husband leaving me, please advise

[Softcore]

That's because for your case, your partner is not giving this matter any attention. Given a choice between making love to you and playing computer games, which would he choose?

Question him: "Do you believe that once we're married, we do not need to keep the passion between us alive?"

His answer will give you an insight into the coming years of your marriage.

[adviseme]

Dear everybody.

I am humbled and touched by all the replies, private messages, well wishes and prayers. I wish I could thank everyone personally but it will just make this thread unnecessarily long. Some of you have shared your private lives with me and i promise they will be kept private.

As one of the Samsters rightly pointed out, the fact that I seek advice from this forum of mostly unfaithful men proved that I am tolerant (note: this is different from accepting) of infidelity. Maybe I should make things ugly for my husband but ultimately what would that achieve? He has been a good man. He has brought out the best in me and we have shared good times together. His affair does not change that. As his family, I will accept him and his mistakes unconditionally. Not easy, I will try

I still love my husband, very much. He has always been gentle and kind to me, even at his most distant moments. Maybe that is why I find it hard to let go. I just wish he could see beyond this moment to what we have shared and mostly to what we will be doing to our son.

He has agreed to stay put for the time being since I am also going through some stress from work and wont be able to cope with so much at one go. I guess I will take this time to think things through. The whole episode seemed too surreal and I suspect I am still numb from the hurt to know what I really want. Hopefully he will also take this time to sort things out and realize that love is not just a feeling. Love needs to be nourished. Otherwise someone else will go through what I am going through in just a couple of years’ time.

Do remember me in your prayers. I really need it.

[Acanthus]

Originally Posted by Softcore

That's because for your case, your partner is not giving this matter any attention. Given a choice between making love to you and playing computer games, which would he choose?

Question him: "Do you believe that once we're married, we do not need to keep the passion between us alive?"

His answer will give you an insight into the coming years of your marriage.

I totally agreed with Passion being the most important factor in maintaining a marriage.

Ask yourself this - did you make an effort to at least show interest in things he enjoy doing? Did you try to get him to participate in things you enjoy doing - like your hobby?

All these time bonding will rekindle the passion, if the passion is gone, then all that is left will be just responsibilty to the other party and the family.

and trust me, its very easy to break.

[injuredman]

After reading through the many advice given by the brothers here I guess you must have some thoughts on the current situation. I would advise you to take some time to think about what you really want to achieve from the current situation before you move on as your personal decision should not be affected by what the others think (i.e. you may want to stay on and weather all the bad emotions and actions from your hubby or you may want to leave in the end).

Anyway, first and foremost, I would think that you should clear your mind and look towards your target first. As this would help you to make a clearer decision in time to come. Whether you want to give more to salvage the situation or to leave will be dependent on the results of your thoughts and the willingness to sacrifice for the relationship. Humans are emotional and will definitely be affected by lots of emotional factors which is why you need to stay strong in order to persevere.

All the best to you and hope that you will be able to emerge stronger after the entire episode has ended. Do talk to us again if you need anything. Take care!

[_AXL_]

Originally Posted by adviseme

Me (39) and husband (41) do have our share of ups and downs, having struggled with a 5 yo son. But things have been better now because son is older and less dependent on us. We hardly have any disagreement cos he is always busy at work and I try not to waste our precious time together fighting over trivial issues.

He started his cold treatment towards me for almost 18 months. I believed him when he said it was because of work as he still was the responsible father and husband although he minimised physical contact with me. Sex was at best twice a month and the last time we did it was 2 months ago. I am not an unattractive woman. I jog and work out regularly and have been accosted by men in the gym.

I have tried to talk to him about the cold treatment but he denied problems. Just told me not to think too much. 6 months ago, he finally told me he doesnt feel the same anymore, but denied that there was anybody else. He said he was staying on because of our son. Despite the hurt, I continued to try to make it work. Put up with his cold shoulder, tried to spend more time with him etc. Our relationship had been cordial, share jokes, have meals together, go out as a family etc.

first of all, i m sorry to hear about your marital problems. it is a very personal problem and i dont know if i can help, so i m sorry if i wasted your time. before u get angry, hurt or betrayed, did u put yourself in your husband's shoes??? however, i m not claiming that your husband is not in the wrong. but at sammyboy, we can help u by giving u some of the generic psyche of a man.

no responsible man would tell u he is staying on only because of your child. period. this is not a responsible man. to me, he is worse than those men who pay for sex. they only commit physical adultery while your husband committed physical and emotional adultery.

however, the crux lies why he actually did that to you? again, i m not saying that the fault lies with u, but why??? lay those those feelings of hurt and betrayal and think. only u and maybe your husband know the truth.

