Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

The family all got together recently, and were just hanging around at Mom and Dad's.
My sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she then read aloud;

"Did you know that a woman's breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?"

My brother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back, "So, how come yours don't?"
My father, from behind his newspaper and without even a pause, replied, "You're not pumping hard enough."

[bigbirdbird]

A salesman was testifying in his divorce trial against his wife.

"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused
you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So
naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."

"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of heavy
love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the
wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the
week ends?'"

[dingdong11]

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!

[dingdong11]

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer.

"Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

[dingdong11]

A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.

"I reckon so," replied the farmer.

The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface.

As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"

"Well, golly!" said the farmer, scratching his head.

"It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"

[dingdong11]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick
as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

[dingdong11]

After raising 4 kids, and losing one husband, Beth decided to return to college and get the degree she had started, but never finished. And so, on her first day of college, eager with anticipation, and more than a little nervous, she took a front row seat in her first class in over 40 years, a literature course.

The professor told the class they would be responsible for reading five books over th
e course of the semester, and that he would provide them with a list of authors from which they could choose.

He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book, and began "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."

Beth was working feverishly to get down all the names, when she felt a tap on my shoulder.

The student behind her whispered, "Slow down! He's just taking attendance!"

[dingdong11]

At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late night campus party.

Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at parties.

"Oh, I have a 3.8, so I'm much more attracted to the strong academic types than to dumb party animals," she said. "What's your G.P.A.?"

Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 25 in the city and
40 on the highway."

[dingdong11]

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.

Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was helping.

His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed, and then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"

[dingdong11]

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.

But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely, The CAT

[dingdong11]

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand and asked,

"To draw out all his savings?"

[soundlab]

Skiing

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

[soundlab]

The Parrot

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy decides that maybe he’d like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, “Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?”
“I was born this way,” says the parrot. “I’m a defective parrot.”
“Ha, ha,” the guy laughs. “It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me.”
“I understand every word,” says the parrot. “I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird.”
“Yeah?” the guy asks. “Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?”
“Well,” the parrot says, “this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.”
“Wow,” says the guy, “you really can understand and answer; can’t you?”
“Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion.”
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. “I can’t afford that.”
“Pssst,” the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. “Nobody wants me because I don’t have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer.”
The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He’s funny; he’s interesting; he’s a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, “Pssst,” and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not,” says the parrot, “but it’s about your lover and the mailman.”
“What?” asks the guy.
“Well,” the parrot says, “when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of panties that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth.”
“What happened then?” asks the guy.
“Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting her all over,” reports the parrot.
“My God!” the guy says. “Then what?”
“Then he pulled down the panties, got down on his knees and began to lick her, starting with her chest, slowly going down and down.” The parrot pauses for a long time…
“What happened? What happened?” says the frantic guy.
“That’s what pisses me off. I don’t know.” said the parrot. “I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch.”

[StillLearning]

Originally Posted by dingdong11

After raising 4 kids, and losing one husband, Beth decided to return to college and get the degree she had started, but never finished. And so, on her first day of college, eager with anticipation, and more than a little nervous, she took a front row seat in her first class in over 40 years, a literature course.

The professor told the class they would be responsible for reading five books over th
e course of the semester, and that he would provide them with a list of authors from which they could choose.

He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book, and began "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."

Beth was working feverishly to get down all the names, when she felt a tap on my shoulder.

The student behind her whispered, "Slow down! He's just taking attendance!"

It should read [ when she felt a tap on her shoulder ]

[DO_YOU_BJ]