Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Evil33]

Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.
- Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.
As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:
- Gorgonzola!
- Wait, it is not on yet.

[Evil33]

Two friends:
- Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come?
- Of course! How many people are coming?
- Three, if you bring your girlfriend.

[Evil33]

One man calls emergency:
- Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!
After five minutes, the same man calls back:
- It is OK, I found another one.

[albert05]

Little Jimmy



At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from the class, and she discovered little Jimmy with a cat up his jumper.

She said, "Why have you got your cat at school?"

Little Jimmy started crying. "I woke up this morning to hear the postman tell Mummy 'I'm gonna eat your pussy today!"

************************************************** ********

[beary]

Rules For Living

Love means never having to say, "Does that twenty include the spanking?"

To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it wouldn't kill you to wash your hands in between either.

They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.

We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreck revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the past.

If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then when Life isn't looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That'll learn him.

Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them.

[beary]

30 Ways To Piss Off A Woman!


1) In the most romantic setting possible, lean close & whisper in her
ear "Upside down and in the dark all women smell the same."

2) Use her bra as a slingshot.

3) Tie her to the bed, describe all the erotic things you plan to do.
Then go bowling.

4) Convince her that you're having an affair. Once you've got her
thoroughly convinced, say you were just kidding.

5) Ask why she doesn't fill up with water when she takes a bath.

6) Say, "Hell no that dress doesn't make your ass look fat. You've got
a fat ass."

7) Walk around with a very large grin. When she asks what it is, start
crying and say, "Nothing. Never mind." Run to the bedroom and slam the
door.

8) Read her this list.

9) Ask her to bend over and see if you can use her to open your bottle
of beer.

10) Tell her YOU have a headache, but you are willing to suffer with it
through sex just to please her.

11) Re-arrange the dishes in the cabinets.

12) Ask her how she prepared a meal. If she wants to know why you want
to know, say "So I don't make the same mistakes."

13) Tell her you're thinking about becoming a dairy farmer and you need
to practice on her.

14) If she mentions commitment/marriage, mention anal group sex in the
same tone of voice.

15) Tell her women have two holes so close together so you can carry
'em like six-packs.

16) Tell her she's your love buffet, but the doctor has put you on a
crash diet because of a heart condition.

17) Imitate her having an orgasm while dining out.

18) Fake your own orgasm while dining out.

19) When meeting her parents, ask her Mom out.

20) Or, ask her Dad out.

21) Or, ask both of 'em to join you later that night.

22) Tell her you've applied for the position of blowjob inspector at
the nearest whorehouse.

23) Scream your own name during sex.

24) Ask what her name is in the middle of sex. Tell her you need to
know what to scream.

25) Tell her that her best friend was a better lay. If she protests,
say "All right. We'll have a screwing contest between the two of you."

26) After sex tell her the doctor assured you it isn't contagious. Then
faint.

27) Say "Hell yes size matters! Look at the Grand Canyon."

28) Tell her it's Saint Jism day and your religion requires you receive
a blowjob every hour for the next 24 hours.

29) While slow-dancing, drool on her back.

30) Tell her you need to borrow a bra to play golf/tennis/poker,etc.
because you lost your jock strap.

[bigbirdbird]

She was only the ........

Admiral's daughter, but her naval base was always full of seamen.

Astronaut's daughter, but she knew how to take off.

Athlete's daughter, but she was always ready to play ball.

Barman's daughter, but she knew how to pull them.

Blacksmith's daughter, but she knew how to forge ahead.

Bookbinder's daughter, but she knew her way between the sheets.

Bricklayer's daughter, but she was certainly stacked.

Butcher's daughter, but there wasn't much more she could loin.

Cattleman's daughter, but she couldn't keep her calves together.

Carpenter's daughter, but you should have seen her circular sores!

Carpenter's daughter, but she always had tools in her box!

Cave man's daughter, but you should have seen what dinosaur.

Chimney sweeps daughter, but she could haul ash.

Clergyman's daughter, but you couldn't put anything pastor.

Cobbler's daughter, but she was built to last.

Communist's daughter, but all the boys got a share.

Doctor's daughter, but she really knew how to operate.

Draught man's daughter, but she never knew where to draw the line.

Electrician's daughter, but she had good connections.

Electrician's daughter, But she light up half the town.

Farmer's daughter, but she knew hundreds of ways to fertilise.