1. u said u talked to him and he told u 6 mths back that he no longer feels anything for u. i m sure a guy would not tell u that the 1st time u ask. did u bug him for a long time before he finally confessed?
2. although u try not to quarrel over trivial matters, did these quarrels still happen often?
3. out of curiosity, why did u say that both of u struggled with your 5 yo son???
4. were the gym sessions for him or for yourself???
5. after his confessions that he didnt feel for u anymore, were u the only one who tried to kickstart the marriage again???

He finally came clean today. He has been sleeping with a colleague for almost a year now. She is also married, with a young child, has no problem with her husband. He told me that I have been a good mother and wife and there was no push factor for his affair. He said they were compatible as they have the same character. He does not expect to marry her but decided to come clean as he is tired of hiding and lying.

colleagues are very dangerous. your husband spends a minimum of 8 waking hours everyday at work. probably much more waking hours than at home. when problems arise at work, his colleagues would be able to emphatise better than u. agreed???

telling u the work problems would be troublesome if u did not pay much attention to the ongoing politics there. even if u did pay attention, it would be difficult to really appreciate the actual situation since u r not there physically.

but the main issue i have here is what u meant by "he FINALLY came clean today." didnt he tell u 6 months ago that the problem was that he no longer has feelings for u??? but he suddenly confessed (out of the blue) that he was having an affair with a happily married woman!!! now, i m confused!!! cos i could swear that a man would never do that unless at gunpoint or confronted with irrefutable evidence!!! so, i m very interested to know how u made yr husband confess... if u bugged him incessently, i m inclined to think that there is a possibility that he made the affair up just to get u off his back!!!

i m sorry, but it just seems to me that the reason that he no longer has feelings for u is just not a good enough reason, but the appearance of another woman is good enough for u. u didnt ask him to move out when he no longer loves u, but now he has committed adultery, he has to move out.

i m just thinking, committing adultery doesnt mean that he doesnt love u. there r tons of men out there (and in here) who engages in paid sex but love their wives and children to bits. isnt the loss of feelings the bigger problem here???

my suspicion is that both your husband and yourself should put all your pride aside and confess how much both of u value this marriage.

your husband needs to know this. he has taken a marriage vow. not many people think that it is sacred, but it is. and tell him to wake up his fucking idea!!! no man can love a woman forever. the love will fade, and that's when lust for other women takes over. he is then measured by whether he can overcome them or succumb to them.

your husband must know that a marriage will grow. love is the reason u got together. the love will grow into companionship and friendship. not the normal companionship, but the trust that both of u would stick by each other, for better or for worse. the kind of companionship that would last a lifetime, the kind of companionship that would equip each other with the confidence to face the big bad world, the kind of companionship that offers mutual support which makes the kind of shit u have to take all worth it. simply the kind that one can never get from PRC prostitutes or happily married colleagues.

and friendship is not the friendship u make with your bros/sistas u go drinking or shopping with. the kind of best friend who can share your deepest fears and insecurities, and yet not make u less of a man or woman. your biggest fan and your biggest supporter. and newsflash: it takes 2 to work.

for u, i have this niggling feeling that u dont let up. nagging is a man's biggest fear. your words, though humbly seeking help, is still shining with strength and pride. it is good generally to have these strengths, but the current situation calls for u to put them down and solve these issues with your husband. dont hesitate to seek professional help but only if both of u are really comfortable with it.

i m sorry if i offended u. my wife and i hope that both of u work it out and do not have to resort to divorce. take care.

[Bangster]

Sheesh...

I did not know we have so many damn counsellors here in SBF!!

I really thought we were just a bunch of happy fuckers!!

[fleetfoot]

Yeah we all r happy fuckers, but not that fucked that 'xiao chong nao' (sperm rush to brain). Quite a comforting thought actually.

leave they guy seriously. Being a guy, I know for a fact its not going to be the same any more. Even if he says he will change or leaves the girl. Anyway what's important is yr son, and singapore law protects the fairer sex so most probably you will get custody.

Eventually even if you do find someone new or not , it wouldn't matter. Its better than to live in misery right?

[Bangster]

Dont be so pessimistic lah...

There are and have been successful reconciliations and we should encourage Sis Adviseme..

But I am no counsellor here..just a happy fucker.

