Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[beary]

Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs.

She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

[beary]

"My but you look different today Claudia." commented Rene to her co-worker.

"Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did you use -- special curlers and some dramatic eye make-up ?"

"No !" replied Claudia. "My dang vibrator shorted out this morning."


**********

My teacher is really giving me a tuff time" Little Johnny was telling his father.

"Handle it this way Johnny," his father advised. "Take special care with your personal appearance and attire. Pay attention in class. And do your assignments and homework promptly."

"I really don't think that'll help Dad," Johnny sighed.

"She hissed at me during study break that she's 3 weeks overdue."


**********


Little Johnny was in the math’s class one day when the teacher singled him out.

"If I gave you $20," the teacher began, "and you gave $5 to Mary, $5 to Sally and $5 to Susan, what would you have?"

Johnny thought for a moment and answered, "An orgy, sir!"

[beary]

Once upon a time, there were these twin brother’s named John and Bill Jones. John was happily married to a beautiful woman and bill was the proud owner of a dilapidated rowboat.

One day, John’s wife up and died, and on that same day, Bill’s boat sank. A couple of day’s later, and old lady walks up to Bill thinking he was John and said, " Mr. Jones, I am so sorry for your loss. You must be really sad."

To this Bill replied," I'm not the least bit sorry. She was a rotten thing right from the start. She had a crack in the back, a pretty big hole in the front, and she smelled of dead fish.

I got so I could handle her okay, but if I let anyone else use her, she would leak like anything. The hole in front kept getting bigger and bigger, and she would take on water pretty quick.

But this is what finished her. Four guys from out of town were looking for a good time, and asked me if I would rent her out to them. I told them what she was like, but they didn't care. The problem was, they all tried to get into her at once, and that caused her to split right up the middle."

The old lady fainted on the spot. Any wonder!

[beary]

A family was supposed to stay the night at a hotel, but there was a screwup with the rooms, so Grandpa had to sleep in the same bed as the fifteen-year-old grandson.

In the middle of the night, Grandpa woke up and shouted, "Quick! Get me a woman. Fast!!"

The grandson moaned. "Please, Grandpa, calm down. First, it's three o'clock in the morning, and you'll never find a woman at this hour. Second, you're eighty-two years old, and third, that's MY dick you're holding!"

[beary]

A company in the Foreign Legion had spent three years in the Sahara desert never having seen a woman. They finally decide to send one private on vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell them all about it.

After a week the private comes back all happy and relaxed. The whole company crowds around him waiting to hear of his great escapades.

"And on the third day . . . " he began.

Everyone hollers, "No! No! Start with the first day!"

"And on the third day," the private continues, "she asked me to stop so she could go to the bathroom."

[beary]

Three At The Pub

A man walks into a pub with an ostrich and a pussy cat. He goes up the bar and says: "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat."

The unlikely trio find a table, sit down and drink their drinks.

Next, it's the ostrich's round. He walks up to the bar and says: "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat."

Then the ostrich takes the drinks back to the table and they drink them.

When it comes to the cat's turn to buy a round, he simply tells his pals to "Sod off!"

So the man goes back to the bar and asks for another two beers and a whisky.

Impressed at his generosity, the barman says: "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why do you hang out with him?"

The man replies: "I once helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish, which landed me with the cat and the ostrich forever."

"What did you wish for?" enquires the barman.

"A long-legged bird with a tight pussy"

[beary]

12 Catholic Priests*

Twelve Catholic priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up... and all the other bells started to ring.

[beary]

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions:

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one", says the other cowboy, "what is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's" and then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."

[beary]

Jerry was walking near a ladies fashion store when he observed this
knockout blonde approaching him.

He says to the lady, "You are a gal with my favourite kind of legs!"

The blonde asks, "And just what kind of legs are they?"

Jerry says, " They have feet on one end and pussy on the other!"

[beary]

FEMALE PRECOITIAL AGREEMENT:

I, the undersigned, agree that:

1. In the highly unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me, as is entirely normal and in accordance with the natural order of things, and pumped away for two minutes, I shall politely fake one. It'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "Oh, you're so good, you're the best" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a compass.

2. Should your mother show me any photos of you as a child, like those ones taken at your auntie's wedding where you've got a velvet bow tie and a pudding-bowl haircut, I shall make no comment. Ever. Or even look at you in a way that suggests they are all "funny".

3. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there. To demonstrate my understanding of this principle, I will prepare your favourite meal or, in the event of not being able to cook, take you out for a few pints at my cost.

4. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak and that have discovered, contrary to popular belief, that size does matter.

5. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

6. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face. Under no circumstances will I attempt to start a conversation as you are dropping off to sleep.

7. I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname. Any references to this hallowed appendage will be prefaced with words such as "mighty", "huge" or "the thunderstick".

8. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

9. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay. I understand that video footage of such incidents is an indispensable part of the experience and in the event that you do not already possess one, I will acquire a video camera for you at the earliest opportunity.

10. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men".

11. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, barbecues and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of the lot. Except for the iron, the Hoover and the washing machine, of course.

Signed ____________________________________

Date ____________________

[Evil33]

A man goes to his doctor for his annual exam. After some tests, the doctor comes in and says, " I have some bad news, you'll only have 18 more erections in your life." The man, disheartened, rushes home. "Honey!" he yells. "I'm only going to have 18 more erections in my life!" His wife, horrified, says, " Well, that's okay, we'll just have to use them sparingly that is all." The man says, " What in the hell are you talking about? You're not on the list."

[Evil33]

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if
she had anything to say in her own defense. "Your Honor," she began coolly,
"I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly!"

[Evil33]

An elderly couple was sitting on the out porch when the husband turned to his wife and, "Muffin, I feel like making love tonight,” the wife replied, "Ok Ernest, I will let you, but be gentle this time." "But I am always gentle with you, dearest,"

"That’s not true, she replied, "the last time you woke me up TWICE!"

[Evil33]

A female employee went to speak to her boss. She told him "Well, since every female employees is suing you for sexual harassment, and you never sexually harassed me; I am going to sue you for discrimination."

[Evil33]

A man walks into the welfare office and tells the clerk, "You know, I'm getting tired of this welfare thing. I hate the image, and I don't want to be a drain on the public resources. It's time I found a real job." The clerk looks at him and replies, "Sir, we have just the thing for you. We have an opening for someone to be chauffeur and companion to rich young heiress. You drive her to shopping and lunch and Pilate’s classes, and satisfy all her sexual urges. You have the use of a stretch limo, and a two bedroom apartment over the garage. The salary is $300,000 a year plus expenses." The man stares at the clerk for a moment and then says, "You're bullshitting me!" The clerk replies sarcastically, "Well, you started it!"