Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Oooh~La~La]

A young man went to a lake for a swim but when he got there, he realised he had forgotten his swimming trunks.

Since there was nobody about, he decided to jump in naked. An hour later, he climbed out and was just about to get dressed when he saw two old ladies approaching.

He hastily grabbed a small bucket, held it over his privates and breathed a huge sigh of relief. But when the old ladies started to stare at hi, he felt decidedly awkward.

One said to him: "You know, I have a special gift. I can read minds. And I bet I can read yours."

The young man scoffed: "So you reckon you know what I'm thinking, do you?"

"Yes," she said. "Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom."

[Oooh~La~La]

Talking Reading Dog Course


A teenaged boy went off to university, but about a third of the way through the semester, he had foolishly squandered the money his parents had given him. Desperate to get more money out of his father, he came up with a cunning plan.

Phoning home one weekend, he said: "Dad, you won't believe the educational opportunities that are available at this university! Why, they've even got a course here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"That's incredible!" said the gullible father. "How do I enrol him on the course?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000, and I'll make sure he gets on the course."

So the father sent the dog and $1,000, but about two-thirds of the way through the semester, that money had also run out. The boy called his father again.

"How's Fido doing?" asked the father.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking brilliantly. But you just won't believe this, they've had such a great results with the talking dogs course that they're starting up a new one to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read?" echoed his father. "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him on that course?"

"Just send $2,500. I'll get him on the course."

His father duly sent the money, but at the end of the semester, the boy was faced with a problem: how to conceal from his father the fact that the dog could neither talk nor read. So the boy decided to take drastic action and shot the dog. When he arrived home, his father was waiting expectantly.

"Where's Fido?" asked the father. "I just can't wait to hear him talk or listen to him reading something."

"Dad," said the boy solemnly, "I've got some bad news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then suddenly he turned to me and asked: "So, is your Dad still messing around with that little blonde at number 44?"

The father's face turned red with rage and he shouted: "I hope you shot that lying dog!"

"I sure did, Dad."

"That's my boy!"

[Oooh~La~La]

You Know You've Been At College Too Long When


You consider McDonald's to be "real food".

You actually enjoy doing laundry at home.

Two miles is not too far to walk to a party.

You know the pizza delivery boy by name.

You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark.

You live for getting mail.

Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime.

It feels weird to take a shower without shoes on.

You start thinking and sounding like your roommate.

Whole wars have taken place in the outside world without you noticing.

You wear the same socks three days in a row and think nothing of it.

Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed.

Looking out the window is a form of entertainment.

Prank phone calls become funny again.

[Oooh~La~La]

Throw The Dog A Leetle


The tramp was sitting with his back to a hedge by the wayside, munching at some scraps wrapped in a newspaper. A lady, out walking with her pet Pomeranian, strolled past. The little dog ran to the tramp, and tried to muzzle the food. The tramp smiled expansively on the lady.

"Shall I throw the leetle dog a bit, mum?" he asked.

The lady was gratified by this appearance of kindly interest in her pet, and murmured an assent. The tramp caught the dog by the nape of the neck and tossed it over the hedge, remarking:

"And if he comes back, mum, I might throw him a bit more."

[Oooh~La~La]

The Dead Dog


An eminent statesman was being driven rapidly by his chauffeur, when the car struck and killed a dog that leaped in front of it. At the statesman's order, the chauffeur stopped the car, and the great man got out and hurried back to where a woman was standing by the remains.

The dead dog's mistress was deeply grieved, and more deeply angered. As the statesman attempted to address her placatingly, she turned on him wrathfully, and told him just what she thought, which was considerable and by no means agreeable. When, at last, she paused for breath, the culprit tried again to soothe her, saying:

"Madam, I shall be glad to replace your dog."

The woman drew herself up haughtily, looked the statesman up and down, then hissed:

"Well, I guess you'll do!"

