Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[birdie8819]

The teacher announces, "The topic of the day is describe your mother to me as a bird, and tell me why."

She leaves the kiddies for a short while and then asks them their answers.

Kelly at the front goes first, "My Mummy's like a swan, because she's white and elegant"

"Thank you Kelly" says teacher, and she continues going around the class.

Bobby says "My Mummy's like a stork, cos she has babies and babies, and I have 7 brothers and 3 sisters."

"Thank you Bobby." says the teacher, and continues with the other students.

Finally there is no-one left but Little Johnny, so the teacher finally asks him, "Johnny, what bird most resembles your mother?"

Little Johnny pipes up with "A thrush!"

The teacher, thinking she may finally have a decent answer asks, "Why is that?"

Little Johnny replies, "Because she's an irritating bitch!"

[Roman city]

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she
told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys.
"He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let
him do that."

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to
like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand
between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to
get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that,
but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and
could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old
lady said.

She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he
tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

[SonofHeaven]

Thank you for sharing!!

[sexluver1314]

Happy New Year. Thanks for sharing

[Cum_Luver]

Money not enough

This happened in England and with 2 broke (Alan and Bryan). Both of them wanted a drink very much but no matter how many times they went through their pockets they only had 2pounds put together. (In England, it takes about 3pounds for a beer).

Alan came up with a brilliant idea and told Bryan " DON'T WORRY WE WILL GET DEAD DRUNK TONIGHT!!!!!" So Alan went to supermarket and told the folks there " GIVE ME THE LONGEST SUASAGE THAT 2 POUNDS CAN GET ME!" and they proceeded to the first pub in the pub Street of London.

When they were about to their first drink. Alan took out suasage and put it into his groin area. He then unzip his pants and asked Bryan to suck it. The bartender saw the sucking action between the 2 man and thrown them out of the pub. Bryan told Alan " YOUR PLAN IS THE BEST!!!" NOW WE GET TO DRINK FOR FREE!!!"

Both men went down the pub street going through at least 15 pubs doing the same act and getting the same treatment from the bartenders.

After the 15th pub, Bryan said " I AM A GONER! YOU HAVE THE BEST PLAN. ME SUCKING THE SUASAGE YOU BOUGHT! I NEVER HAD SOO MUCH FUN WITHOUT PAYING ANY MONEY!!!"

Alan whose also drunk replied "ME TOO! I NEVER FELT SO GOOD IN MY LIFE BEING DRUNK AND THE BEST PART IS THAT I LOST THE SUASAGE SOMEWHERE IN THE BEGINING AND WE COULD STILL HAVE DRINKS FOR FREE!"

[y291252001]

Happy New Year!!! Here are some interesting condom advertisments. Pardon me if they've been posted before....

[seesaw]

The world according to men

Every blowjob you give, adds one month to your life.

If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five porterhouse steaks - but contains only 150 calories.

A handjob a day keeps arthritis away.

Every ten minutes of dry humping is equivalent to ten minutes on the treadmill.

Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.

Intercourse prevents divorce.

Regular screwing releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of brain cells.

Sex eliminates headaches.

Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard", triples your chances of getting into heaven.

Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.

[seesaw]

The Female Genie

While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded,"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said,"Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.'

The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side.

His dick was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

God is good.

[ilovelife.now]

Ba Ba Bastard have you any kids?

Yes Sir, Yes Sir, 3 damn kids.
1 from my neighbour,
1 from my maid and
1 from the prostitute who never got paid!!

[ilovelife.now]

Smo-king
Drin-king
Lic-king
Suc-king and of course,
Fuck-king!

[Roman city]

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.

A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?"

"That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class . . . and never returned.

However, as she was going out the door, the professor, absoultely straight-faced, answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

[cutepig]

Hi all. I am new here and there is one thing I dont understand. I shared a joke here but i got my points deducted. Why? I didnt see any rules for the jokes that is to be shared. Im sure I followed the rules for making a post. This is so weird.

[bakylotus]

Its okay bro cutepig. Sometimes we come across a
samster that did not like the joke and deduct the
points. It happened to me and I'm sure quite a few
others too. Up you for your efforts!

[bakylotus]

ANOTHER MARRIAGE SECRET


A friend mentioned the secret to his 52 years
of marriage, so I asked him to spill it. 'We never
go to sleep angry', he replied.

'That's a great philosophy', I answered.

'Yes', he agreed and continued, 'the longest we've
been awake is five days!'.

[LostControl]

So many funny jokes here.