Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Horton88]

Adam's Rib

Adam was returning home late one night in paradise after drinking with the dodo and the unicorn. Eve got angry and yelled at him: "YOU ARE SEEING ANOTHER WOMAN!"
Adam responded: "Don't be silly, you are the only woman on earth" and went to sleep.

Later that night Adam woke up, feeling a tickle in his chest and saw it was Eve. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm counting your ribs" she responded.

[Horton88]

41 Rules Men Wish Women Knew

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us...
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down...
3 . Don't cut your hair. Ever...
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!..
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear....
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it......
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks...
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat...
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period...
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be...
11. Shopping is not sport....
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really....
13. You have enough clothes.....
14. You have too many shoes.....
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it....
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too....
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work....
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar....
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes....
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?....
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.....
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.....
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.....
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil....
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do....
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived....
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together....
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days....
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys....
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.........
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?...
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out....
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both....
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials....
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at....
38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines....
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.....
41. Anyone can buy condoms.....

[Horton88]

Silly Computer Acronyms

PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing

APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI: System Can't See It

DOS: Defective Operating System

BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM: I Blame Microsoft

DEC: Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM: Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW: World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parentheses

MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

RISC: Reduced Into Silly Code

[Horton88]

Death in the Holy Land

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[bakylotus]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

1. She is not a BABE or CHICK, she is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

2. She is not EASY, she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

3. She does not NAG you, she is VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

4. She is not a TWO-BIT HOOKER, she is a LOW-COST PROVIDER.

5. She has not BEEN AROUND, she is 'PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION'



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MAN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

1. He does not have a BEER GUT, he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN
STORAGE FACILITY.

2. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME, he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.

3. He is not BALDING, he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

4. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS, he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION.

5. It is not his CRACK you see hanging out of his pants, its TROUSER
CLEAVAGE.

[beary]

Some Valentine Cards That Probably Wont Go Over Too Well

We're perfect for each other...
I can't hold a job and you have a trust fund.

Will you be my sweet valentine?
Please let me know as soon as possible, because I have
some backups in mind.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...
One... Two.... yeah, that is about it I guess!

Tonight is going to be a special night.
Just you and me and ESPN.

I admire your strength, I admire your spunk but the
thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty."

I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your
sister!

To my snuggly-wuggly, eentsy-weentsy, honeyy-baby...
I am going to screw you so hard tonight.

Honey, be mine!
Can I do you from behind?

[beary]

Sophie and the Queen were talking shortly before the wedding when the Queen said " Now Sophie, I think it's about time you and I talked about any problems you and Edward may have consummating the marriage"

"Oh," said Sophie, "Everything's all right really, except ......"

"Except what?" said the Queen, "don't be embarrassed, I've heard it all before".

"Well, when I suck his dick and swallow, it tastes awful and gives me really bad heartburn."

"Have you tried Andrews?" asked the Queen

"Yes, but his tasted the same"


__________________________________________________ ________


This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring and passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camels". Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god that he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb."

Well, the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants and grabbed a firm hold on the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

[bakylotus]

QUICKEST WAY

An American, vacationing in England, approached a local in
the village, asked, 'What is the quickest way to York?'

The local scratched his head, asked in return, 'Are you
walking for driving?'

'I'm driving'

'That's the quickest way'.

[birdie8819]

One Liners and Q & A



Q. If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would be the prostitute?
A. The one that's labeled "IDAHO"

Q. What's the difference between spit and swallow?
A. Forty pounds of pressure on the back of her head.

Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.

Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.

[birdie8819]

A curious little boy asks his mom what his younger sister has between the legs; the young mother does not know how to explain to the boy, so she says: "It's like the Garage..."

The boy then asks: "What is mine called?"

"It's called the Car..." the mother replies.

A few days later, the phone rings while the parents are "busy" in the bedroom; the little boy answers it. It's his dad's friend: "Is your father home? Could I speak to him?"

"Yes, but he's busy", the boy replies. "What's he doing? I wanna talk to him..." "Wait, let me check..." The boy looks through the bedroom keyhole; then comes back and says: "He's putting the Car in the Garage

"Ok, I'll call back..." A short while later, the man calls back: "Can I talk to your dad now?" "He's still busy..."

"What? What's he doing? How long does it take him to put the car in the garage anyway?"

"Wait, let me check..." The boy, again, looks through the bedroom keyhole, comes back and has this to tell his dad's friend: "He's still trying to put the Car in the Garage; he keeps moving the Car back and forth. He seems to have problem putting the rear wheels of the Car into the Garage..."

[birdie8819]

HOW TO KNOW YOU ARE GROWING OLD ...


You get winded playing cards.

Your children begin to look middle aged.

You join a health club and don't go.

You look forward to dull evenings

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

You know all the answers but nobody asks you questions.

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

[birdie8819]

Things Overheard While Having Sex


"A hundred bucks?!? What can I get for ten?"

"Mmmmm, yeah baby, take it off! C'mon, nice & slow ... That's goo--AAAARRGGGG!! Disconnected again! Friggin' AOL!!!"

"Dammit! They just don't make these colostomy bags as strong as they used to!"

"Oooh, you're so BIG! Oooh, you're so POWERFUL!

Oooh, your batteries just died!"

" ... 'Rectum? It nearly killed him.' Get it? Wait ... come back!"

"No, really, I always yawn like that when I climax."

"It's called a 'bra.' Women wear them under their clothes."

"Don't laugh -- if *all* penises were this small, birth control would be a thing of the past!"

"OK, now put on the Deanna Troi mask and say 'Captain, I can sense your throbbing manhood!' ...No, no, try it again with more accent!"

"Oh, Baby! Here I expected 5, and you whip out 13!!"

"Well, what you lack in size, you make up for in speed."

"Top 5? C'mon, it's more like the Top 3 1/2!"

"Wait! Wait! We can't start until I find my beret!!"

"Dammit Mom! Knock first!"

"OK, this time, *you* be Martha Stewart and *I'll* be Rico the gardener."

"Look, lover boy, $120 means $120 -- I don't give a shit if that works out to $240 a minute."

"Mind if I wedge my calculator under your breast there while we're doing this?"

"Shave it? You're lucky I washed it."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact, I *WAS* the original body model for the Ken doll. How in the world did you guess?"

"Baa-a-a-a-a"

[birdie8819]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says......

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."


If you laughed, you are going straight to hell!!

[birdie8819]

One Liners and Q & A


Q)Why is an ugly girl like a bedspread ?
A) Because they are both turned down at night

Q) Why does it take woman longer to have an orgasm?
A) Who cares?

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step--blaming my parents.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

We discern a clever man by his answers and a wise one by his questions.

"How do you spell clitoris?" "I don't know, but I had it on the tip of my tongue just a moment ago."

[birdie8819]

How to Piss Off A Woman

Tie her to the bed, describe all the erotic things you plan to do. Then go bowling.

Ask her how she prepared a meal. If she wants to know why you want to know, say "So I don't make the same mistakes."

Tell her YOU have a headache, but you're willing to suffer with it through sex just to please her.

Imitate her having an orgasm while dining out.

Fake your own orgasm while dining out.

Tell her you've applied for the position of blowjob inspector at the nearest whorehouse.

After sex tell her the doctor assured you it isn't contagious. Then faint.

Wives are funny creatures.

They don't have sex with their husbands for weeksand then they want to kill the woman who does.