Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[pittpitt]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

[bigbirdbird]

Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV.

When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"

***********


A sheep farmer made his monthly journey into town to buy supplies.

While loading up his pickup, he spotted one of the girls who worked at the bordello watching him.

"Say, honey," he asked, "what's the going rate these days?"

"Hundred bucks," she replied.

"If every man raised sheep, we wouldn't need you women," he exclaimed with disgust.

"Yeah," she said, "and if vibrators could cut the grass, we wouldn't need you men, either."

[bigbirdbird]

These three guys are sitting at a bar arguing which one has the
ugliest wife. The conversation begins to get heated to the point
of the barkeeper telling them to get the hell out or shut up! In
fact he says, "Why don't you settle it once and for all and just
visit each others houses and decide for yourselves..."

Damn Good idea they agree, so they finish their drinks and make
off for the first guys house. Upon arriving he bangs on his door
and the wife answers, she's not pretty and he turns to collect
the bet from the other two.

Not so fast says the second, I got that beat. And off they go to
his house... He bangs on the door and his wife comes to answer.
As the door opens all three step back in fright, she's damn ugly.
He asks to collect the bet but the third guy says, "Sorry I've
got you both beat.

They go to his house and walk right in, there's no sign of anyone
around. He stomps his foot on the trap door in the floor and they
hear this voice say,

"Is that you honey?"

"Yeah it's me," he says.

"Do you want me to come out?" she asks

"Yes please," he says.

"Should I put the bag on my head?" she asks.

He says, "No. I don't want to screw you, I just want to show you
off!"

[bigbirdbird]

"Hi, I'm Vanessa, and I'm $20," she said. Much to his dismay the salesman had only $18, which he promptly offered. "Vanessa does not lower her standards for anyone," she said. "I'll send up Angela."

A few minutes later a beautiful white woman appeared, took his money and treated him to a wonderful evening of sucking and fucking.

Twenty-five years later, while on vacation, the salesman found himself in the same bar, talking to the same bartender. "Bet you don't remember me," he said.

"Sure I do," replied the bartender. "You're the guy that knocked up Angela 25 years ago. That's your son at the end of the bar. He's been in every night for ten years, hoping to meet his daddy.

The salesman went over to the boy and said, "Son, I think I may be your daddy."

The boy said, "Great! What is my last name?"

"Bardowski," the salesman said.

"Oh, no," said the boy, "you mean that I waited ten years to find out that I'm Polish?"

"Hey, kid," the salesman said, "it could've been worse. Two dollars more and you'da been black too!"

[bigbirdbird]

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.

After a few drinks, they went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."

"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart, and close your eyes," said the midget.

The woman obliged, and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes, the woman had eight orgasms.

"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "just wait until I get BOTH legs in there!"

[bigbirdbird]

An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up to leave until the theater was ready to close for the night.

"You folks must've enjoyed the show," the usher said.

"Disgusting," said the old lady.

"It was revolting," her husband added.

"Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks.

"We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," the old lady replied. "We couldn't find my panties, and his teeth were in them!

[WeiYan]

a good thread indeed for relaxing.

[bigbirdbird]

A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper.

The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of
the cab.

Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?"

"Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver.

"Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.

"Yep, when I saw your flashing light, I knew I was gonna get fucked."

[bigbirdbird]

TEN WAYS TO TREAT A PENIS

1.) You've gotta "introduce" yourself to Willy Wonderful, i.e., "Hi! I'm Shirley! Nice to meet ya, big guy !". Don't dive on it likes it's a raw Piece of meat and you're a starving pitbull! Be gentle. Stroke him nice and easy. Make friends first.

2.) When (Not "IF" ) giving oral sex, don't suck so hard that you make an industrial vacuum cleaner appear as a dust buster and suck the man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis is a sensitive "guy" ya know. Be gentle Contrary to your practicing techniques in high school, the one who "Melts" the popsicle first is not the winner.

3.) When sitting on top of a man, don't move too far forward or back. Up and down is fine. What you're gonna do if you do move too far forward and back is rip Mr. Penis right off Mr. Man's crotch. Mr. Penis isn't made for that action. And, VERY Important. When going up and down, if you should go up a little too high and Mr. Penis pops out, you are not a basketball net, and Willy Wonderful is not a golf ball ... your aim is not that good, and Your100 Lbs, and this little Newton thingy called gravity will seriously injure Mr. Penis.

4.) Hand jobs - When stroking a guy's Dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms, and remember friction is the problem ... lubrication, the cure.

5.) Proper care of the love Tool - like any good tool you wanna keep around for a while you've gotta take good care of it just as you do your dildo or your car. Wash him off after and dry him gently. Oil him frequently, and have him park in the garage as often as you can. Never bend, fold spindle or mutilate. You'll get years of use out of him that way.

