will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying
my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,
yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to
miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.


When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile
and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some
coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.


Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since
it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make
me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and
since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have
lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of
town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a
nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't
we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a good
idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her
apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you
will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she
left the room.


In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big
birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with
nothing on but my socks.

[kereikera]

A tourist was hiking through the backcountry when he stubbed his toe hard. It immediately started bleeding, swelling and aching terribly. He returned to the nearest small town and searched for a doctor. The doctor said, "Well, we're a very small town and my hospital isn't equipped to do the surgery that toe requires and the bus won't be through here until tomorrow to take you out." The tourist begged for some relief from the pain, so the understanding doctor offered him a pill. "What's this? My toe is broken and you offer me a Viagra? What good will that pill do?" Smiling, the doctor reassured him, “take it before you go to bed and it will keep the blankets off your toe so you can sleep".

[kereikera]

A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, 'We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?' The business man replied: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?'

[kereikera]

A female employee went to speak to her boss. She told him "Well, since every female employees is suing you for sexual harassment, and you never sexually harassed me; I am going to sue you for discrimination."

[kereikera]

A woman walks into a bank, goes up to the teller, and says, “ I want to open a fucking savings account!” The teller blinks and says, “Excuse me?” “I said,” the woman, says, “I want to open a fucking savings account!” “You are very rude,” says the teller.

“There is no need to use that kind of language. With that, she goes and gets the bank manager. The bank manager comes back with the teller and asks the woman, “What seems to be the problem?” “Look,” the woman says, “I just won the lottery for ten million dollars and I just want to open up a fucking savings account!”

The manager looks at the teller and then at the woman and says, “And this bitch is giving you a hard time?

[kereikera]

A man walks into the welfare office and tells the clerk, "You know, I'm getting tired of this welfare thing. I hate the image, and I don't want to be a drain on the public resources. It's time I found a real job." The clerk looks at him and replies, "Sir, we have just the thing for you. We have an opening for someone to be chauffeur and companion to rich young heiress. You drive her to shopping and lunch and Pilate’s classes, and satisfy all her sexual urges. You have the use of a stretch limo, and a two bedroom apartment over the garage. The salary is $300,000 a year plus expenses." The man stares at the clerk for a moment and then says, "You're bullshitting me!" The clerk replies sarcastically, "Well, you started it!"

[bigbirdbird]

The night before her wedding, Wendy talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."

The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."

"I know how to screw, mother," Wendy interrupted. "I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna."