Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Faidenk]

I went to see my doctor today.
“You need to stop masturbating,” my doctor said.
I said “Why?”
My doctor replied, “Because I'm trying to examine you!”

[Faidenk]

Irish Virginity
Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself. Virginity Test Kit. A small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel. "

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor? "

The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did C. ", you hit her with the Shovel."

[Faidenk]

I wanna be a Doctor!!!
Doctor, doctor, please kiss me," says the patient.

"No, I'm sorry, that would be against the code of ethics," says the doctor.

Ten minutes later the patient says: "Doctor, please, kiss me just once."
"No, I'm sorry, I just can't" he says.

Five minutes later, she asks again: "Please, please kiss me!"

"Look," says the doctor, "it's out of the question. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you.

[bigbirdbird]

Women with Big Boobs
...can get a taxi on the worst days.
...have men give them the best seats on a bus.
...have a neat place to carry spare change.
...have always been the center of the arts (art).
...make jogging a spectator sport.
...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub.
...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them).
...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie.
...can always carry a little extra cash.
...always float better.
...know where to look first for lost earrings.
...rarely lack for a slow dance partner.
...have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner.
...never have to buy a car with airbags.
...have a place to carry a extra beer.

Women with Little Boobs
...don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public.
...always look younger.
...find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap.
...can always see their toes and shoes.
...can sleep on their stomachs.
...have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars.
...know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts.
...know that everything more than a handful is wasted.
...can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle.
...can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out.
...never be accused of having implants.

[bigbirdbird]

A guy was visiting Toronto and asked where he could find a good whore house. He was given an address and told to ask for Sally.

He went to the address and requested Sally. She took him to a room, stripped down and said, "Go ahead and put it in, but let me know how it is."

After a few strokes he said, "It's a little bit loose."

She told him to get off for a minute, reached down and fiddled about with her privates. "Try it now." she said.

He entered her again and it was perfect, nice and tight.

After he finished he asked, "How do you manage to adjust it's size to fit anyone?"

"Easy," she said, "I've been in this business so long that I've developed warts on one side and worm holes on the other. I just button them up."

[bigbirdbird]

TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOUR SON HAS GROWN TOO OLD FOR BREAST FEEDING

10. He can open your blouse by himself.

9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.

8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.

7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.

6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.

5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.

4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.

3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.

2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos.

1. Beard abrasions on areola.

[bigbirdbird]

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst.

As they're walking along they see a little shack.

They run up to it and knock on the door.

This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers. The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.

The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."

The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."

The second man wants to live and agrees to do the deed.

The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside.

The women says, "fuck me then!"

The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes.

He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob.

He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window.

The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.

The man agrees and repeats the deed.

The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the gentleman and his friend some water.

The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.

The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

[sky_liner2]

Secret to a Long Marriage

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
"What a peaceful and loving couple." A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.


“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. “We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon on a pack mule.
We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, ‘that's once.’

We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, ‘That's twice.’
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead.

I started an angry protest over her treatment of the mule, when she looked at me, and quietly said, ‘That's once.’

And we lived happily ever after.

[bigbirdbird]

Top 10 things a man would do if he woke up in the morning with a Vagina:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do a split.

7. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

6. Get picked up in a bar in less that 10 minutes

5. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

4. Go to the gyno and ask to have the examination recorded on video.

3. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

2. Actually catch a buzz off 1 wine cooler.

And the # 1 thing a man would do is:

1. Finally find that damn G-spot.

[bigbirdbird]

Newlyweds are into their 2nd week of marriage
when the wife says to the husband...

I want to set the rules down about sex....
When my hair is nice and perfect ...I definitely
don't want to have sex!
If my hair is a little messed up and not that
perfect...maybe I do ....maybe I don't want to have sex....
But when my hair is messed up...I definitely
want to have sex....
Husband says.....o.k. but I have my rules about
sex also.... Every night when I come home from
work I will have one can of beer.....
When I have one can of beer I definitely don't
want to have sex.... When I have a couple of beers,
maybe I do...maybe I don't want to have sex....
When I have a six pack or a case of beer......
I don't give a Fuck about your hair......

[Whorefun]

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being
the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

[Whorefun]

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

[Whorefun]

There was this woman who had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed so she could look younger so she went to a plastic surgeon. She tells the doctor I cant get rid of these bags please help me. The doctor says he is gonna try and new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes she's supposed to crank it and the bags will go away. So she gets this crank put in her head and leaves. It works and works for a while until one day she cant get rid of these bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can but they just wont go away. So she goes to the doctor. She says to the doctor: "Doctor, this was working for a while, but I cant seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor replies: "Lady those aren't bags... those are your tits!" All she had to say was, "Now that would explain why I have this goatee."

[Whorefun]

A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your cunt?" "Fuck off, no you can't smell my cunt!" the woman yells back at him, "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".

[Whorefun]

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."