husband leaving me, please advise

[HayHot]

A marriage will only works if BOTH PARTIES wants it to. Appearently you had wanted it to work, but your husband doesn't. So I guess the only way out is to walk away from it.

"He cried with me but told me that it was too late. He told me that even if I have him physically, I cant have his heart cos even though he still cared, he doesnt love me anymore."

You'll get through it.
This is not an affair or a ONS or cheating spouse that got caught that still wants the marriage to work. This is someone who had no "heart" in the marriage anymore. No point wasting both time over it. Walk away.

[Lsy84]

dear sis adviseme,

based on the situation i have just read in your post, i can only say that a marriage will work out if 2 parties are remain faithful to each other. It has been said, that it takes 2 hands to clap, this is especially so in a marriage.

Since your hubby couldn't resist the temptation and decided to be involved with his colleague, and kept things from you shows that he feels guilty.

What I can advice you sis, you have to be strong and move on, cos you need to support your kid, and prepare yourself for the unavoidable D word: Divorce...

No point clinging on to a marriage when one party did such a thing to u emotionally....

Hope everything works out for u sis and take care...

[Erasure]

I understand the hell and confusion you are currently going through...although not the pain as I'm not in your shoes.

I have female friends sharing the same shit with me and my shirt have been soaked wet with their tears and pain. One of them even committed suicide...and succeeded after the third try.

I realized talking and counselling have little impact if you do not change your mindset. Hoping for him to change is useless as you will be pinning your hopes and future on someone...that's unrealiable and it is a waiting game that can last forever. Even if he does change...it doesn't mean he will be faithful again in the future.

Tune your mindset, make yourself strong...you have to...you got no choice. Be indifferent...learn to think like a bastard and be numb to emotions and void of feelings. Happy and sad are mirrors of each other. You will take a long time to recover, but when you do, you will be strong I swear to you. You have to treat him like a friend, no longer your husband. You like his presence, going for dates, dinner and lying side by side on the bed. But that's about it...don't expect anymore than that. He is now just a good friend. Open up your horizons, meet new people. It takes someone to fill up the emptiness within you. Only love can fill up this void.

To summarize, treat his presence at home as though nothing happened and continue to live life as per normal since he has already been cold towards you. Divorce, annulment, separation make no difference as his heart is no longer there. At this moment, seek someone else suitable who can truly care for you and make you feel like a woman and lover again.

All the best.

[oubboss]

Hi sis,

I was in the same shoe as ur hubby b4 and will know from experience what ur hubby is going through .


Having a 10 yr marriage does not mean u truly understand ur hubby . I was married for 10 yrs and a girl whom i cohabited for 2 years understand me more than my 10 yr marriage wife . My GF knows my likes/problems/favorites more than my 10 yr wife . It's called understanding . For your 10 yr marriage do you really know wat ur hubbys' favourite food/color/underwear/cloth sense? And does ur hubby knows urs too ??


Try to understand ur hubby more and share his problems .
Ask him wat is the attraction from the other party that u are short off .
Tell him u willing to change for him and will pay more attention to him .

Get to know the problems that lies in you and strive to improve . U might think i'm blaming you but try to think of the issues with you which prompted him to seek solace elsewhere . Is it u are too demanding/controlling or u totally do not understand him at all with ur 10 yr marriage ??

All the best trying to salvage the situation .

[Enzo]

hi adviseme, i sent a pm to you giving you some advice. All the best.

[superk92]

I agree with bro oubboss. My female friends whom, many are in the same situation tells me, she doesn't even know their husbands of 10+years well until now (as they divorce). Most of them went through the divorce, so be prepared for it. But also, at least give it a last shot, before you let everything go. Being a single mom, with a growing kid, isn't healthy, and many men out there just wants to toy with single ladies, in general.
Get to know him one last time.

[Happy Forever]

I will advise hang on to your marriage for some of the reasons stated below.

1)He is still a caring father to his son even though he may have strayed.He is not abusive towards you even though he may say he doesnt love you anymore.There are worse kind of husbands/fathers out there.

2)His betrayal of your trust maybe a blip in his life at this moment.Just that the other party feels more fresh to him now and he can indulged in her without having any obligations so it kind of thrilling for him.

3)Like some say,he maybe confused now but given time family will be more important to him once the novelty of the affair wears out and the other party starts to give him problems and complications.

4)Ultimately,it is still your choice whether to forgive him for his betrayal and willing to give him time to look back.
i)If yes,just act normal and sort of a cooling period for both of you.Do not pressure him.Lead your own life.Show your cheerful side instead of brooding.Have your own activity.Dress well and go for outings with your friends.Show to him you are also desirable in others eyes.That should shook him up abit.
ii)If you were to decide to leave this marriage.Think carefully of the consequences of single parenthood.It no joke bringing up the kid alone without either 1 of the parent.People may say it nothing but it never easy for those who are really single parent to look after and educate the kid alone when he/she need to work also.Time will be so much lesser to spend with the kid.

If you can come into this forum where the majority are guys,then you should know most guys are unfaithful to their spouses.We come in here hoping to score maybe free pussies,look for paid pussies,ask for advises to score ons etc.If you can accept all these faults in a guy,the most important traits still will be if your hubby is still caring and responsible towards the family.

Maybe my advise is silly and useless but try to think things through before arriving in any decision which will affect the 3 of you ultimately later in life.

[dummydummy]

maybe u can do the same? find a guy and have frequent sexual relatoinship with him but do not commit any love relation with him. Like that you satisfied your sexual urge while not losing your husband and family. More better if your partner is a young guy(<30 etc).

[liberatte]

Hi TS,

Said - said - said: I remember when we used to sit
In the government yard in trenchtown,
Oba - obaserving the ypocrites
As they would mingle with the good people we meet.
Good friends we have, oh, good friends weve lost
Along the way.
In this great future, you cant forget your past;
So dry your tears, I seh.

