Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[sexluver1314]

Keep it up bro. It brighten my day

[Roman city]

A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep. She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dogs testicles and he will stop snoring.

A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around the dogs testicles, and sure enough the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed.

Later that night her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husbands testicles. Amazingly it also works on him. The woman sleeps very soundly.

The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his scrotum. He is very confused.

He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to his dogs scrotum. He looks at the dog and says "Boy, I don't remember what
the hell happened last night, but wherever you and I were, we got first and second place.

[Thailord]

Making Small Talk

Two men were seated next to each other on a plane when the first man turned to his seatmate and said: "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

"What would you like to discuss?" the second man asked.

"Oh, I don't know," said the first man: "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," the second man replied: "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the first man: "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said the second man: "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

[Thailord]

Default
A waitress walks up to the table of three Japanese men at a New York City restaurant. When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that the 3 men are furiously masturbating!

She asks, "What the hell are you perverts doing?", to which one of the men replied, "We all berry hungry"!

She responds, "But why are you whacking off?" One of the three says, "Because menu say `first come, first served!"

[Thailord]

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?

Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Fucking Japanese."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

[Thailord]

A Japanese exchange student sat in a science classroom, totally stumped at a question on the final exam.

The question asked: "Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, thinking he could not use personal experience. Suddenly, he smiled, remembering some things he has overheard his mother say. He wrote:

1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

He still needed a fourth answer. He tried to put himself in the place of a child, but that didn't work. Suddenly, he smiled again. He wrote as the final answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

He sat back, considering how proud his friends would be for their genius friend who lived overseas.

[Thailord]

Indian Version

It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrashekhar Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said "Give meLiberty, or give me Death"?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.
"Very good!" Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrashekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more! about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Indians,"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Chandrashekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrashekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra
Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're fucked!"
And Chandrashekhar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2005."

[Thailord]

Another one
Johnny goes to the teacher and says he's too smart for third grade, and should be sent to fourth grade. Teacher takes him to the principal, and says she wants to take a test.
Principal says, ok, go ahead.
Teacher: what does a cow have four of, that I have only two of?
Johnny:legs.
Teacher: whats in your pants that starts with a 'P' and ends with a 'S' and I dont have it?
Johnny: Pockets.
Teacher: What starts with a 'C' and ends with a 'T' and is hairy, oval, and juicy and you lick its sweet juice?
Johnny: Coconut.
Teacher: What is it that a lady does sitting down, a guy does standing up, and a dog does on three feet?
Johnny: Shake hands.
Teacher: What four letter word starts with F and ends with K and if a man
can't get it he uses his hands?
Johhny: Fork
The teacher turns to the Principal and says, he is fit for fourth grade, what do you think?
The principal says, he is fit for fifth grade, I did not know the right answer to any of them myself.

[Thailord]

A man suspected his wife of cheating on him, so he hired a famous Japanese detective Dr. Yogosaki Hiroshima.

He told him to keep an eye on his wife and see what she does the whole week and report back to him.

A week later the man recieves this report from the chinese detective:

REPORT:
You leave house.
He come house.

He and she leave house.
I follow.

He and she get on train.
I follow.

He and she get off train.
I follow.

He and she go into hotel.
I climb tree, look in window.

He kiss she.
She kiss he.

He strip she.
She strip he.

He play with she.
She play with he.

I play with me.
Fall out of tree.

No see.

No fee.

[Thailord]

A 75-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the old man went to the doctors office and gave him the jar, which was empty. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the young girl next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."

[Thailord]

A guy is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it’s missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
His girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
“No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don’t say a word.” She tells him, “Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven’t done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them.”
He sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So he decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. He remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and screams, “OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I’LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES”

[bakylotus]

Son: 'Mom, when I was on the bus with
Dad this morning, he told me to give
up my seat to a lady'.

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right
thing son'.

Son: 'But Mom, I was sitting on Daddy's
lap'.






A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would
you have married me if my father hadn't
left me a fortune?'

'Honey', the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd
have married you, no matter who left you
a fortune!'.

[ilovelife.now]

Daniel fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a deserted island with six women, he couldn’t believe his good fortune. They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man.

Daniel threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly.

One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more men to share his duties when he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves. Daniel swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness.

“You can’t believe how happy I am to see you,” he cried.

The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, “You’re a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing!”

“Crap,” sighed Daniel, “there go my Sundays.”

[seesaw]

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

[birdie8819]

The Truth Behind Men's Phrases


"Haven't I seen you before?"
"Nice ass."


"I'm a Romantic."
"I'm poor."


"I need you."
"My hand is tired."


"I am different from all the other guys."
"I am not circumcised."


"I want a commitment."
"I'm sick of masturbation."


"You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
"You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."


"I really want to get to know you better."
"So I can tell my friends about it."


"It's just orange juice, try it."
"Three more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."


"She's kinda cute."
"I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."


"I don't know if I like her."
"She won't sleep with me."


"I miss you so much."
"I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good."


"Was it good for you?"
"I'm insecure about my manhood."


"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
"Is my penis really that small?"


"I had a wonderful time last night."
"Who the hell are you?"


"Do you love me?"
"I've done something stupid and you might find out."


"Do you 'really' love me?"
"I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."


"How much do you love me?"
"I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."


"I have something to tell you."
"Get tested."


"I'll give you a call."
"I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."


"I've been thinking a lot."
"You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."


"I think we should just be friends."
"You're ugly."


"I've learned a lot from you."
"Next!!!!"


"I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"
"I gotta turn on my answering machine."