Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[aLinux]

1) Sperm

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions.


2) Season Opener

Former stripper Anna Benson caught her husband, ex-New York Mets pitcher Kris Benson, cheating on her and she once vowed that if she did, she would sleep with the entire Mets organization.
So, once again, the Mets are screwed even before the season starts.

[aLinux]

Sleeping Pills

An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

[aLinux]

Another Country

A woman living in North Hamgyong province comes back home after a hard day at the open market.
While she was working hard, the husband spent the whole day at home, daydreaming.
As soon as she returns home, they start talking, and the husband says: “Sweetheart, I’d love to go to some place I’ve never seen before, and do something I’ve never done before…”

The wife retorts: “That’s a great idea. Go to the kitchen and wash the dishes!”

[Zousi]

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for their religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, “Rabbi, we realize it’s tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception, but, we’d like your permission to dance together.”

“Absolutely not,” says the rabbi. “It’s immodest. Men and women always dance separately.”

“So after the ceremony I can’t even dance with my own wife?”

“NO!” answered the rabbi. “It’s absolutely forbidden.”

“Well, okay,” says the man. “What about sex? Can we finally have sex?”

“Of course!” replies the rabbi. “Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children.”

“What about different positions?” asks the man.

“No problem,” says the rabbi. “It’s a mitzvah.”

“With the woman on top?” the man asks.

“Sure,” says the rabbi. “Go for it! It’s a mitzvah.”

“Can we do it doggy style?”

“Sure! Another mitzvah.”

“On the kitchen table?”

“Yes, yes! A mitzvah!”

“Can we do it on rubber sheets with mirrors on the ceiling, a bottle of hot oil, a vibrator, a leather whip, a bucket of honey and a porno video?”

“You may indeed. It’s all a mitzvah.”

“Can we do it standing up?”

“NO, NO, NO!” cries the Rabbi. “Absolutely NEVER standing up!”

“Why not?” asks the man.

“Could lead to dancing.”

[Zousi]

A story for the Ladies….

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted..

‘Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don’t know where I am.’

The woman below replied, ‘You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.’

‘You must be in Information Technology,’ said the balloonist.

‘I am,’ replied the woman, ‘how did you know?’

‘Well,’ answered the balloonist, ‘everything you told me is probably technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.’

The woman below responded, ‘You must be in Management.’

‘I am,’ replied the balloonist, ‘but how did you know?’

‘Well,’ said the woman, ‘you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my f**king fault.’

[Zousi]

Hector was married to a much younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, on the day after his 50th birthday party, he had a heart attack.

His doctor, who was about the same age as his wife, advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several days, he decided that life without sex wasn’t worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, “I was coming up to die.”

She laughed and replied, “I was coming down to kill you!”

[Zousi]

Suriya, a three year old orangutan, was in a rescue facility at Myrtle Beach South Carolina , and not doing well.

Then Roscoe, an old BlueTick hound, wandered in – his condition was dire.

There was an instant connection, and orangutan and dog became friends.

Suriya stayed with the hound night and day until Roscoe was well and both found a reason to live.

They are now inseparable.

[Zousi]

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynaecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”

“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”

“That is right,” said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.

“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer. “Correct,” replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”

“Yes,” she said. “You’re getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place.”

[Zousi]

Four friends , who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained, talked about their kids.

The first guy said, ‘My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he’s the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.’

The second guy said, ‘Darn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.’

The third man said: ‘Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave way something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.’

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: ‘What are all the congratulations for?’

One of the three said: ‘We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. …What about your son?’ The fourth man replied: ‘My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.’ The three friends said: ‘What a shame… what a disappointment.’ The fourth man replied: ‘No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

[Zousi]

Leroy from Port Antonio always wanted to look cool. His friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of sneakers to go with his sweat-suit.

Leroy saved up all his pay slips and all the money he got back from returning his empty bottles of Red Stripe and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white sneakers to go with his sweat-suit.

Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers by, “See mi new sneakers dem? Cool, eh?” One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of sneakers, but young Leroy had a lace undone.

Leroy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace, and that on the bottom of the sneakers there were instructions for the wearer to only have one lace tied.

When asked for proof of this instruction, Leroy took off his Sneakers and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.

“See it deh! It seh ” TAIWAN “.
________________________________________

[Adidas020108]

very nice jokes.
keep them coming,thanks !

[seesaw]

A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton.

The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting.

The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud. "This is not the 1928 Mouton."

The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton. Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.

"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."

Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."

Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."

[Grimwell]

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."


Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."


After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"


The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.


Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.. She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."


Limply turning his head, He yells at her, "For Fuckin God's sake, its not a life sentence, OKAY!

[~oyster~]

Top 10 FAQ's abt pregnancy

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

[~oyster~]

Horsey Ride

That little bastard Little Johnny was passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his parents in the act.

Before his Dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, "Oh boy! Horsey ride. Daddy can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon his mummy starts moaning and gasping and Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy. This is the part where me and the milkman usually gets bucked off!"