Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[boisong1]

Newly wed couple

this newly wed couple were on there honey moon and where about to have sex:

wife: before we do this i have something i have to tell u.

husband: we're married now, u can tell me anything.

wife: i'm flat chested.

husband: i don't believe u..prove it.

So she takes off her shirt.

husband: holy shit i never seen a smaller chest, but i have something i have to tell u too.

wife: we're married now u can tell me anything.

husband: im "weighed like a baby".

wife: i don't believe you, prove it.

So he takes off his pants.

wife: i thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby?!

husband: i am 6lbs 7ounces!

[boisong1]

Crowded Subway

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"

[yogi_b]

Ole was out enjoying a nice morning of duck hunting when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his shotgun. Just then a gust of wind blew the gun fell over and discharged shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by the doctor, who said, "Well Sir I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're going to be okay. The damage was local to your groin. There was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all the buckshot. The bad news is that there was some pretty intensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Vell, Ay guess dat isn't too bad," Ole replied. "Iss yewr sister von of dem plastic surgeons?" "Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Minneapolis Symphony. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye."

[yogi_b]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house".

[PeaceNoWar]

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem.
I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife.
"Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said.
"Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see.
Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside.
"You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

[PeaceNoWar]

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

[PeaceNoWar]

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing. The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes." Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.

The clerk replies "Your house."

[PeaceNoWar]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the fucking daylights out of me!” The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a hurse for the last 25 years.”

[seesaw]

Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill, calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.

What could I do?

The woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!!!

[seesaw]

A newly weds went for honeymoon in train from Delhi to Mumbai.

Due to the heavy booking they had to sleep on separate berth.

The husband told the wife, to make it easy, you just tell me that you want a chappati, then I 'll climb onto your berth and we can make love.

So, as the train moves an hour later, the wife calls the husband, "Darling, I want a chappati."

The husband gets on with the task. When finished, the husband returned to his berth.

This process went for about THREE TIMES, and the husband had no choice but to oblige his new, young and beautiful wife.

What a nice honeymoon!

In the morning they sat in the buffet car for breakfast.

The husband asked the wife, "How was the chappati last night?"

The wife replied,"I liked the FOURTH chappati...........the best!".

The husband was surprised and said, " I thought I gave you only THREE chappati!"

On the next table replied a husky sadarji, " I found the oven was still warm so I fried my chappati there too!"

[seesaw]

Two fleas from Toronto had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's all blue, shivering and shaking, damn near frozen to death! The other flea asks him, "What the hell happened to you?"

The first flea says, "I rode down here in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."

The other flea says, "That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the Metro airport bar, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of."

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.

A year goes by. When the first flea shows up in Miami he is all blue, and shivering and shaking again. Damn near frozen to death.

The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"

Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the Metro airport bar and this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately. When I Woke up I was back on the biker’s mustache.

[seesaw]

A woman was doing the laundry in the apartment building's basement. She had just finished washing and drying one load and was getting ready to start another load when she decided to wash the nightgown she was wearing.

She took it off and placed it in the washer. Now she is naked and preparing to take the freshly cleaned clothes upstairs when she noticed her son's football helmet lying on the shelf. She grabbed the helmet, placed it on her head, picked up the clean clothes, and turned around.

There stood the Maintenance man who quickly said, "I don't know which team you are playing for ma'am but I sure hope you win".

[birdie8819]

Three friends took their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas and they all had a great time.

A few days after they returned home, the men were sitting around talking about their trip.

"I don't think I'm ever going to do that again!" says the first guy. "Since we've been back, my wife flings her arms and hollers '7 come 11' all night long. I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

"I hear ya, buddy," the second guy replies. "My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there. Since we've been back, she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light, hit me hard'. I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

"You guys think you have it bad!" exclaims the third guy. "My wife played the slots the entire time we were there. Every morning I wake up with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!"

[birdie8819]

A young girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself.

Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her.

Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off."

So off she went. After a little while at the party, boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her.

She asked him,

"What will our baby be called?"

The boy found some excuse and disappeared.

Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders...

She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.

Later on, another boy invited her for a walk.

After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him,

"What will our baby be called?"

He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off.

"What will our baby be called?" she asked once more.

He began to have sex with her.

"What will our baby be called?!" she asked again.

After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... David Copperfield!"

[birdie8819]

A young man in a public swimming pool was startled when his swimsuit fell off.

He was in the deep end, and couldn't find it, no matter how desperately he looked.

Perplexed, he went to the shallow end and tried to figure out what to do.

As he stood there up to his chest in water and watched the young ladies in their bikinis, he was additionally stressed to realize that he now sported a raging hard on.

Finally, he struck up a course of action. He jumped violently out of the water and shouted loudly, "Mad dog! Mad dog!"

Although most of the others in the pool began screaming in fear, a lusty redhead took a more direct course of action.

She tore off her bikini bottoms, flattened him on the ground and straddled him yelling, "Quick! Let me muzzle that son of a bitch before it gets away!"