Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[vietnam80]

An American couple on vacation with some friends in Mexico were
shopping at the market to bring back a few souvenirs to their family
and friends. Time passed, and the couple realized that neither of them
was wearing a watch. They noticed this little Mexican man taking a
siesta next to this mule, which had the largest set of mule nuts they
had ever seen.
Trying not to stare at the huge mule nuts, they asked the little
Mexican man, "Excuse us, but could you tell us what time it is?"
The little Mexican man reached his hand under the enormous set of mule
nuts and, lifting them high, said, "It's 3 o'clock."
Amazed by this, the American couple went off to find their friends and
tell them the amazing story. "This little Mexican man over there can
tell time by lifting his mule's balls!"
Curious and amazed, the friends wanted to see this first-hand, so they
went back and asked the little Mexican man what time it was.
Sure enough, the little Mexican man reached out again, cupped his
hands under the mule's nuts, lifted them up as if to weigh them, and
said, "It is 3:15."
The friends checked the time on their watches, and sure enough, the
little man was correct.
Blown away by this, the American couple finally asked, "It is just
amazing...how do you do that?"
"Do what?" the Mexican asked.
"Tell the time by lifting your mule's balls!"
"Ah...." said the Mexican. "I just need to lift his balls so I can see
that big clock across the street."

[vietnam80]

There were three guys hitchiking along the roads of a plain, boring
field because their car overheated from the long drive. Exhausted,
hungry, and thirsty from the long walk, they were desperately willing
to stay over anywhere. Fortunately, they saw about a mile ahead of
them a cow ranch, filled with hundreds of cows. They decided to stay
there for the night. So they looked for the main office to ask the
ranch owner if they could stay for the night. However, the ranch owner
left for the day and no one was there. Too tired from their journey,
they decided rather to sleep with the cows than walk forever. They
each slept under a cow.
One guy said, "I'm hungry and thirsty, what will we eat and drink?"
Another guy suggested to drink the milk from the cow since they were
lying beneath the milk sac. So they began to suck and drink.
The first guy said, "My cow's milk is so good, I finished it all and
now I'm full."
The second guy said, "My cow's milk is so good, I finished it all and
now I'm full."
The third guy said, "My cow's milk doesn't taste quite right."
The first and second guy then said to the third guy, "Well, try
another nipple, that one probably has no more milk."
The third guy in a confused state exclaimed, "But how come my cow has
only one, long, nipple!?"

[vietnam80]

A mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by her son's house after he was
recently married. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to
see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" the mother-in-law asked.
"I am waiting for my husband to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law replied.
"Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law replied.
"Love dress? You are naked!" said the mother-in-law.
"But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy,
and he makes me happy. I would appreciate your leaving now because my
husband will be home any minute."
Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the
way home, she thought about the "love dress" and got an idea. She
undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door
for her husband to come home.
Finally, the pickup truck pulled into the driveway, and she took her
place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door and immediately
saw his wife naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," the mother-in-law replied.
"Maybe you should iron it first," he said.

[vietnam80]

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic
church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a
few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent
for the weekend.
"However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you
to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree,
and run off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the
priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest
asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated
movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies,
"You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."
The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly
under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says,
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what
happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street
in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it."
The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are
forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By
this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?"
She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street."
The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before
responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She
leaves.
The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her
cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so darn
funny?"
The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."

[bigbirdbird]

A middle class gentleman decided one week before Halloween to have a Party on Halloween night. The theme of the party was that you must Have a costume that represents an emotion. The word spread quickly, And since anybody was welcome, it was sure to be a big party.

On the night of the party, the house was filled with people, a brown Costume for the shitty mood, a multicolored costume for premenstrual Syndrome, and many others both interesting as well as funny.

The man continuously received knocks on the door, and always let the Person in, regardless of their taste in costume. Once again, a knock Rapped on his door, and he opened it. A beautiful woman stepped in, Wearing a red dress with ruffled sleeves. "You look beautiful tonight Miss, what is your emotion?," the man asked.

"I'm red with anger.," said the woman.

The man smiled and let her in to join the others in the party. FiveR>Minutes later another knock on the door came, and he opened it, to have Another beautiful woman in a green dress step in. "What are you supposed To be, my pretty?," the man asked.

"I'm green,...green with envy.," said the woman.

"Quite clever!" said the man. He stepped aside to allow her to enter.

Two minutes later, another tapping on the door came. He opened it, and In front of him stood a 6'6", naked, smelly, hairy man. On the end of His erected penis stood a pear.

"I hears you got yourself a party.," said the stranger.

"That is correct,...," said the man, trying to keep his cool. "What are You supposed to be?"

"The naked stranger looked down on the man and, in a booming voice, Replied, "I'm fucking despair!"

[bigbirdbird]

During the wedding reception in the family's southern mansion, the bride's Granddaddy slipped her five $100 bills and told her that it was for her and to keep it for "mad money, so she stuffed them in her gloves

By family tradition, the couple spent their first night together in their historic plantation house.

