Wife or Helper?

[enigma88]

Think you need to talk to him before it's too late. List down all his unacceptable behaviours. When both of you are in a good mood, show him the compiled list. It's not good to shout at each other. Anger doesn't solve anything. If he is undisciplined, allocate some private time for just the 2 of you. Perhaps after the kids are asleep, once a week, he must put his phone away and give you his full attention. You can also do your part by giving him amazing sex. Men are easily satisfied. Then they will do anything for you.

[peanodood1337]

Originally Posted by Nottherealme

Hello all fellow sis (and bro), I got nowhere to rant so I thought here might be the next best place to let out all my frustrations.

My husband and I have dated for 4 years before we got married and now we have 2 kids. Everyone says once you get married, the nightmare starts. 婚姻就是爱情的坟墓。And it's true.

He doesn't do his share of everything - be it housework or taking care of kids. Like most husbands I've seen wives complained about on Facebook post, he is glued to his phone all the damn time or when he isn't using the phone he is sleeping. When I ask him to do something, he complains this and that and says he is tired from working. But I am also working, also tired from dealing with bullshit. To me, he doesn't understand what married life is about. I feel so exhausted that breaking down is the norm nowadays.

Right now as I'm typing, he chose to be angry at me because I refused to help him take his phone to him, and shifted himself to the other room to sleep. Childish, I know right? I don't understand why he just refuse to understand the reason behind my breakdowns.

I don't even wanna get to the sex part because it feels like it is non-existent. I am lucky enough if we can get some action once a month. He doesn't ever do foreplay and the sex only lasts approximately 5 mins (?) before the deed is done.

I don't know what else to do or say to him anymore. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

You'll need a serious talk with your husband. At this point in your lives, your goals are not aligned. He needs to understand that a marriage is a partnership, and everyone's got to pull their weight. Unless you're a stay-home wife and he takes care of all household (and your) expenses, he is not justified in sitting around slacking off.

Does he have any good friends or family members that he listens to? Try holding an intervention. Men are usually goal oriented. Make him a list of things he can reasonably improve on.

What are his excuses for not doing chores? Tired? Well it takes at most 30 mins to do the dishes. 10 minutes to hang the laundry. Maybe 30 more mins to iron his own clothes. That's around a hour of commitment a day. And unless you guys stay in a huge landed property, you'll need maybe 30 mins to vacuum the floor, 30 mins to mop the floor. That's an hour a week (unless you're the OCD type that requires cleaning every single day).

Also, children should be the priority no matter what. If he wanted to game all the time, he should never have had kids. Ask him how would he feel, when his kids grow up and choose to play video games instead of spending time with him when he is old.

When you break things down like that into bit-sizes, its easier for him to understand what is required of him. If he still refuses to accept your reasoning, you'll have to let him know that your marriage is on borrowed time. In that case, you need to ask yourself if you are unhappy enough to break up your marriage and home. There is no wrong or right answer - it is your decision to make.

Moving on, what does he like about you so much so that he chose to marry you in the first place? You say that your sex life is dead, but surely it must have been alive in the first place for you guys to get married and have kids. So here's the incentive - tell him that if he pulls his weight on chores and stuff, you will have more time to work on yourself, work out, dress up, roleplay - whatever gets his jollies off. If he is not amendable to that, I'm sorry but I think he is probably getting his kicks elsewhere.

At the end of the day, it takes two hands to clap. If you have exhausted all avenues and tried everything, and he nonetheless refuses to play ball, you need to have a good hard think about what you want out of life.

Good luck.

[ibanezjem555]

Luckily for me, no smartphone during my era and my wife made it a point to kick my ass to shut the laptop and play with kids, go for beach holidays, library every week etc.

I would like to give advice but my kids grown up is now hooked to smartphone. Very addictive, even for me. So I will soon put this down to cho cho wife in shower. Nothing will happen but at least I chio her.

Only thing to say is after marriage everything changes esp daily schedule and finances. Both sides must talk, negotiate, compromise and find a solution.

Take care sis n bros !

[Naughtii]

Nowadays, it is the men and the women duty to do house chore, or come up with the money to have a part time maid to do it.

[Nottherealme]

Originally Posted by lipe

Could it be the other partner comes from a family with maid/helper?