[adviseme]

(my previous reply did not get posted so I am posting another one)

Dear everybody

I am truly humbled and touched by all the advice, private messages, well wishes and prayers. Some of you have shared very personal encounters and I promise that they will stay private. I wish I could reply to each one of you individually but it will make this thread unnecessarily long.

Current situation is he will not move out so soon. As mentioned, I am going through some stress from work and he is helping me through this period first. Things do not look terribly optimistic at this point in time. I am going to see a counsellor myself to get over this shock and hopefully make a proper decision from there.

Again, thanks. I really appreciate all that kindness. I know Samsters do not log into the forum to play Aunty Agony and all your replies lessened the pain somewhat.

Finally, do say a prayer for me, I really need it.

[adviseme]

Hi, I feel burdened to reply you.

before u get angry, hurt or betrayed, did u put yourself in your husband's shoes???
ya I guess I let self pity envelope me before thinking from his perspective.

however, the crux lies why he actually did that to you? again, i m not saying that the fault lies with u, but why???
trust me, I wish I knew why too

1. u said u talked to him and he told u 6 mths back that he no longer feels anything for u. i m sure a guy would not tell u that the 1st time u ask. did u bug him for a long time before he finally confessed?
guilty as charged

2. although u try not to quarrel over trivial matters, did these quarrels still happen often?
no quarrels at all, hard to believe but true

3. out of curiosity, why did u say that both of u struggled with your 5 yo son???
other than the normal teething problem of having an additional member in the household, we had no help from family, no maid, and I suffered from post natal blues

4. were the gym sessions for him or for yourself???
myself

5. after his confessions that he didnt feel for u anymore, were u the only one who tried to kickstart the marriage again???
sadly, yes


colleagues are very dangerous. your husband spends a minimum of 8 waking hours everyday at work. probably much more waking hours than at home. when problems arise at work, his colleagues would be able to emphatise better than u. agreed???
he spends 13-14 hours in the office 5 days a week, so yes, I fully agree

but the main issue i have here is what u meant by "he FINALLY came clean today." didnt he tell u 6 months ago that the problem was that he no longer has feelings for u??? but he suddenly confessed (out of the blue) that he was having an affair with a happily married woman!!! now, i m confused!!! cos i could swear that a man would never do that unless at gunpoint or confronted with irrefutable evidence!!! so, i m very interested to know how u made yr husband confess... if u bugged him incessently, i m inclined to think that there is a possibility that he made the affair up just to get u off his back!!!
i stopped bugging him and naively believed that maybe our routine-ness made he stop feeling for me. i was going out for my morning jog this morning when suddenly he came and confessed. strange but true.

i m sorry, but it just seems to me that the reason that he no longer has feelings for u is just not a good enough reason, but the appearance of another woman is good enough for u. u didnt ask him to move out when he no longer loves u, but now he has committed adultery, he has to move out.
I thought I could rekindle flames if there wasnt anybody else. However if there was, I doubt I could compete with a sweet romantic somebody else with my routine and daily living stuffs.

i m just thinking, committing adultery doesnt mean that he doesnt love u. there r tons of men out there (and in here) who engages in paid sex but love their wives and children to bits. isnt the loss of feelings the bigger problem here???
In a way you are right but I guess he strayed cos he lost his feelings

no man can love a woman forever. the love will fade, and that's when lust for other women takes over. he is then measured by whether he can overcome them or succumb to them.
yes, I fully agree. He seems determined to leave me for her. I have told him that he needs to work on this else she will go through what I am going through now.

your husband must know that a marriage will grow. love is the reason u got together. the love will grow into companionship and friendship. not the normal companionship, but the trust that both of u would stick by each other, for better or for worse. the kind of companionship that would last a lifetime, the kind of companionship that would equip each other with the confidence to face the big bad world, the kind of companionship that offers mutual support which makes the kind of shit u have to take all worth it. simply the kind that one can never get from PRC prostitutes or happily married colleagues.and friendship is not the friendship u make with your bros/sistas u go drinking or shopping with. the kind of best friend who can share your deepest fears and insecurities, and yet not make u less of a man or woman. your biggest fan and your biggest supporter. and newsflash: it takes 2 to work.
Reading this made me tear. I wish he would listen to this.

nagging is a man's biggest fear. your words, though humbly seeking help, is still shining with strength and pride. it is good generally to have these strengths, but the current situation calls for u to put them down and solve these issues with your husband.
i dont nag, really, cos i know it only makes the man shut off completely. and yes, we do calmly talk about the issue at hand.

dont hesitate to seek professional help but only if both of u are really comfortable with it.he refused counselling cos he said his mind is made up.

i m sorry if i offended u. my wife and i hope that both of u work it out and do not have to resort to divorce. no, please i am not offended at all. in an way i envy your wife cos you are committed to your marriage, mine wasnt. things are not optimistic right now and i guess I can only try so much, eventually, I need to have the grace to let go.