[Oooh~La~La]

He Killed Your Dog


A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

[Oooh~La~La]

The Lazy Dog


While the train was waiting on a side track down in Georgia, one of the passengers walked over to a cabin near the track, in front of which sat a cracker dog, howling. The passenger asked a native why the dog was howling.

"Hookworm," said the native. "He's lazy."

"But," said the stranger, "I was not aware that the hookworm is painful."

"'Taint," responded the garrulous native.

"Why, then," the stranger queried, "should the dog howl?"

"Lazy."

"But why does laziness make him howl?"

"Wal," said the Georgian, "that blame fool dawg is sittin' on a sand-bur, an' he's too tarnation lazy to get off, so he jes' sets thar an' howls 'cause it hurts."

[Oooh~La~La]

The Singing Puppy


A talent scout walking down the street noticed an accordionist with a singing puppy. The scout immediately saw the potential of such an act and took them to his office to sign them up. "I'll have you playing Vegas within a month," he promised.

But just as they were about to put pen to paper, a big dog marched into the office, picked up the puppy by the scruff of its neck and ran off with it.

"My act! You've stolen my act!" yelled the talent scout. "What can we do?"

"Nothing," said the accordionist. "You see, that was his mother. She doesn't want him to be an entertainer - she wants him to be a doctor."

[Oooh~La~La]

The Bird Dog


An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Amazed by his discovery, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try and break the news to a friend of his, an eternal pessimist who steadfastly refused to be impressed by anything. In the hope that even he would be impressed by a dog that walked on water, he was invited to join the hunter and his dog on a trip into the country. However, the hunter refrained from mentioning the dog's special talent - he wanted his pessimistic friend to see for himself.

The two men and the dog made their way to a good hunting lake and as they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew overhead. The men fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water, but, instead of sinking, it walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than its paws wet. This continued throughout the day. Each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, observing everything, but did not say a single word. Then on the drive home, the hunter finally asked his friend: "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"Sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

[Oooh~La~La]

The Dog at the Butcher Shop


A woman watched a dog go into a butcher's shop.

"What is it today?" asked the butcher. "Pork?"

The dog shook its head.

"Beef?" suggested the butcher.

The dog shook its head.

"Lamb chops?" tried the butcher.

The dog wagged its tail excitedly.

The butcher wrapped up two lamb chops, gave them to the dog and the dog trotted out. The same thing happened the following day and the woman was so intrigued that she decided to follow the dog out of the shop. She saw the dog walk up the steps to a house, stand on his hind legs and ring the doorbell with his nose. A man answered the door and immediately started shouting angrily at the dog.

The woman was incensed. "You should be ashamed of yourself," she told the man. "That is the cleverest dog I've ever seen. He goes to the butcher's, fetches your dinner, brings it home and rings the doorbell. And you treat him like that!"

"That's as maybe," said the man, "but it's the fourth time this week that he's forgotten his key."

[Fuxconn]

One day a man and a woman were having sex and a bee flew up the womans pussy.

The man took the woman to the hospital.

The doctor said he was going to put some honey on the tip of his penis and lure the bee out.

The doctor begins to lure the bee out, and soon realises it's not working, so he begins thrusting his penis into this woman.

The man appears shocked and says "Doctor, what the hell do you think your doing".

The doctor replies "I couldn't lure it out, so I'm going to drown the bastard"

[Fuxconn]

One day a guy noticed that he had a red ring around his penis.

So he goes to the doctor and he gives the guy some cream and says, "If it doesn't work come back again tomorrow".

The guy went back to the doctor and said "The cream you gave me didn't work"!

So the doctor gave him a different cream and said "If that doesn't work come back again tomorrow".

So the next day the guy cam back and said "This stuff you gave doesn't work either".

So the doctor gave him some more cream and said "If the red ring is still there come back tomorrow".

The next day the guy came back and said "The cream you gave me worked what was it?"

So the doc. said "Nothing special... It was just lip-stick remover".

[Fuxconn]

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

[Fuxconn]

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played

golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted, The End.

[Fuxconn]

10 things in golf that sound dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again.