Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[page333]

Tom in deep thoughts is very quiet. Jerry asks, "What is wrong with you, Tom?"

"Please don't ask."

"I'm your best friend. You can talk to me."

"My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant."

"That's not possible."

"No, he did."

"How?"

"He punctured my condoms!"

[page333]

A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter.

He asks her to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.

After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, "Well, just what are you doing?"

She replied, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money just looking."

[page333]

A guy goes inside the confessional and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What did you do, my son?" asked the priest.

"Yesterday, I was walking along the beach at night, and I decided to explore a cave near the shore.

When turned on my flashlight, I witnessed two men having sex."

"Oh, so you were the jerk with the flashlight."

[page333]

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room, "...and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes," acknowledged the instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

[page333]

A man and a woman who had never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.

In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says "I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married!"

The man says happily, "Sure. That sounds great!" The woman says, "Good+ get your own fucking blanket!"

[page333]

A Japanese tourist hails a taxi at Orchard Road and asked the taxi-driver to send him to Changi Airport.

On the way, a car zoomed by, the Japanese tourist responded, " Ohhhhh !!!!! Toyota !!! Make in Japan !!! Very fast !!! "

Then another car zipped by, he said, " Ohhhhh!!!!! Nissan!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!! "

And another speed by, he said, " Ohhhhh!!!!! Honda!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!! "

At the meantime, the taxi-driver is getting very frustrated and sick of the Japanese tourist.

Upon reaching Changi Airport, he said "$50 please!" The Japanese tourist was shocked and argued, "Why so expensive? it's only a short distance"
in which the Taxi-driver replied, "Ohhhhh!!!!!Taxi-meter!!!!!Made in Japan!!!!!Very fast!!!!!

[page333]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[page333]

On a sunny Sunday afternoon, two young church members were going door to door to invite people to visit their services.

When they knocked on one door, it was immediately clear the woman who answered was not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and before they could say anything more, she slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, however, the door did not close; in fact, it bounced back open.

She tried again, really putting her back into it, and slammed it again with the same result - the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in her door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson.

Just then, one of them said quietly: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you really need to move your cat."

[page333]

There was a man who had a problem getting an erection so he goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes all kinds of tests and finally decides that he can cure the man.

The doctor tells the man to go home and wait until his wife is asleep, and then to reach down between her legs and get a little love juice on his finger and rub it under his nose, and that this would stimulate his brain and then he would get an erection.

The man takes the doctor's advice and that night after his wife has gone to sleep he reaches down between her legs and gets some of her juice and he rubs it on his upper lip right under his nose.

After a minute or two he starts to feel a tingling between his legs, so he grabs some more juice and rubs it under his nose. The next thing he knows he has a full erection.

He is real excited he wakes up his wife to share in the good news. He wakes her up and says look what I have.

She rolls over and looked at him and says "You wake me up at two in the morning to show me that you have a Bloody Nose???

[Jkiruo]

Bad Example

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

[Jkiruo]

The Creation of a Pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.

[Jkiruo]

A Girls First Time

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?

[Jkiruo]

Lettuce and Tomato

One night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say "I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say "lettuce" and if you want to go faster say "tomatos"

So they were getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatos, lettuce, tomatos, tomatos"

Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said

"Could you stop making sandwiches your getting mayonase on me"!

[Jkiruo]

Psychiatrist Observations

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

[Jkiruo]

An Ode To Oral Sex

Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
So when the fuck's he gonna cum
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, yuck!y stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what's your revenge, your on the rag.