It boils down to their up bringing. If the his/her family has maid/helper, then their tendency is to let other do the work.

My brother-in-law, since childhood, mother bring his plain water whenever he asked for it. When he married, his wife do the same. Until today have not seen him lifting his hands to get water or wash the cups.

Perhaps TS'husband is like the above.

Yup, you are right. His mom did everything for him and now his mentality is I have to do it for him, just like his mother. But I've already made it clear to him that I refused to do everything while he laze at the sofa surfing Facebook.

[Nottherealme]

Originally Posted by enigma88

Think you need to talk to him before it's too late. List down all his unacceptable behaviours. When both of you are in a good mood, show him the compiled list. It's not good to shout at each other. Anger doesn't solve anything. If he is undisciplined, allocate some private time for just the 2 of you. Perhaps after the kids are asleep, once a week, he must put his phone away and give you his full attention. You can also do your part by giving him amazing sex. Men are easily satisfied. Then they will do anything for you.

Thank you bro for your advice. I have already tried whatever you have suggested before but it didn't make any difference.

[Nottherealme]

While the situation at home is kinda bleak during the period my first post went up, I met someone from here. We managed to hit it off and for the first time in a long while I was able to talk to someone about things that happened in my life. And we got kinda close but at the back of my mind, i can't shake off the guilt of hiding this from my husband.

And so I managed to break off whatever we had before we get to a situation too late to salvage. I decided to go back and stay faithful to my hub and chose not to hurt my kids. But I just wanna let J know (if you're reading this) that I miss you and hope you are doing well.

Thank you bros for your advice! I will not be replying to this thread anymore. Wish you guys all the best in your marriage.

[zlackzz]

Originally Posted by Nottherealme

Hello all fellow sis (and bro), I got nowhere to rant so I thought here might be the next best place to let out all my frustrations.

My husband and I have dated for 4 years before we got married and now we have 2 kids. Everyone says once you get married, the nightmare starts. 婚姻就是爱情的坟墓。And it's true.

He doesn't do his share of everything - be it housework or taking care of kids. Like most husbands I've seen wives complained about on Facebook post, he is glued to his phone all the damn time or when he isn't using the phone he is sleeping. When I ask him to do something, he complains this and that and says he is tired from working. But I am also working, also tired from dealing with bullshit. To me, he doesn't understand what married life is about. I feel so exhausted that breaking down is the norm nowadays.

Right now as I'm typing, he chose to be angry at me because I refused to help him take his phone to him, and shifted himself to the other room to sleep. Childish, I know right? I don't understand why he just refuse to understand the reason behind my breakdowns.

I don't even wanna get to the sex part because it feels like it is non-existent. I am lucky enough if we can get some action once a month. He doesn't ever do foreplay and the sex only lasts approximately 5 mins (?) before the deed is done.

I don't know what else to do or say to him anymore. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

Hi have 2 kids myself too. I roughly got to know my wife 4 years before getting married too. Concidentally. For me, its more of the opposite my wife is the lazy one and most of the time i work from home in a startup my boss trusts us with the work and gave us that flexibility so i am alright. What didnt work for me was that I was frustrated having to juggle between work and taking care of the kids.

Let me repeat taking care of kids is. FULL TIME JOB itself. Especially when you have two or more kids. You do everything alone is managable (without work) but if you do it while you are employed (especially if your company always monitor and demand work updates while managing children), only god knows how long you can maintain your sanity.

Marriage is all fun, honeymoon and shooting stars initially when there were no responsibilities. You have to communicate well among each other of else you will sink alone. Most of my wife colleagues end up sending their children to childcare if they dont plan to get a maid themselves. But you need to communicate. Be firm with your husband.

[Dignified69]

I will only say one thing. Go for the family counselling and do it for 1 year plus (do not stop after 2-3 sessions). If this problem is not solved now it will create much heartburn over the years.

Prolonged unfulfilled needs in a marriage is the most efficient way to destroy it. Either there will be divorce or one party cannot tahaan the stress it causes and die early.

While the helper solution is a practical one it may also not be practical in terms on cost etc. Much more important is the realisation that both parties have needs and these must be met.

Oso, dont raise Mamma's boys. Why create problem for next generation.