Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please."

A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."


***********


A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head "no."

A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"

"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"

[bigbirdbird]

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my balls."

[bigbirdbird]

A MAN'S ANSWERS TO EVERY QUESTION A WOMAN EVER ASKS



1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?


It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.


2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?


Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.


3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?


We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.


4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?


We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.


5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?


You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.


6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?


Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.


7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?


Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.


8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?


Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.


9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?


Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.


10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"


Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.


11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?


Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.


12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?


We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.


13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?


Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.


14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?


This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.


15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?


It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?

[bigbirdbird]

A man on a construction site thirty floors up had to go to the bathroom. He approached his foreman and told him that he was going down to use the restroom. The foreman told him he was crazy; by the time he got down and back up, he'd lose a half hour.

The foreman pushed a plank out over the edge of the building. He stood on one end and told the guy to go out on the other end and pee. He said, "Damn, Chuck, we're thirty floors up! Piss'll turn to vapor before it hits the ground!"

What could he do? It was his foreman, after all. So the guy gingerly heads out on the plank.

Suddenly the foreman's cell phone rang. Not even thinking, he jumped off the board to get it, sending the peeing man to his death!

At the inquest, an electrician who was working on the twenty-seventh floor was asked what he'd witnessed regarding the accident.

"I'm not really sure. I think it had something to do with sex."

The coroner said, "Sex? Why do you think that?

The electrician replied, "I saw the man falling with his dick in his hand, screaming, "Where'd that cocksucker go?"

[Foggiares]

good thread with good jokes

[Funzio]

Nice jokes.... I needed these stress relievers. TQ.

[bigbirdbird]

A young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is given some word of advise and warning by her mother; "Look darling, they all want the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him;

1.) kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel,

2.) or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter, and

3.) never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a "GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it."

The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mom waits and waits until just after midnight when she's back. "How was it?" asks mom.

"Oh mom, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!"

"Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?"

"Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful not to hurt or harm me!"

"What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?"

"Not exactly mom, see it was like that.

First he wanted to kiss me and I told him what you said, and he stopped.

Then he went to touch my breast and again I told him what you said, and he stopped.

Then he slowly went under my skirt close to the private part, and I told him what you said, and he then took his hands out and said; "What a coincidence, I happen
to have a nice piece of "Fillet" and would love to put it in your "Grill" to cook!!""

"WHAT?!?" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no different to the others. You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?"

"Well, not really mom. You see, he promised to be careful and was very careful not to "burn" his fillet. Every now and then he took it out and had me "taste it" to see if it was cooked or not."

[bigbirdbird]

A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic examination.

She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into the exam room.

Doctor instructs her to get up onto the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

As he is examining her she hears him saying "mmmm... mmmhmmm".

He completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him in his office when she is done.

In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his non-verbal comments.

"Oh, that" he says." I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice."

The young woman proudly smiled and replied, "Why thank you! I have a woman come in twice a week and clean it!"

[bigbirdbird]

After having a very pleasant 69 with his girlfriend, Joe remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid the Dentist would notice the smell of pussy on his breath, so he brushed his teeth, used dental floss, and also used a whole 4-oz. bottle of Listerine.

As he arrived at the Dentist's office, he also ate a whole packet of strong mint Tic-Tacs.

His turn came up and the Dentist told him to take a seat in the chair. Feeling confident and relaxed, he opened his mouth wide. The Dentist got close and asked, "So, you had a 69 before you came here, eh?"

Joe asked, exasperated, "How did you know? Does my breath still smell like pussy?"

The dentist replied, "No... you have a skidmark on your forehead."

[bigbirdbird]

Pick up lines

1. If you and I were squirrels,could I bust a nut in your hole?

2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

3. If it's true that we are what we eat,I could be you by morning!

4. How do you like your eggs: poached,scrambled,or fertilized?

5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

6. You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.

7. My love for you is like diarrhea,I just can't hold it in.

8. Roses are red.Violets are blue.I like spaghetti.Let's go fuck.

9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

10.If your right leg was Thanksgiving,and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?

11. You remind me of a championship bass,I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

12. Your parents must! be retarded,because you are special.

13. Could I touch your belly button.....from the inside?

14. I'm not too good at algebra,but doesn't U+I = 69?

15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

16. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"

17. I'm new in town,could I have directions to your house.

18. Fuck me if I'm wrong,but is your name Yolanda?

19. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

20. You might not be the best looking girl here,but beauty is only a light switch away.

21. Hey baby,what's your sign? Caution,slippery when wet,dangerous curves ahead,yield?

22. I can't find my puppy,can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.

23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.

24. Your body's name must be Visa,because it's everywhere I want to be.

25. Can I buy you a drink,or do you just want the money?

26. I may not be the best looking guy here,but I'm the only one talking to you.

27. That shirt looks very becoming on you,but if I were on you,I'd be coming too.

28. I'd like to screw your brains out,but it appears that someone beat me to it.

29. Oh, I'm sorry,I thought that was a braille name tag

[bigbirdbird]

A concerned patient asked the doctor if masturbation is harmful.

"Not usually," answered the doctor. "Not unless you do it too often."

"How about three times a day?" the patient asked.

"That seems a little excessive. Why don't you get a girlfriend?"

"Oh,... I already have a girlfriend," the patient replied.

"I mean a girl you can live with and have sex with?" asked the doctor.

The patient said, "I've got one just like that!"

So the doctor asked, "Then why do you masturbate three times a day?"

"Because,... she won't have sex during mealtimes!"

[4DnToto]

Thanks so much for sharing. Hehehe fun jokes.

[michael_368]

Originally Posted by 4DnToto

Thanks so much for sharing. Hehehe fun jokes.

Tks ya, up you back.

[Fuxconn]

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?

He's all right now.


How do you get holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.


How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?

She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."


What do prisoners use to call each other?

Cell phones.


What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A stick.


What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.


What is a zebra?

26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.


What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal hermometer?

The taste.


Where do you get virgin wool from?

Ugly sheep.


Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers.

[Foggiares]

very nice thread.
just like the thread's title, if having a bad day,come here and relax a bit after reading all the jokes shared.