Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[10toes]

Pussy vs Beer

A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: Beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: Beer.

Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Pussy can make you see God.
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about your next beer, you are
an alcoholic.
If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran
Advantage: Draw

Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle.
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

Its a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.

[10toes]

Something under my?!?!

Psychiatrists vs Bartenders
Ever since I was a child, Ive always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a psychiatrist and told him. . . Ive got problems. Every time I go to bed I think theres somebody under it. Im scared. I think Im going crazy.


Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the psyct.
Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..

How much do you charge?

Eighty dollars per visit, replied the expert.

Ill sleep on it, I said.

Six months later, he met me on the street. Why didnt you ever come to see me about those fears you were having? he asked.

Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!

A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!

Is that so? With a bit of an attitude he said, and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?

He told me to cut the legs off the bed!
Aint nobody under there now!

[bigbirdbird]

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes, and accidentally lets out a big fart.

She looked up at her new husband and said, "Aww, So sorry... excuse please! Front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud."

[impress]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black
and blue...

Doctor: 'What happened?'

Woman: 'Doctor, I don't know what to do,
Everytime my husband comes home drunk, he
beats me to a pulp'.

Doctor: 'I have a really good medicine
against that, when your husband comes home
drunk again, just take a glass of chamomile
tea and start gargling with it, just gargle
and gargle'.

Two weeks later, she came back to the doctor
looking reborn and fresh and happy.

'Doc, that was a brilliant idea. Everytime my
husband come home drunk I gargle with chamomile
tea and he never touch me'.

Doctor: 'You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!'

[impress]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”

The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”

“No” she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”

[impress]

A four-year-old boy asked his friend what a penis was.

His friend's response was that he did not know and he would ask his dad.

That evening the second boy asked his dad. His dad gladly exposed himself to his son and with his penis in hand said, "Son this is a penis.

In fact, if you take a good look you will see this is a perfect penis."

The next day the second five year old boy met the first five year old boy and called him behind a hedge.

The boy exposed himself and said, "This is a penis. In fact, if it were three inches shorter it would be a perfect penis!"

[impress]

A man enters the hospital for a circumcision.

When he comes to after the procedure, he's perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed.

"Son, there's been a bit of a mix-up," admits the surgeon. "I'm afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation.

You now have a vagina instead of a penis."

"What?" gasps the patient. "You mean I'll never experience another erection?"

"Oh, you might," the surgeon reassures him. "Just not yours."

[impress]

Coming to a river with which he was unfamiliar, a traveler asked a youngster if it was deep.

"No," replied the boy, and the rider started to cross, but soon found that he and his horse had to swim for their lives.

When the traveler reached the other side he turned and shouted: "I thought you said it wasn't deep?"

"It isn't," was the reply; "it only takes grandfather's ducks up to their middles!"

[impress]

For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day, the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child.

The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment.

Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

[impress]

A doctor finished examining a man in his office. "It's just a cold," he announced: "There is no cure, and you'll just have to live with it until it goes away."

"But, Doctor," the patient whined: "it's making me so miserable."

The doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. Then he said: "Look, go home and take a hot bath. Then put a bathing suit on and run around the block three or four times."

"What!" the patient exclaimed: "I'll get pneumonia!"

"Exactly," the doctor replied: "We have a cure for pneumonia."

[impress]

An old geezer in an old people's home takes a fancy to a woman who is also staying there. One day he plucks up the courage to go and talk to her and after a while he says he would like to make love to her.

She agrees that when everybody else goes on a day trip they both stay behind at the home and get down to it.

The old man goes to the woman's room and asks her how she likes to be made love to.

She tells him that she loves a man to go down on her and asks him if he would mind. He says he would love to do that for her and goes for it.

After about 30 seconds he comes back up and says that he is sorry but it just smells too bad down there. She thinks for a minute and tells him that it must be the arthritis.

He looks and her confused and states that surely you can't get arthritis down there and even if you could it wouldn't cause that smell.

She says "No it's the arthritis in my shoulder; I can't wipe my ass properly!"

[impress]

My brother Scott brought over a photo album of his
camping trip.

One picture showed a brown bear helping itself to his food. 'What kind of bear is that?' I asked.

'Its called a Kodiak', he replied.

'Oh yeah?' my husband Keith shot back. 'And I suppose
those white ones in the Artic are called Polaroid!'

[bigbirdbird]

HOME DRUNK

A wife was in bed pounding the pussy with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.

"Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife, "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"

"Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four! Damn, you're right."

They go back to pounding the pussy, and in a few minutes the husband wakes up and thinks, "Will someone stop this bed and let me off? I must be drunker than I thought. Hmmmm, I smell pussy, maybe that's what I need."

"Dear, are you awake? How about some pussy?"

The wife said, "Go to sleep, you've had it."

The husband says," Damn, I gotta quit this drinking, I'm losing my memory, hope it was good for you."

"It was great, said the wife. "Here feel that big load of cum you shot in my pussy."

The husband puts two fingers in her slimy pussy and says, "Boy I really did do it up well."

[beary]

Bumper Sticker Suggestions


1. Constipated people don't give a shit.

2. Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.

3. If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

4. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

5. If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

6. Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

7. If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better.

8. My kid got your honour roll student pregnant.

9. Thank you for pot smoking.

10. To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

11. If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counselling.

12. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

13. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

14. Horn broken...watch for finger.

15. It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

16. If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

[beary]

Blowjob Etiquette

(By A Female)

1. First and foremost we are not obliged to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you do get one be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw but it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No I don't have to swallow.

5. My ears are not handles

6. Extension to rule #5 - Do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally I don't want to puke on your prick.

7. I don't care how relaxed you are it's NEVER ok to fart.

8. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I have ruined it for you

9. No it doesn't particularly taste good and I don't care about the protein count.

10. No I will not do it while you watch t.v.

(By A Male)

1. First of all, yes you're obliged to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting, Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and be thankfull i'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning.

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavour country.

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we have had better.

11. If you swallow you won't have to worry about getting any on your face will you?