No, woman, no cry; -Bob Marley

Actually, your HB is just another simple minded cheongster that took the FB business too far. Looking at the brighter side, at least he's not hitting you or even brought something back from his 'exploits' (STD and others). Instead of taking everything on yourself, I would suggest both of you go to one of those marriage councellors for a chat.

[yang punk]

A man and for that matter any woman has capacity in her heart to love more than one person. It need not be exclusive.

Take for example yourself. You love your son, your husband, your parents and siblings...perhaps another man friend or colleague if you will just allow your heart to accept a substitute....

Your husband may be feeling very guilty now... it is natural for him to feel he had betrayed you and not sure if you will forgive him. He may feel he is no more romantically in love with you...thus his desire to divorce.

Let be frank and realistic. In a relationship the 'love curve' is U-shaped. At the start of the romance during courting days, 'love' is very strong, right at the top of the U and years go by ... marriage ... parenthood ... career... the love curve descends ... and as children grows up ... career coming to an end ... retirement ... old age ... the couple will depend more on each other again and love matures (sex will be less if not involved at all).

Since you could both still talk to each other rationally without emotions getting the better the better of the situation... ask him to think about these situations...

Does his office lover wants a divorce with her husband and marry him? What can she offer him that you can't? Are they both prepared to wait all those years for the divorce to come thru and at the end of it still be in love and want to marry... will not her husband create trouble for them?

Can he afford to maintain 2 families? Yours... because he will have to pay maintenance for you and your son (what if you don't want custody so that you will be more free to find your own new love) and for his new wife and her entourage (her children).

What guarantee does he have that his fickle heart will not change again... having stolen sex in the office can be fun and very exciting but it is totally a different cookie where he has to wake up in the morning with her un-madeup face... sloppy habits ... noisy children of another man... Bet you love will quickly fly out of the window!

Ask him to consider in his old age when he is sickly and lonely... will he not miss a caring wife, his family, ie son and grandchildren...

If you do love him still give him time to ponder all the above...show him the true diamond that you are that he had forgotten to appreciate distracted by his lust for easy sex in the office.

Of course a third party counselor may help to talk sense into him...it will take time and patience. But if he is worth keeping then it is worth the trouble.

Hope it helps and take care. Shit often happens to the nicest people!

yang punk

PS: Tried to pm you but my msg was too long...broke it up into 3 parts but only pt 1 and 2 got thru before your msg box overflowed. This is pt 3. So read the other 2 parts first to make more sense out of this.

[mincin]

忍一时, 风平浪静. 退一步, 海阔天空. That's the philosophy that I live by when I'm with my hubby.
I can't offer much advice cos my r/s with hubby not that ideal either but I do know from your posts is that you had repeatedly told him that u are still willing to take him back so at this point in time, the ball is in his court. It's up to him to decide now. As what some other bros had mentioned here, lead your own life & don't use the guilt factor to pressurise him. Hope in time to come, he'll come to his senses.
Take care!

[Done All]

There are many types of advice given by brothers here.
Some may look very extreme.
To hang on is extreme on one end of the spectrum, while going straight for divorce is the other extreme end.
I have seen too many, done too much.
Probably, in most cases, things are not salvageable.
Be realistic, at all times love yourself first, and only first, so build your own life in whatever you may decide.

[Chinapuss]

Hi TS...best is to think of ur kid...both u and ur hubby should go for counselling...try to reconcile as de one tat will be most hurt is not u nor ur hubby but ur kid...Have faith and turn to God for help...I'm sure God will listen and help if u juz sincerely turn to Him...God bless

[Softcore]

Some of you give really bad advice.

---

To adviseme:

The key here is to understand why your husband strayed. No one goes into a marriage thinking that in the years to come, they will stray. A multiude of reasons and events must have happened for your husband to stray. The fact that he came clean with you shows that he still cares for you, albeit in a manner that rests more on the fact that it is a commitment, and not a form of passion.

Passion is the key to the longivity of any happy relationship. Forget what all the trashy magazines and books tell you that commitment, trust, blah blah blah are more important in the long run; they are wrong. While commitment and continous romance are important, passion is as important, if not more so, than the other two. For a successful relationship and marriage, you must keep all three burning. This is why most marriages do not sustain, because the most important element dies off first, followed by romance, and commitment is usually the only thread holding it together. Most of the time, it is never enough. If you are very sexually compatible from the start, chances are you will end up together with your significant other for a long time.

Just look at the dozens of men who post their sob stories in this subforum: The passion has died off in each case. Without the fiery power of passion, romance and commitment are nothing, or at best, inadequate.

Sit down with your husband, hold his hands, and talk to him. Tell him that you're not there to judge him. Tell him that you want to hear his soul speak to him. Communicate and ask him why did he stray. Don't judge; listen instead. Open your soul to him and he will open his to yours. Implore him to tell you what he feels. Tell him that you still love him, not because of the commitment of the institution of marriage, but because you still feel a bond deeper than that which draws you to him, namely the element of passion. Above all, find the fire between the two of you again; find what made you develop that bond with him in the first place. Channel that passion into your feelings for him, and let him feel you.

I wish you all the best.

[mincin]

Originally Posted by Softcore

Passion is the key to the longivity of any happy relationship.

Just look at the dozens of men who post their sob stories in this subforum: The passion has died off in each case. Without the fiery power of passion, romance and commitment are nothing, or at best, inadequate.

Totally agree with u on 'passion' but unfortunately, it's hard to rekindle & keep lighted. I for one, want to know where to find that 'long-lost passion'.... Now, for me, passion is only a vocabulary that belongs in the romance novels.