Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bakylotus]

GROANERS II


1. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head'.

2. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab read, 'Keep off the grass'.

3. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned the nurse to ask how he was,
she said, 'No change yet'.

4. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

5. Its not the man who did not know how to juggle, he just
didn't have the balls to do it.

6. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small\
medium, at large.

7. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now
a seasoned veteran.

8. In democracy, it is your vote that counts. In feudalism it is
your count that votes.

9. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

10. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!

[bakylotus]

VERY BAD VIRUS

There's a new potentially harmful virus making the rounds.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee
cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those
who were born before 1950.

Symptoms:

Causes you to send the email twice
Causes you to send a blank email
Causes you to send email to the wrong person
Causes you to send it back to the person who sent you
Causes you to forget to attach the attachment
Causes you to hit 'SEND' before you finished
Causes you to hit 'DELETE' instead of "SEND"
Causes you to hit 'SEND' when you should 'DELETE'

Its called the C-NILE VIRUS!

[sexed]

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

[sexed]

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

[sexed]

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming

[sexed]

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

[bakylotus]

JEWISH JOKE

In a small town in the old country, the Rabbi died.

His widow, the Rebbitzin, was so disconsolate that
the townfolk decided that she should remarry.

But the town was so small that the only bachelor
was the butcher.

The Rebbitzin was somewhat dismayed because she
had been wed to a scholar, the butcher had no formal
education.

However, she was lonely, so she agreed, they were
married. After marriage, Friday came.

She went to the mikvah (a jewish ritual bath to get
rid of impurities).

Then she went home to prepare to light the candles.
The butcher leaned over to her and said, 'My mother,
Hana told me that after the mikvah, before lighting
the candles, its good to have sex'.

So they did.

She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said,
'My father, Shmeul, told me that after lighting the
candles, its good to have sex'.

So they did.

They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they
awoke, he said to her, 'My grandmother Rivka said that
before you go to the synagogue, its good to have sex'.

So they did.

After praying all morning, they came home to rest. Again,
he whispers, 'My grandfather Moishe, says after praying, its
good to have sex'.

So they did.

On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend
who asked, 'So how is the new husband?'

She replied, 'Well, a scholar he isn't, but he comes from a
wonderful family!'

[sexed]

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."
After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"

[sexed]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[bakylotus]

MAY I INTRODUCE THE FIRST CHRISTMAS JOKE 2009?

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint
Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'In honour of this holy season', Saint Peter said, 'You must
each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get
to heaven'.

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out
a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the Pearly Gates', Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and took out a
set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells'.

Saint Peter said, 'You too, may pass through the Pearly Gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his
pockets and finally pulled out a pair of woman's panties.

Saint Peter looked at the man with raised eyebrows and asked,
And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'They're Carol's'.

[Horton88]

Bragging about Japan

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.

The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

[Horton88]

What's on your back?

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"

The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"

"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.

He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."

[Horton88]

An Irish Priest

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

[Horton88]

A Police Officer

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife "sleepily" sat up and said,

"Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise,

"Say," said the pharmacist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, sure. So?" said the officer.

"Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"

[Horton88]

The Divorce

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME!?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."