Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

THE OFFICIAL BLONDES SEX QUIZ
TRUE or FALSE?
1. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit in the Outback.
2. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird.
3. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
4. The G-string is part of a violin.
5. Anus is the Latin word for yearly.
6. Testicles are found on an octopus.
7. Foetus is a character in "Gunsmoke".
8. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
9. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
10. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
11. Sodomy is a special kind of fast growing grass.
12. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins.
13. Douche is the Italian word for twelve.
14. An enema is someone who is not your friend.
15. Scrotum is a small moon orbiting Uranus.
16. Climax is a weather balloon.
17. Condom is a small apartment complex.
18. Menopause is a button on the VHS remote control.

[bigbirdbird]

The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on.

5'9' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top.

I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer.

No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said ' Hi ', and I said ' Hi' in return.

She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked.

'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top.

Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast. 'How do you feel now,' she purred.

'OK' I replied.

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!' Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and........ '

" Ahhh...." she growelled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt.

My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet !!!! She snapped, 'Well tell me this, Smart Ass : Have you ever felt such a cunt?'

'I certainly have' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'

[bigbirdbird]

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,

'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:

BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,

BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,

BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.




'From now on when I say BELL 1

I want you to strip naked.

When I say BELL 2

I want you to jump in bed.

And when I say BELL 3

We are going to make love all night.'


The next night he came home from work and yelled

'BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.




When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled, 'BELL 4!'

'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?




'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied,'
'YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!'

[bigbirdbird]

The Internet is like a penis

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"

Some folks have it, some don't.

Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.

They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior.

They think it gives them power. They are wrong.

Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it.

Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop.

Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

[bigbirdbird]

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'

Her mum replies 'No, because she is in heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in the heat, and to come ask you.'

He took a rag, soaked it in gas, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..

Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
You'll love this!!!!!!!!!)...............


The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

[soundlab]

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.Only one person
could go, and he will not return to Earth.

The first applicant, an American engineer, was asked how much he wanted to
be paid for going.

"A million dollars", he answered, "because I wish to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a Russian doctor, was asked the same question.

He asked for two million dollars. "I wish to give a million to my family,
he explained, "and leave the
other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a Indian politician. When asked how
much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million
dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The Indian Politician replied, one million is for you, I'll keep one million,and we'll give the American engineer one million and send him to
Mars"......

[soundlab]

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.

I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say
one thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have
some fun?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to
your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put
them with my two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and
read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying
that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and
worship."

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's
house.

The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in
their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male
talking parrots,and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes! Do
you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put
your Bible away Frank, our prayers have been answered!!!!!!!"

[soundlab]

Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and
falling to sleep.
All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl
standing in front of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?......and who are you?" he
asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you
are in heaven."

"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.....I'm too
young." said Harry.
"If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a
hen. You can choose on your own..."

Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is
too tiring,
but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a
rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen." Harry replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really
nicely feathered.
But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow........then
along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it
feel?"

"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have
you never laid an egg before??"

"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then
'Plop'
and an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and
squeezed.
And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're shitting all over the bed !"

[soundlab]

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating
table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at
the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all
wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart,
no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are
inter-changeable!

[soundlab]

A woman has had serious headaches for several years
and has tried everything - been to several doctors and
nothing has worked.

Until one day she was having lunch with a friend who
referred her to a hypnotist who, according to her
friend "works wonders on anything."

The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her
husband,"Remember those headaches I have been having
all of these years, dear? Well, they are gone now. No
more headaches".

The husband asks, "What happened?".
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at
myself and repeat "

I do not have a headache. I DO NOT
have a headache. I DO NOT have a headache.

"Believe it or not, it worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been
exactly a stud in the bedroom these last several
years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if
he can do anything for that?"

The husband is unsure he wants to do that, but agrees
to try it.
Following his appointment with the hypnotist, the
husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his
wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He rips off her clothes, puts her on the bed and
says,"Don't move. I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes
later and jumps on the bed and makes passionate love
to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!".
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right
back."..

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back a few
minutes later for round two with his wife -- even
better than the first...
The wife sits up and her head is spinning. "This is
really great!"
Her husband again says, "Don't move. I'll be right
back."

With that he goes back in the bathroom.
This time his wife follows and sees him through the
open crack in the door standing at the mirror and
saying,

She's not my wife. ... She's not my wife. ...
She's NOT my wife!"

[soundlab]

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa, Canada where a
woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may
choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back
down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "well, that's better than
my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "that's great, but I wonder what's further
up?"
And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better," she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and
help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman. "Very tempting,
but there must be more, further up!" and again she heads up another
flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking,
help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me!
But just think; what must be awaiting me further on?" so up to the sixth
floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men
on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please.

Thank you for shopping Husband-Mart and have a nice day.

[bigbirdbird]

The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance.

"Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?"

"It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten- minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you."

"I gotta try it," said Manny. So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep.

He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him. "What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?"

"What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where the fuck were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?

[bigbirdbird]

The teacher announces, "The topic of the day is describe your mother to me as a bird, and tell me why."

She leaves the kiddies for a short while and then asks them their answers.

Kelly at the front goes first, "My Mummy's like a swan, because she's white and elegant"

"Thank you Kelly" says teacher, and she continues going around the class.

Bobby says "My Mummy's like a stork, cos she has babies and babies, and I have 7 brothers and 3 sisters."

"Thank you Bobby." says the teacher, and continues with the other students.

Finally there is no-one left but Little Johnny, so the teacher finally asks him, "Johnny, what bird most resembles your mother?"

Little Johnny pipes up with "A thrush!"

The teacher, thinking she may finally have a decent answer asks, "Why is that?"

Little Johnny replies, "Because she's an irritating bitch!"

[bigbirdbird]

The Perfect Woman Would Say.....

1. I'll swallow it all....I love the taste.

2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!

4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome!

5. God... .f I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!

6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?

7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.

8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.

10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.

12. I'll be out painting the house.

13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.

14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!

15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

16. No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

17. Your mother did a great job raising you.

18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.

19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for God's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.

20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

21. Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!

22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.

23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.

24. That was a great fart! Do another one!

25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...

[bigbirdbird]

The playboy encountered a lovely young thing on one of his trips abroad and decided to marry her.

Blessing the fact that she was not only a virgin but totally naive, he seized on the wedding night as a chance to break her in right, and had her perform oral sex with him a number of times.

The next day the bride went to see her mother, and burst into tears almost immediately.

"Oh, Mother," she sobbed . "I did so want to have children, and now I just know I never shall."

"Now, now, dear, what makes you so sure?" asked the mother soothingly.

"Because." she wept, "because I'll never learn to swallow that dreadful stuff!"