Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[cockanathan]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Pity the husband!

[diputs1269]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Haha, this is a damned good one.

Oh holy shit, the husband must be in big trouble now through the maid confession.!

[deuced]

Originally Posted by diputs1269

Haha, this is a damned good one.

Oh holy shit, the husband must be in big trouble now through the maid confession.!

The husband will probably fuck the maid's mouth if he got the chance

[S.B.Y.1]

Men's Pearls of Wisdom😍

🌾1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.

🌾2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

🌾3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

🌾4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

🌾5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

🌾6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

🌾7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

🌾8. Virginity can be cured.

🌾9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

🌾10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

🌾11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

🌾12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

🌾13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

🌾14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

🌾15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't

🌾16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

🌾17. Despite the old saying, ' Don 't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!

🌾18. Breasts are proof that men can focus on 2 things at a time

Send to men with a good sense of humour and those women who need a good laugh.

[iniboss]

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

Men's Pearls of Wisdom😍

🌾1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.

🌾2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

🌾3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

🌾4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

🌾5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

🌾6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

🌾7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

🌾8. Virginity can be cured.

🌾9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

🌾10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

🌾11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

🌾12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

🌾13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

🌾14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

🌾15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't

🌾16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

🌾17. Despite the old saying, ' Don 't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!

🌾18. Breasts are proof that men can focus on 2 things at a time

Send to men with a good sense of humour and those women who need a good laugh.

Nice share bro

[bigbirdbird]

Class Reunion


Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date.

The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies, "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."

[bigbirdbird]

Together Again



Judy married Ted; they had 13 children. Ted died of cancer.

She married again [Bob], and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Judy remarried again, and this time, she and John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked Margaret, her best friend, "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel..."

[bigbirdbird]

Taxing Sex





We could balance the Federal Budget if we taxed sex..

- Everyone would pay their share.

- Young people would pay more taxes, and your tax liability would decrease as you got older.

- The tax would also promote family values.

- How would you like to come home to your wife and have her ask, "Honey, why is your tax bill larger than mine?"

- Or be a teenager and come home to find your dad with your tax bill in his hand.

- We wouldn't have to pay people to work for the IRS, they would be paying to work there just so they could review peoples returns.

- Locker room conversations would change. "Get a load of this Hollywood tax bill!"

- The forms would change a little also. We would now have a 1040Quickee.

- And it would give a whole new meaning to the phrase, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal!"

[bigbirdbird]

Going Fishing



Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, ‘Fishing or Sex’, and she said, "Wear sun-block."

[bigbirdbird]

Football Fans



Three football fans were out for a ride when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female, dead drunk.



Out of respect and propriety, the Eagles fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast.

The Giants fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast.

Following their lead, but with some grumbling, the Dallas Cowboy fan took off his cap and placed it over her girly part.

The police were called, and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection.

First, he lifted up the Eagles cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes.

Next, he lifted the Giants cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes..

The officer then lifted the Cowboys cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.

The Cowboys fan was becoming annoyed and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"

"Well," said the officer, "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Dallas Cowboys hat, I find an asshole."

[bigbirdbird]

What are They Doing?


A little girl and her mother are walking through the park one day, and they see two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl asks, "Mommy what are they doing?"

The mother hesitates and then replies, "Ummm, they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo, and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex.

Again, she asks her mother what they are doing, and her mother replies with the same response: 'making cakes.'

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, eh?"

Shocked, the Mother asks, "How do you know?"

She answers, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

[bigbirdbird]

Lucky


Marty was walking down the street when he saw his friend and yelled to him, "John, how are you?"

John replied, "Don't call me 'John.' Call me 'lucky'."

"Why should I call you ‘Lucky’?"

"Because," John replied, "I recently took my girlfriend to a hotel room for a matinèe, and we made such a commotion that the chandelier over the bed came down and landed right on her pussy!"

Marty asked, "But what's so lucky about that?"

To that question came the reply, "Ten seconds earlier, it would have cut off my head!"

[bigbirdbird]

The Code


A young man in a Corvette yelled at Susie and her friend, "Hey, Susie! How ya doin'?"

Susie yelled back, "Hi, Sixty-Four! Doing great. See you later." Susie's friend thought Sixty-Four was an odd name and commented so.

Susie explained, "That's because he has six inches, and he's good for four times a night."

Later, a guy in a BMW yelled out and Susie yelled back, "Hey, Seventy-Two! How are things?"

"Seventy-Two?” asked her friend.

Susie explained, "He has seven inches, but he's only good for twice a night."

Then a guy rode past on a bicycle and gave Susie gave a shout.

She replied, "Hey, Johnny Walker! How's it going?"

When he was out of sight, Susie's friend said, "Wait a minute. I know him. His name isn't Johnny Walker. Johnny Walker is a licquor."

Susie replied, "So... you've broken my code already!"

[bigbirdbird]

His Best Friend’s Wife


After several years of longing, Peter was finally in bed with his best friend's wife, plugging away in her pussy.

Just as things were reaching a climax, he suddenly stopped and pulled out, and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands.

"What wrong with you?" his partner asked. "I feel just like a regular asshole, getting some of my best friend's snatch," the man moaned.

"Well," she soothed, patting his back, "you can stop worrying. You were not getting his snatch. You were past his snatch by about two inches

And then, after a pause………


“Now put that thing back in here where it belongs!”

[bigbirdbird]