Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Marikita Didi]

A Medical Warning

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of sexually transmitted disease. This disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim (pronounced "gonna re-elect him"). Many victims have contracted it after having been screwed for the past 4 years, in spite of having taken measures to protect themselves from this especially troublesome disease.

Cognitive symptoms of individuals infected with Gonorrhea Lectim include, but are not limited to: Anti-social personality disorder traits; delusions of grandeur with a distinct messianic flavor; chronic mangling of the English language; extreme cognitive dissonance; inability to incorporate new information; pronounced xenophobia; inability to accept responsibility for actions; exceptional cowardice masked by acts of misplaced bravado; uncontrolled facial smirking; ignorance of geography and history; tendencies toward creating evangelical theocracies; and a strong propensity for categorical, all-or nothing behavior.

The disease is sweeping Washington. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed and baffled that this malignant disease originated only few years ago in a Texas Bush.

[Marikita Didi]

George W. Bush's Intelligence Quiz

While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

"Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb ass."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ass, It's Tony Blair!"

[teamilk]

A plane crashes into an abandoned island with 4 survivors; 1 American man, 1 Chinese man, 1 Japanese man and a lady.

The 3 men got horny and decided to rape the lady turn by turn.

The american went first; ripped of the lady's blouse but saw that the brand of the bra was "Triumph". He hesitated and backed off as he didn't want to disgrace his country.

The chinese, seeing the american backing off, went ahead. ripped off bra and the skirt. Then he saw the brand of her panties "Panda". He too, hesitated and backed off.

The japanese happily rushed in after the chinese backed off. Ripped off her panties and he saw his "country's flag". Stood there and saluted to it.

[teamilk]

A man visited the brothel one fine day.

He went to the "reception".

pimp: how can i help u sir? we have a wide variety of girls today!
man: i have a special request. i'm not sure if you have it...
pimp: sure we do! let's hear what u want!
man: i want a "pear hor" (shaved pussy) + "ccb" (smelly pussy).
pimp: *shocked and deep in thoughts* erm...yes surprisingly we do have! please go to the 6th room. she's inside waiting!

The man happily goes to the 6th room. Opened the door and saw a beautiful lady standing at the corner. totally naked but he saw a black bush at her pussy.
The man returns to the "recept" and complained: "that's not a shaved pussy!"
pimp: "really? i think you have mistaken sir, it's a shaved pussy! please go see again!"

The man unwillingly walks to the 6th room and saw the same lady, again with the black bush.
This time, the man was furious with the pimp, thinking that the pimp is trying to fool him.

man: she's really not shaved!
pimp: okok, chill bro, i'll go with u this time.

both of them walked to the 6th room and the lady still standing there.

pimp: ahhhh...i know why..
the pimp walks over to the lady...kneeled down and waves at her pussy..

A bunch of flies flew away....

[milford]

Gilbert: Val, do u know why Boobs are called "boobs"
Me: hahhaa! Tell me why?
Gilbert: ok, its all a matter of views...(smiles)
Me: oh! LOL.. go on...
Gilbert: ok the "B" is the top view for the girls when they look down...
The "oo" is the front view for whoever wanna look at it..
And the last "b" is the side view!!

[bigbirdbird]

10 ways you know you've had good sex....

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.

3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.

5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

6 You've both gone down one clothing size.

7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.

8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

9. Boy, are you hungry!

10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

[bigbirdbird]

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a casino when he met up with a striking but quite small and slim young woman. They got on famously and ended up in bed. She told him she was a jockey and that, if he came to the races at Randwick that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.

In race 2, she rode out rubbing both her breasts. The bloke looked through the race book and found "Two Abreast" on which he placed $100 at 5 to 1. It won by 2 lengths. "Shit, this is great he thought. In race 4, she rode out rubbing her fingers around her eyes. He put the lot on "Eyeliner" at 10 to 1 and was 5 grand in front.

In the last race she came out standing in the stirrups and rubbing her crotch. He backed nothing. After the races he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 & 4. "What about "Itchy Mickey" in the last at 66-1?" she asked. "Shit, he said, "I thought you were telling me the cunt was scratched".

[bigbirdbird]

A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up.

The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check-up. So the doctor asked her, "Where shall I put the thermometer?"

The girl replied, "...uh ...not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it."

"Okay...let's try your armpit." the doctor suggested.

"Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried.

"Okay then," so he put the thing in the girls butt.

Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "that's not my butt, Doc!"

The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the thermometer, either."

[bigbirdbird]

10 Things Men Know

1. Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.

2. Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.

3. Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

4. Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.

5. Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

6. Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.

7. Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

8. Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get pissed off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

9. Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.

10. Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

[someguy]

Three guys were driving in the desert when their car broke down. Deciding to take their chances, they each decide to take an item to help them reach the nearest town.

The first guy said: "I will take this bottle of water so that it can keep me hydrated till we can find help."

The second guy said: "I will take this raincoat so that it can shade me from the scorching sun."

The third guy said: "I will take the car door so that when I feel too hot, I can wind down the window and let the wind blow..."

Guess who didn't make it?

[someguy]

2 friends, A and B were talking about switching careers when A said that he wanted to be a lion tamer in the zoo.

A: I want to be a lion tamer.
B: But you know nothing about lion taming.

A: Easy. All I got to do is to shield myself with the chair while keeping away from the lion.
B: If the lion breaks the chair, what would you do?

A: Easy. I will just use the whip to corner the lion.
B: If the lion snatches the whip away, what would you do?

A: Easy. I will just throw some shit that is in the cage at the lion while I
escape.
B: What if you can't find shit in the cage, what would you do?

A: Trust me, if the lion breaks the chair and snatches my whip, there WILL be shit in the cage.

[someguy]

A guy went to a bar and ordered a beer. He drinks the beer and starts peeing all over the place. The bartender, not too happy, starts berating him until he saw the guy crying.

Bartender: Why are you crying?
Man: I have this problem where I will start peeing everywhere after I drink beer and it affects me emotionally and mentally and the only way to get my mind off it is to drink. I don't know what to do.
Bartender: Don't worry. I will introduce you to my brother who is a psychotherapist. He will help you.
Man: Thanks.

A few months later, the man returns to the bar. The bartender, recognizing him, asks him how he is. The man replies that he is cured. Happy for him, the bartender treats him to a beer. As soon as the man finishes the beer, he starts peeing all over the counter again.

Bartender: DAMMIT!!! I thought you said you were cured?!?
Man: Yes. It doesn't affect me emotionally or mentally any more...

[bigbirdbird]

A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor.

She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down.

He gets out his light and says, "Open wide".

"I can't," replies the blonde, "this chair's got arms."


***********


A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, he alked over to her, placed his hand up er skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. ou look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.

"That's funny," he muttered, "You even sound exactly like her."

[bigbirdbird]

A bachelor has no belly because when he opens a fridge he says:

"Fuck it, the same again!" and then goes to the bed.

Married man has belly because when he comes to the bed he says:

"Fuck it, the same again!" and then goes and opens the fridge.



************




10 Reasons Why Sex Is Better Than School

1. Everybody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for virgins and only because they haven't had sex yet.

2. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc..., school just sucks.

3. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel like smoking something a whole lot stronger.

4. You get disciplined during sex only if you want to.

5. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people to drink.

6. Sex relieves stress, school is the cause of stress.

7. Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex.

8. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.

9. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.

10. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At school your teachers screw you regardless

[bigbirdbird]

A husband and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."