Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[West Lake]

ohn was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

[MrBin]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,
"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

[MrBin]

An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old man... "Costs too much!"

[FieryBall]

Retail Jokes
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

~ ~ ~

Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front of the store.

~ ~ ~

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"


She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"


~ ~ ~

I was manning the register at a busy Italian restaurant when a customer came up with his check, totaling $14.92. "That's when Columbus discovered America," he commented.

"You don't really believe that, do you?" I responded. "I mean, the Native Americans were here long before he showed up."


We continued in this vein for several minutes. Meanwhile, a line had begun to form. After my customer left, the next patron came up to my counter and impatiently asked me what was going on. "Oh, we were talking about hisorical events," I said.


"Well, then," said the irritated customer, "can you tell me what happened the year I started waiting in line?"


~ ~ ~

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the check-out counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"


The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother, he's four. We saw on TV that if you used these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."


~ ~ ~

This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide. The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for.
He answered, "I want to kill my wife."
"I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide."
The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife. The pharmacist blushes and replies, "I am sorry Sir, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

~ ~ ~

The druggist approached the customer who had just lit a cigar. "Excuse me," he said, "but you can't smoke in here."
The irate customer puffed a stream of smoke from the side of his mouth. "Like hell I can't!! I just bought the damn thing here!"
"Big deal," replied the druggist. "We sell condoms here too."

~ ~ ~

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she couldn't complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt.
As luck would have it, they matched.

[FieryBall]

Hard Retail Work

Frank was the manager of an upscale men's wear store in a wealthy
section of town and was interviewing Larry for the recently advertised
salesman role.

Frank looked at Larry's resume and noticed that Larry had never worked
in retail before.

Frank mused, "for someone with no retail experience, you are certainly
asking for a high salary."

"Well I suppose I am," Larry replied, "but you must understand that the
work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing."

[FieryBall]

Cleaning Day

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says,
"we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife
needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling
stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day
off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

[FieryBall]

Deer Crossing

A crew of highway maintenance workers was sent to repair some road signs
that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put
back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.

As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one crew member
looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway.

Turning to a co-worker he said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to
cross?"

[FieryBall]

Noise Abatement

"Flight 234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for
noise abatement."

"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise
can we make up here?"

"Sir," the air control operator replied, "have you ever heard the noise
a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"

[FieryBall]

You’ve Got Mail
A man was sitting on his porch one afternoon when he noticed that his neighbor, a blonde, went out to her mailbox, opened it, and returned to her home empty handed.About five minutes later, he saw the blonde again. She checked the mailbox and once again, returned to her house empty handed.She did this two more times before the man decided to ask her about it. “Why do you keep coming out to your mailbox every five minutes?” the man asked.”Because,” replied the blonde, “my computer keeps telling me that I’ve got mail!”

[FieryBall]

Second Notice
A taxpayer received a strongly worded “second notice” that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector’s office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.”Oh,” confided the collector with a smile, “we don’t send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective.”

[FieryBall]

A Mental Hospital
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer’s file and called him into his office.”Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you’re ready to go home. I’m only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck.”"Oh, he didn’t kill himself,” Mr. Haroldson replied. “I hung him up to dry.”

[MrBin]

The clerk asked me, “Cash, check or charge?” after ringing up my purchase.

As I fumbled through my wallet, she noticed a remote control for a television set in my purse.

“Do you always carry your TV remote?” she asked.

“No,” I replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him!”

[MrBin]

Little Johnny used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn’t know what Little Johnny’s problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him.

They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Little Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and Little Johnny would always take the nickel — they said, because it was bigger.

One day after Little Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, “Little Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel just because it’s bigger”

Slowly, Little Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and he said, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far I’ve saved $20…!”

[MrBin]

Two Mexican panhandlers were on opposite corners at a busy intersection, holding their signs and putting money in their bags as the passing motorists handed it over.

When the day was over, they got together and compared their respective takes. The first one show the other a bag of one dollar bills. The second Mexican showed his amigo a bag full of ten dollar bills.

The one with the tens said, "Why did you just get dollar bills? Let me see your sign." It read: Homeless, Broke, Hungry. Please help. God bless. "Let me see your sign," said the first one. It read: I just need $10 more dollars to get back to Mexico.

[MrBin]

Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father "Dad,what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."

The father thought some and said, "Okay, son . The best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. "Lets say that I'm capitalism because I'm the bread winner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Johnny was awaken by his brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So,he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up.

Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. Because he couldn't do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."

"Excellent, my boy," he answered. "What have you learned?" Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, "

I learned that Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep ignoring the People, and the Future's full of sh*t."