6.) If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he's just being coy or stupid. That's where you have to use step #1 again. If no response, then you sure gave him a good workout the first time. Good for you!

7.) Never, ever play "crush the grapes" with Mr. Penis's two friends, Mr. Balls. Nothing can make Mr. Penis shrink faster. Not even ice or a nude Pic of Janet Reno and the Queen Mother playing chess at the Naturalist beach last July.

8.) If you're a golfer, never use Mr. Penis as a tee.

9.) If Mr. Penis can't "throw up" then his owner worked too hard on pleasing you. Be thankful. If Mr. Penis spits too soon, be proud that you had that effect on him ... not everyone can have that effect on him.

10.) If you don't want Mr. Penis so deep, don't say, "Shit! Not that deep! What are you doing ... drilling for oil??" Say, "Wow you're much bigger Than I thought. Could you take it a little easier on me?"

And never never say "Is it in?

[bigbirdbird]

A man has been shipwrecked on a desert island for ten years. Then one day he is down at the shoreline when he spots a ship on the horizon. He frantically waves his arms and jumps up and down shouting, until he spies a rowboat being let down into the water from the ship. About ten minutes later the rowboat reaches the shore carrying a man in a captain's uniform.

"Thank Christ for that!" says our shipwrecked hero, "I thought I was never going to be rescued."

"How long have you been here?" asks the Captain.

"Ten years, ten long years," replies the man.

"Ten years?" says the Captain. "How have you coped all that time on your own?"

"Well, I'm quite a resourceful fellow, I've built my own house; there it is, over there, Number 1!"

"But ten years!" says the Captain, "ten years without sex!"

"Ahhhh, well... that's not quite true," says the man shyly.

"What do you mean?" inquires the Captain.

"Well, about six months ago I was down here on the shore washing my feet, when I noticed an ostrich up the beach with it's head buried in the sand and it's ass facing me. Well, I thought it's been nine and a half years, so I crept up behind it and WALLOP!"

"Oh God, that must have been disgusting!" cries the genuinely shocked Captain.

"Well, it was alright for the first five miles, but then we got out of step."

[bigbirdbird]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at
work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend
when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the
driveway.

"Oh My God! Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover,
"and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from
beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she
replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The
rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps
out the window! As he began running down the street in the
pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the
middle of the town's annual marathon. So he started running along
beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his
clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he
could. It wasn't that effective!

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been
studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh, yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully
free having the air blow over all your skin while you're
running."

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes!" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can
get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to
go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried.
"Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Only when it's raining," he replied.

[WeiYan]

everyone here,thanks for sharing

[bigbirdbird]

A waiter was working one night, when a beautiful Blonde was seated in his section. He went over to take her order, and saw that she was crying.

"What's wrong, miss? Are you ok?" he asked.

Wiping tears from her eyes, she looked up at him and said, "My boyfriend just dumped me, and today is my birthday. Nice gift, isn't it?"

The waiter talked with her a few moments, and was able to get her to stop crying. He kept a close eye on her, and when she had finished her meal, he went into the kitchen, cut a large slice from the best cake on the menu, and stuck a candle in it. He lit the candle, and brought it to her table. She looked very happy, and he was glad. He said, "Make a wish and blow!"

She closed her eyes, and made her wish. Then she came up to the waiter, got down on her knees, unzipped his pants, pulled out his cock, and started sucking on it. He had no idea why she was doing this, but she was really into it, sucking away, and playing with his balls. He knew that he should stop her-they didn't even know each others names-but hey, when you've got a hot blonde sucking on your cock, like you're really going to say, no don't suck it.

He stood there, enjoying every moment, and when she made him cum, he exploded inside her mouth, and she swallowed every drop of his huge, hot load. She looked up at him with a smile, and said, "Did you like it?"

He said, "Yes, of course, you suck cock great... but I'm just wondering why you suddenly started sucking my cock??"

She looked confused. "Well, I was just doing what you told me to."

Now he's confused. "What I told you to?"

Smiling, she says, "Don't tell me you forgot already... You said, 'Make a wish and blow!'"

[bigbirdbird]

Supposedly I was created in god's image. I don't know...

you'd think god would have a bigger penis than this.


***************

A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained.

"I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."

The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"

[bigbirdbird]

A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.

The doctor says, "I know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?"

The girl thought and then asked, "Doc, if you ate a can of Baked Beans, would you know which bean made you FART?"


************


A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London.

He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.

He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"

She says, "It's me lower mouth."

He says, "What do you mean, your 'lower mouth'?"

She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a mustache...it's got lips..."

He says, "Has it got a tongue in it?"

She says, "Not always."