Film censor's daughter, but she didn't know when to cut it out.

Fisherman's daughter, but all the guys swallowed her lines.

Fishmonger's daughter, but she lay on the slab and said fillet.

Flag-wavers daughter, But she'd let her standards down for anyone.

Florist's daughter, but she had the best tulips in town.

Fruit vendor's daughter, but she certainly had a pail.

Ganges's daughter, But she knew the fettles length.

Garage mans daughter, but she didn't like the smell of benzols!

Gravediggers daughter, but anyone cadaver :^)

Gravedigger's daughter, but she liked lying under the sod.

Green grocer's daughter, but her melons were the juiciest in town!

Insurance broker's daughter, but all the guys liked her policy.

Jockey's daughter, but all the horse manure.

Lighthouse keeper's daughter, but she never went out at night.

Milkman's daughter, but she was cream of the crop.

Moon shiner's daughter, but I love her still.

Musician's daughter, but she knew all the bars in town.

Optician's daughter, but after a few of glasses made a spectacle of herself.

Parachutists daughter, but she was free-4-all

Philanthropist's daughter, but she kept giving things away.

Photographer's daughter, but she was really developed.

Pitcher's daughter, but you should have seen her curves.

Plumber's daughter, but she made good use of her fixtures.

Pilots daughter, But she always kept her cockpit clean.

Postman's daughter, But she always had mail in her box.

Professor's daughter, but she gave all the boys a lesson.

Real estate agent's daughter, but she gave a lot away.

Road worker's daughter, but she knew how to get her asphalt.

Statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations.

Steelworker's daughter, but you should see that pig iron.

Telegrapher's daughter, but she sure didit...didit...didit....

Tree feller's daughter, but tree fellas were never enough for her.

Undertaker's daughter, but she knew how to bu...stiff.

Vacuum salesman's daughter, but she knew how to suck!

Violinists daughter, but she took off her G-string and all the boys fiddled.

Weatherman's daughter, but she sure had a warm front.

Wood-chopper's daughter, but you could hear her ring-barking for miles.

[bigbirdbird]

Nasty Poofter Jokes

Sheriff walks up to a gay cowboy, and says, "padner, you've got 5 minutes
to blow this town."
Gay cowboy looks around slowly and says, "this is a pretty big town, i'll
need a couple of hours."
~~~~
Q. Did you hear about the faggot undertaker?
A. He called his mates around to suck on a few cold ones!
~~~~
Q: How can you tell if your little boy will grow up to be homosexual?
A: He likes to play Lick the Can.
~~~~
Q: Did you hear the miracle plan announced in Congress
for ending AIDS?
A: Tell all the faggots to sit down and shut up.
~~~~
Q: What did the poof do when he missed his boyfriend?
A: He shit in his hand and had a wank.
~~~~
A faggot visited his bum buddy in the hospital. "What did they do?" he
asked his pillow biting boyfriend lying in the bed.
"They removed my tonsils, pulled out my teeth, and cut out my hemorrhoids."
"My God," gasped the poo bandit. "A complete hysterectomy!"
~~~~
Q: What is a shit?
A: A faggot's wet dream.
~~~~
Q: How can you tell if a Western is homosexual?
A: All the good guys are hung.
~~~~
Q: Did you hear about the Gay magician?
A: He vanished with a poof.
~~~~
Q: How can you tell if a household is homosexual?
A: The welcome mat reads: "Please wipe your knees."
~~~~
Q: What do you call a fag that doesn't have aids?
A: A lucky cocksucker.
~~~~
Q: What did one gerbil say to the other when they saw the faggot
….swish into the pet store?
A: "Don't panic! Just turn your back and act like a dog!"
~~~~
Q: How can you tell if you are in a gay amusement park?
A: They issue gerbils at the tunnel of love.
~~~~
There once was this bum fucking faggot!
He'd see anything male, and he'd shag it!
One day he fucked the wrong ass
Now he's pushing up grass
And his only mate is a maggot!
~~~~
Two faggots are in a hot tub pushing a big turd back and forth in the
water. Another fag walks by and asks, "What the hell are you two doing?"
"We are teaching our baby to swim!"
~~~~
Q: What do you call a gay dentist?
A: The tooth fairy!
~~~~
Q: What is the most popular pickup line in a gay bar?
A: Hey big guy, would you like me to push up your stool?

