Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[nightsmith]

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

The request

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response:

Dear P.Niss:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

[beary]

Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look. "What's going on?" Ed asked one of the crowd.

"We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine," he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. "Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet, and there's a prize of $100 for anybody who can.

"I can do that," Ed said confidently.

"You can't," said Ted. "You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that thing."

"Watch this," said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine.

The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine's back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.

He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted. "Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that?" Ted asked.

"Remember three months ago," Ed said. "When your wife had whooping cough...?"

[beary]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, ' Perhaps we should start washing your Clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. '

What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom,

'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. ' It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'

[Sing@pore]

"Parking Tickets Galore"


I went to the shop the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a traffic cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, I was only in there 3 minutes" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

So I called him a horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner.

[Sing@pore]

"The Smart Blonde"


A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. "While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" Finally, a smart blonde joke!

[Sing@pore]

Blonde Painting the House

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and
smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living
room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket
over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

[Sing@pore]

Horrific Accident

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

[Sing@pore]

You've got Blonde
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

[soundlab]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the
midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a
healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the
baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and
nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was
black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business
and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions But I must also
tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was
this Swedish guy."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business
either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the
movie, I really had no choice.

At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and present her to
the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that
she was going to bark."

[soundlab]

A little old lady dragged two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One was ripped by now, and once in a while a $20 bill fell out on the sidewalk.

A cop came up: "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh really? Darn it!" she said. "Thanks for telling me, I'd better go look for them."

Not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot.

On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a hole in the fence, right into my flower garden.

It really ticks me off. Kills the flowers, you know.

So now on game days I stand behind the fence by the hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers ready.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say,

'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!"

" Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

[soundlab]

An Indian migrated to USA and moved into an American neighbourhood.

His American neighbour went next door to wish him welcome. He was
shocked to see the man from India, in his nice backyard, chasing ten
chickens around like mad. Must be an Indian custom, he thought to
himself and decided to put off the welcome till later.

The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Indian man again.
When he looked through his window, he saw the Indian man urinate into
a cup and drink it. Must be an Indian custom, he thought to himself
and decided he will meet the Indian later.

The third day, he was determined to welcome the Indian man. At his
gate, he saw the Indian man with his ear pressed against a cow's big
fat butt. Seeing this, he became disgusted and went up to the Indian
man.

I'm sorry sir, I did want to wish you a warm welcome, but I cannot
stand your crazy Indian customs! He yelled at the Indian.

The Indian looked confused and answered. Sorry sir, I think you are
mistaken. These are actually American customs. I was told that, to be
a true American, you have to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen
to bullshit!

[A Red Devils]

There was a brunette standing along side a busy road chanting "88, 88, 88, 88..."

A blonde came up to her and said, "That looks like fun, can I try?"

The brunette said, "Sure."

So the blonde chanted, "88, 88, 88, 88.."

"Well," said the brunette, "that is fun. But what is even more fun is if you say it in the middle of the street."

So the blonde said, "OK." and stood in the middle of the street. "88, 88, 88, 88-" BAM! she was run over by a car, completely flattened.

Along the side of the road, the brunette began to chant, "89, 89, 89, 89..."

[A Red Devils]

A man who isn't qualified keeps pestering this tailor about giving him a job selling suits. Finally, the owner tells him if he can sell this one green suit he will give him a job.

Another employee points out to owner that they have had that suit on the rack for four years, and that it is such an ugly, green suit that nobody would ever buy it.

[A Red Devils]

A wife says to husband, “Today is your son's birthday. We still need to get him a present. What should we get?”

The husband says to his wife, “Well, what does he want?”

The wife replies, “He wants a watch!”

“OK, tell him tonight we'll let him.”

[A Red Devils]

As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.

The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."

The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."