Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[QQBoy]

有五等美女

一等美女漂洋过海
二等美女深圳珠海
三等美女北京上海
四等美女乡下等待
五等美女下放劳改

[bakylotus]

GARAGE DOOR


The boss walked into the office one morning
not knowing his zipper was down and his fly
area wide open. His assistant walked up to
him and said, 'This morning, when you left
your house, did you close your garage door?'

The boss told her he had closed the garage
door and walked into his office puzzled by
the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly
noticed his fly was open and quickly zipped it
up. He then understood his assistant's question
about the 'garage door'.

He headed out for a cup of coffee and passed by
her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open,
did you see the Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't, all I saw
was an old mini van with two flat tyres!'.

[Roman city]

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What?! There's no pool here?"
Long pause... "Uh .... is this 221-1811?"

[Playman]

Pope Vs Ah Pek

Ah Pek is an old man in Chinese

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Chinese
Had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese
community.
So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a
member of the Chinese community. If the Chinese win, they could
stay.

If the Pope wins, the Chinese would leave. The Chinese realized
They had no other choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Ah Pek
to represent them.

Ah Pek asked for one condition to be added to the debate. "To make
It more interesting" he said "neither side would be allowed to talk".


The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came.

Ah Pek and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute.


Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Ah Pek looked back at him and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.
Ah Pek pointed to the ground at where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a loaf and a glass of wine.
Ah Pek pull out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said "I give up. This man is too good. The
Chinese can stay."


An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him
What happened?

The Pope said "First I held up three fingers to represent the holy
trinity.
He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was
still one God common to both our religions."

"Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all
Around us."
He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was
Also right here with us."

"I pulled out the wine and loaf to show that God absolves all sin.
He showed me an apple to remind us of the original sin.
He had an answer for everyth
ing. What could I do?"


Meanwhile, the Chinese community had crowded around Ah Pek. "What
happened?" they asked.

"Well" said Ah Pek "first he indicated to me that all Chinese had
3 days to get out of here.
I replied to him f*@k off and not one of us was leaving.

Then he pointed that this whole city would be cleared of Chinese.
I showed him that we are staying right here."

"Yes, and then???" asked the crowd
"I don't know" said Ah Pek "he took out his lunch and I took out
mine!!!"

[Playman]

Right approach
Drink buddies
2 married men are out drinking one night when the first one turns to the other and says u know, " I dont knw what else to do, whenever I go home after we've been drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway,. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, I take my shoes off before I step into the house, sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into my bed and my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late. His buddy looks at him and says, well you are obviously taking the wrong approach, I screech into the driveway, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into the bed rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, "how about a blow job" ? and you know what, she's always sound asleep !

[Playman]

Marriage Rules

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady. And after the wedding, he laid down the following Rules:


"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I Expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you That I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, Fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my Old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about It. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just Understand that there will be sex here at seven O'clock every night ......... Whether you're here or
Not."

(DAMM SHE'S GOOD!)

[Playman]

Dead Pussy

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

[Playman]

Aids

The phone rang and the lady of the house answered : " Hello ".
" Mrs. Ward, please. "
" Speaking …… "
" Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones from the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your husband’s doctor sent your husband’s blood sample to our lab yesterday,
a blood sample from another Mr. Ward arrived as well,
and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's.
Frankly the results are either bad or terrible. "


" What do you mean ? " she asked nervously.
" Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer,
and the other tested positive of AIDS.
We can't tell which is your husband's. "
" That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again? " questioned Mrs. Ward.
" Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time. "
" Well, what am I suppose to do now ? "


" The people in the Medicare recommended that you
drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him. "

[Playman]

Hand Lotion

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser.
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells, "Holy Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion, too!"

[Shah Alam]

The laws of golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

[Shah Alam]

What will you do for golf?
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:

First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday."

[Shah Alam]

I want to buy a golf ball
A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.

Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"

"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

[Shah Alam]

Dad will never say
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

[Shah Alam]

Defining teenagers
A Teenager is...

A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.

Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.

A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.

A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.

An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.

A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.

A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.

A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager

[Shah Alam]

Mothers taught us
Things My Mother Taught Me

My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING...You are going to get it when we get home.

and my all time favorite thing - JUSTICE..."One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."