Thanks again for your long advice. I really appreciate it.

God bless you and your wife.

[spectreray]

Hi,

I was in the same situation b4, have broken off the relationship since but still remians friend. My advice to you will be the same for my close friend whose husband did the same.

Firstly, do you still love your husband? Secondly, will you forgive him for what he has done and be able to forget what he did? Its important cos you don't want this to keep flashing in your mind 5 or 10 years down the road n be the cause of your what so ever in the future

Thirdly, this will be a waiting game. You must have the patience to last the whole process of having him back. I would advise to let him stay out, away from you and your kid. Time will create loneliness in him cos the other woman have family of her own and will not be there for him 4ever. This loneliness will pull him back and by then, passion or love hopefully will be back between both of you. All the best and please remain optimisstic.

[Spanner]

(1) Wife lost interests in making love with me.
(2) We don't communicate much.
(3) Wife only spend time with the kids.
(4) Love is almost not in our dictionary.
(5) Daily routine word exchange between us "Ate already?", "How's the kids?", "You sleep 1st, I got work to do."
(6) Emotion unstable wife
(7) Unfaithful husband.

All these above-mentioned happened to me and my wife. What will all these situations lead to? Needless to say is the D-word, DIVORCE.

But God did not agree with us, HE lead us to this course for troubled couples which is called "Marriage Encounter". Its a weekend stay in retreat for married couples, started by the Catholic Community. But trust me, you will see all sorts of religions. Malay couples, Hindu couples, Taoism couples and many more.

I was very reductant to go and does my wife. We had a long talk and finally gave ourselves a chance and see how it can help us. At first we were very doubtful as how much it can help. That was in early January.

End result, we are together again and is on the road of recovery. It made us understand each other and ourselves.

Help is always there, but at the end of day, it still depends on ourselves whether we want to be helped and how much we want to be helped?

Take care and God Bless Always.....

Marriage Encounter Website : Worldwide Marriage Encounter Singapore

[Titansim1]

Originally Posted by adviseme

hello block11. You are right, he is feeling guilty now. Kept apologising to me and told me that he felt bad putting me through this. He is a good man. I am not sure if he is confused as he seems to be sure about what he is doing. He has even started viewing units. I wondered if he is just trying to get out of being married and she was a good reason since he doesnt intend to marry her anyway. He told me that instead of immediate divorce, maybe we should look at a 3 year annulment, maybe things will improve...but he put in a disclaimer that dont read too much into it. Things arent going smooth at workfront for me. He knew before the showdown. Was actually thinking of using this or the fact that son is still young as an excuse to hold him back and wait it out. Dont really know. But thanks for offering your advice. Thanks.

Maybe the reason he kept apologizing to you, because he can't bear this secret anymore and he would like to end this relationship wt you, however he doesn't want to play as so called BAD guy in this story. Having said that, I wouldn't recommend you to file divorce with him unless it is the last resort. Being a new father, I can understand you as mother in the family especially with children. Here are the following steps, hopefully could help you in making decision:
- Be rational and judge by your understanding about your husband and what he is trying to do?. Woman tends to negate the fact by pursuading herself that your husband is not a bad guy.
- If you are closed with his good friends who know about this, maybe you could find out he and the other woman relationship, to understand his character better?
- Based on the fact and your judgement, make the best decision.

Sometime, we as husband...really do not know how to cherish our life partner's. When we realising this fact, most of the time, it will be too late.
So, perhaps...letting him go out and living with the other woman will make him realizing that how good you are.

[ttrax]

Stay or leave dones not really matter here. Mostly important thing is you have to stay positive and happy.

Look around at all those single parent around you.. All the kids grown up to be just as great.

But will seriously like to recommend that u think about it carefully, make the decision, and move on with it. (pls stat-by your close friends so that u can have someone to talk to.

Stay strong gal...

[aczeta76]

sent you a PM.. each case is unique so please search within yourself as well as look at things objectively before u making any judgement call..

Let me know if you need to sound off me.