Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Super~Kids]

Parenting
Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.

Your Clothes

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

[Super~Kids]

Baptism
A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter.

As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.

During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.

With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"

[Super~Kids]

Be My Valentine
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies

[Super~Kids]

Divorce After 54 Years
Morris calls his son in NY and says," Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."

The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."

"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"

"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell
her. It will spare me the pain."

"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"

"No I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."

"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."

"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me That you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."

Morris promises.

After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well Sahna, it worked this time, but what are we going to going to do next time to get them to come home for the holidays?"

[Super~Kids]

Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog ...
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

[Super~Kids]

Sleeping Pills
An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

[Super~Kids]

Teacher: How can you make so many mistakes in just one day ?
Pupil: I get up early !

Teacher: What time do you get up in the morning ?
About an hour and a half after I arrived at school

What would happen if you took the school bus home ?
The police would make you bring it back !

What is the difference between a school bus driver and a cold ?
One knows the roads and one stops the nose !

Mother: How do you like your new teacher ?
Son: I don't. She told me to sit up front for the present and then she didn't give me one !

Mother: Does your teacher like you ?
Son: Like me, she loves me. Look at all those X's on my test paper !

Mother: How did you find school today ?
Daughter: I just got off the bus and there it was !

Son: I'm not going back to school tomorrow !
Father: Why not ?
Son: Well I've been there a whole day, I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk, so what's the use ?

I'm really glad you called me Fred, Dad
Why is that ?
Because when I got to school that's what everybody called me !

Teacher: If this class doesn't stop making so much noise I'll go crazy ?
Class: Too late, we haven't made a sound for an hour!

[Super~Kids]

Mother: How was your first day at school ?
Son: It was all right except for some man called "Teacher" who kept spoiling all our fun !

I'm not going back to school ever again
Why ever not ?
The teacher doesn't know a thing, all she does is ask questions !

Fred came home from his first day at school. "Nothing exciting happened," he told his mother, "except the teacher didn't know how to spell cat, so I told her."

What are you going to be when you get out of school ?
An old man !

What did you learn in school today ?
Not enough; I have to go back tomorrow !

Mother: What did you learn in school today?
Son: How to write.
Mother: What did you write?
Son: I don't know. They haven't taught us how to read yet!

Mother: What was the first thing you learned in class ?
Daughter: How to talk without moving my lips !

Teacher: What's big and yellow and comes in the morning to brighten a mother's day ?
Pupil: The school bus !

What's yellow, has wheels and lies on its back ?
A dead school bus !

How do bees get to school ?
By school buzz !

[Super~Kids]

Keep the school tidy; throw your rubbish out of the windows.

Our teacher's a peach; she's got a heart of stone!

Our teacher's a treasure; we wonder where she was dug up!

Our geography teacher is so bad he got lost showing some parents around the school.

I like teachers when they're at home!

Don't be late for school in the morning; stay in bed until the afternoon.

Teacher is an anagram of cheater.

My teacher used to be a werewolf; but she's howl right now.

The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain; but over here it always falls on the school holidays!

I'm teacher's pet; she can't afford a dog.

Teachers are very special; they're in a class of their own.

A bird in the hand - can make a terrible mess.

[Super~Kids]

Burger joint conversations nationwide
M.I.T.: "I had a nervous breakdown this weekend."
"Have some fries."

Caltech: "I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend."
"Have some fries."

Yale: "I got mugged on the way to class today."
"Have some fries."

Brown: "I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith."
"Cool! Me too! Have some fries."

Swarthmore: "I got a B."
"Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries."

Princeton: "My father took away my Porsche this weekend."
"Poor dear. Have some Escargot."

Harvard: "Did you do anything this weekend?"
"Nope. Have some fries."

Williams: "Don't I know you?"
"Of course you do, silly. Have some fries."

Cornell: "I killed my lab partner this weekend."
"Bummer. Have some fries."

Columbia: "I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school."
"Me too. Let's go get shot."

Penn: "I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school."
"Me too. Let's transfer to Columbia."

Stanford: "Dude, I have so much work this weekend."
"Like, chill out, dude. Have some, like, fries."

Dartmouth: "Oh man, I got so trashed this weekend."
"Have some beer."

Tufts: "I wish I were Ivy League."
"Here, drink the fry grease."

[Super~Kids]

Steven Wright 01
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading . . . And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." Then she asked, "How do you feel?" and I said, "Well, you know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . . It wasn't doing what I was doing.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me--and I didn't hear it.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

[Super~Kids]

Steven Wright 02
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I'm so hyper . . . [Said with a very dull voice.]

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Four years ago . . . No, it was yesterday. Today I . . . No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I . . . No, I don't.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

[Super~Kids]

Making an effort to help a "lonely" child
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

[Super~Kids]

Lightbulb joke collection 105
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't change light bulbs... Without light, they can't read the manual, and without the manual, they can't figure out how to change the light bulb.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Wait! Maybe the bulb isn't broken. Let's try it again.

Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seven. One to write the pseudocode, another to design the requisite peripherals, another three to code various sections of the main routine, another to sort out the memory conflicts, and Bill Gates to justify earning such swingeing fees...

Q: How many Microsoft Visual C++ programmers does it take ....
A: 400. 1 to change the bulb, 50 to write a magazine about it, 50 to write a help file about it, 50 to code a little gadget so when you hit the bulb it will announce all the names of the team involved, 50 to go down to the drinks machine and get everyone their can of coke, 50 to show off about how installing a light bulb for Bill has made them paper millionaires, 1 to answer the phone at the help desk ("Putting you through to our light bulb expert sir... click"), 148 to pad out the pictures in the "Light Bulb - how we did it" magazine.

Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.

[Super~Kids]

Evaluation comments
Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE: Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.

HAPPY: Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.

COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Annoying.

WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.

SHOULD GO FAR: Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.