[bigbirdbird]

A traveling salesman was passing through the country side and stopped at a farm asking for some cool water. The old farmers wife invited him to sit in the shade of the porch with her and got him some cold lemonade.

They sat and talked for a while when suddenly a hen went running by with a rooster covered in a pair of coveralls chasing her.

The salesman asked, "What in the devil was that?"

The old farmers wife told him "Well you see, some years ago we had a tornado come through here and hit the hen house. It killed all our chickens except for that rooster, but it plucked every feather off of him. Well I kind of felt sorry for him, seeing how as he did survive a tornado and I knitted him a pair of coveralls."

The salesman said, "Well that is just about the funniest thing I have ever seen."

To which the farmers wife replied, "You think that's funny, you ought to see that rooster hold a hen down with one leg and try to get those coveralls off with the other."

[bigbirdbird]

One day in a third grade classroom a teacher asked her students what their fathers did for a living. The first boy raises his hand, and says my dad is a fireman. The teacher replies, "Hey, thats a great profession, he gets to fight fires and he has to be very brave."

So the teacher calls on a second student. A young girl is chosen, and she tells the class that her father is a policeman. The teacher replied, "Oh thats a great job, he has to be very brave, and he gets to put all the criminals behind bars."

So a third student raises his hand and is chosen by the teacher. She asks him what his father does for a living and he says that his father eats light bulbs. The teacher, now confused, says, "That's crazy, what makes you think that he eats light bulbs?"

The student replies, "Well last night I got up out of bed to get a drink of water, and when I walked by my parents room I overheard my father say, 'Hey baby, turn out the light and I'll eat it.'"

[bigbirdbird]

One day suddenly the husband has an heart attack. He says before dying, "When I die, dear, cut off my penis and attach to the wall of our bedroom. When you feel like having sex start pumping on it. "

He dies and his wife does exactly what he said.

Three of her neighbors come to know about this. They plan to make a hole in the wall and insert their penis from backside.

The first man tries it. As usual the woman starts sucking and pumping on it. The second man tries it and the same thing happens.

When the third man tries it the woman comes, cuts the penis from the wall with a knife and says, "come on darling we are shifting to another house."

[bigbirdbird]

One day, Tony died.

When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away.

He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 250 pound, hopelessly stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it.

Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.

So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead.

Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with.

When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money... even more then you did."

They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel/centrefold.

Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon.

They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.

Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining.

This has been absolutely the best time, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to.

There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand.

After every time we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Fucking income taxes!"

[bigbirdbird]

One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights," she went upstairs.

Immediately, all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.

After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!" and this was echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse,"
etc.

Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt," "skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc.

Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line.

Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower.

Finally, Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods, so he yelled, "Someone's coming!" And from the next dwarf down to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."

[bigbirdbird]

There was a Chinese father named Cheng who was very close to his son.

They used to go everywhere together including looking for "birds" (Chinese slang for prostitute).

One day, Chung the son decided to go overseas for study. The father was very supportive, and before his son left, the father told him,

"Chung we cannot look for chicken together for the next few years. However, if you need to look for chicken, please go ahead and I will pay for it. But please state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so that your mother will not suspect."

So the son left, and after a month, the father received the bill from Chung, the son,......(shooting bird - $300).

Subsequently, and for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird is more than $700.

Well, the father could not tolerate this, so he wrote to his son.

"Chung Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some cheaper one".

A month later, Cheng, the father, received another bill from his son. On it he had written:

Shooting Bird - $50
Rifle Repair - $2,000

[bigbirdbird]

There was a very unusual hospital where one of the main treatments was that the nurses would take the male patients home and sleep with them.

But there was one patient, Rob, no one wanted to take him home. He was a small man, and he had tattooed on his penis the word 'SHORTY'.

Well, finally, Valerie, feels sorry for him and takes him home and sleeps with him. She comes back to work the next day smiling. The other nurses ask what she could possibly be so happy about after sleeping with a guy with SHORTY written on his penis.

"Yes," replies Valerie, "but when he becomes aroused, it says, 'SHORTY'S RESTAURANT AND PIZZERIA'."

"Wow!" they say.

"'ORDERS TO TAKE OUT'," Valerie continues. "'ALL BAKING DONE ON PREMISES..."

The others stand there staring, in total surprise.

"ESTABLISHED 1922...PARTIES ARE OUR SPECIALTY'." Valerie finished.