The longest 4 days of my life. - Page 13

netjumper · #**181** 14-05-2012, 11:15 PM

Thrilling from start to finish ... and the ending left room for a sequel!

Great hooks in the story Bro TS ... perverted yet arouse the curiosity. You know you should stop reading but could not ... like caught in the act as James did. He knows he should stop but he could not.

Waiting for your next story.

ben69 · #**182** 14-05-2012, 11:16 PM

finally it's over after weeks of waiting and anticipation...

thanks and hope to read more stories from u. cheers!!!

callmebad · #**183** 14-05-2012, 11:30 PM

of course,it's a fiction, ah longs don't settle debts by sex, if they do, they will collect no money and get starved

unless the ah long is also an okt!

yang punk · #**184** 14-05-2012, 11:30 PM

TS

You did not explain what he was trying to prove to his father. That he is not impotent?

navras · #**185** 14-05-2012, 11:37 PM

Bro, nice story.
Hope that you would start a new story soon.

Cheers!

sootongs · #**186** 15-05-2012, 12:26 AM

Every night i log on and this is the thread i look for first bro. keep up the good work. enjoy ur writing. appreciate the thinking process to be able to write it all down this way.

ilikeoldchangke · #**187** 15-05-2012, 08:46 AM

Dear sbf,

thank you for the comments and compliment.

Was trying to potray Daryl as a son who could not continue the family line, thereby letting his dad down etc, but in terms of character development i admit it is a little weak. Not enough details to bring out this aspect.

I agree that loan sharks will prefer cold hard cash compared to sex, business is business after all, but personally if i am a LS, after collecting back the principle, i would use the interest as leverage for other stuff, for example, a moment of privacy with the missus. ( Provided she is hot and desirable )

Alas, these only exists as fragments of my fantasy, this scenes don't even appear in tv dramas anymore.

As mentioned by another reader, this is indeed a messed up scenario, i doubt any couples who go through an ordeal like this can live together normally.

alphonsus · #**188** 15-05-2012, 11:09 PM

Dear Ilikeoldchangke,

It takes a lot of effort and patience to start, maintain and end this story.

There's was never a moment where I felt the story was failing. The pace and the suspense are nicely done.

Thank you for this master piece!

bloggert · #**189** 16-05-2012, 01:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ilikeoldchangke

As mentioned by another reader, this is indeed a messed up scenario, i doubt any couples who go through an ordeal like this can live together normally.

Perhaps you could develop the story in the aftermath - for example, how the experience changed/damaged Lynn, the psychological place Daryl ends up in (love-hate), how that impacted their relationship, how they deal with this - not in an outlandish way but in a reasonable manner. The exploration of the inner struggles or James and Lynn could prove very interesting as a storyline. Nice work.

chenzong · #**190** 16-05-2012, 09:20 AM

Agree with Bloggert. I think this Daryl character can be further developed into a fine story. If not for the fact that I am typing with one hand, I may even want to work with you to write the story from Daryl's POV. You might even want to do that!

neomast115 · #**191** 22-05-2012, 12:12 AM

We are patienntly waiting

Ahjon86 · #**192** 24-05-2012, 03:07 PM

Standing Ovation bro...

ilikeoldchangke · #**193** 24-05-2012, 06:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alphonsus

Dear Ilikeoldchangke,

It takes a lot of effort and patience to start, maintain and end this story.

There's was never a moment where I felt the story was failing. The pace and the suspense are nicely done.

Thank you for this master piece!

Thank you for the compliment, looking forward to write a better piece soon.

ilikeoldchangke · #**194** 24-05-2012, 06:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bloggert

Perhaps you could develop the story in the aftermath - for example, how the experience changed/damaged Lynn, the psychological place Daryl ends up in (love-hate), how that impacted their relationship, how they deal with this - not in an outlandish way but in a reasonable manner. The exploration of the inner struggles or James and Lynn could prove very interesting as a storyline. Nice work.

Hi Bloggert,

Thanks for the suggestion.

i did consider developing the story further, but somehow i felt the characters were 'damaged' along the way, end up they're neither here nor there. I felt there were too many scenarios introduced into the 4 days as well. Should have kept with just 1 or 2 ordeal.

ilikeoldchangke · #**195** 24-05-2012, 06:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chenzong

Agree with Bloggert. I think this Daryl character can be further developed into a fine story. If not for the fact that I am typing with one hand, I may even want to work with you to write the story from Daryl's POV. You might even want to do that!

Hi Bro Chenzong,

hope your hand recover soon.
Been following your piece of your life in china silently.

I did try to write a perspective from Daryl's point of view at the start of the story but it didn't end up anywhere.

Wanted to potray him as a good guy who wanted to help but it sort of contradicts the helplessness of the hus + wife i wanted to bring out for this story. Ended up making him the villian.