Later that night, after all the guests had left, the bride's Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs , and asked where she was going.

"I left my gloves in the library, Grand-MaMa, and it's important that I have them."

"Oh you youngsters!" the Grandmother sighed. "You march yourself right back upstairs and grab hold of that damm thing with your bare hands just like I did your Grandfather's."

[bigbirdbird]

During a recent survey, women were asked...

"What would you do if you woke up and had a penis?"

Here are their actual responses...

"I would walk around and prod my husband all night long with it, whatever he is doing I'll be there prodding him with it."

"I would write my name in the snow."

"I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk and say: 'Where is my raise?'"

"I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him and tell him to roll over and try something new."

"I would want a big one and show it off to everyone."

"I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed."

"I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing."

"I would measure it both ways."

"Pee off of a tall building."

"I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed."

"I would treat women better with it."

"I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day."

"Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything."

"Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it."

"I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot."

"Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best."

"Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around."

"See how many donuts I could carry with it."

"Check out my boyfriends gag reflexes!"

[bigbirdbird]

An American tourist was on a bus tour of Castilla that had a stop
at this old convent. The tour wasn't that interesting so he
managed to slip away and started wandering around by himself.

Feeling the urge to pee, he looked around for some privacy. He
hid behind a bush and took a leak on the wall of the chapel.

While he was doing his business, the Mother Superior came around
the corner and surprised him.

"OH! I am soooo sorry!" he said in embarrassment.

"It's OK," she replied. "Actually, I've never seen a man's... You
know. Could I take a closer look?"

A nun asking to see his unit freaked out the tourist but it was
kinda kinky in a way, so he figured, what the hell.

The nun looked at it for a bit and as he was about to put it away
she said,

"You know, I always wanted to touch one. Would you mind...?"

"This is really weird, but sure." The tourist was getting really
excited. Who else could say that a nun had tossed you off?

"Could you take it all out so that I can get a complete
experience?" the nun requested.

The tourist, sure that he was about to get laid, willingly took
down his pants.

The nun began fondling his testicles and suddenly straightened,
and said...

"Don't (SQUEEZE) piss (SQUEEZE) on the (SQUEEZE) church (SQUEEZE)
walls (SQUEEZE) again!!!!!!!!!!!"

[vietnam80]

Some asian jokes i found in site for sharing...Dun flame me if repost...ty ty

Once upon a time, there was a king who had a daughter of marriageable age. As he was very fond of his daughter and he didn't want her to leave him, he made an impossible offer to his kingdom's men. He announced that whoever has two pricks would be eligible to marry his daughter. The invitation spread far and wide. Of course there were no one who came forth, and the king was secretly pleased.

In another part of the kingdom, there were 2 woodcutter brothers, Jack & Jim. One day, they chanced upon a very big tree and decided to chop it down for it would fetch them a decent amount of money if sold as firewood.

As they were about to chop it down with their sharp axes, a voice cried out, "STOP! Please don't hurt me ! " The brothers were scared shitless when suddenly an apparition appeared from out of the tree. He told them that he was the genie of the tree and if they would to spare him, he would grant them a wish each.

Remembering the king's offer of his daughter as bride, the brothers each wished for a second prick. The genie said "Your wish is granted. Now... what you have wished for will fall down from the sky. You must catch it promptly with your hands and attach it to where you want it to be !"

Jack was the first one to receive his wish. As the prick was falling down from the sky, he swiftly caught it with his hands and attached it right next to where his own prick is.

Now, Jim was the clumsy one. As his second prick was hurling down , he missed and it landed right on his forehead !!!

Jack, being the cool one, told Jim that it was alright and they should proceed to the palace to seek the princess's hand in marriage. After all, the king did say 2 pricks. Jim, not wanting to expose what he had on his forehead, took a long piece of cloth and wound it round his head like a turban to hide it.

It was 2 days later when they reached the palace. The king was summoned and he asked Jack to show him his 2 pricks. Jack took off his pants and proudly showed it off to him. The king sighed in dismay and resignation and also called on Jim to show him his 2 pricks.

Embarrassed, Jim took off his pants and unwound his turban to reveal what's on his forehead. The king then yelled in disgust, "NI NA B EH ! YOU THIS TYPE OF LAN CHEOW BIN WANT TO MARRY MY DAUGHTER AH ???!!!???? "

And so the term "Lan Cheow Bin" was coined.

[vietnam80]

Sorry but only i assume only hokkien people can understand this joke...


There were four Buddhist monks who played instruments and chanted everyday.

One fine morning, a lady in a mini skirt went into the temple to pray. When the lady knelt down to pray, one of the chanting monks saw the lady tsao k'ng (i.e. exposing herself accidentally).


The monk was shocked to see that the woman was not wearing any panties! He felt he had to share this valuable insight with his fellow monks, but also did not wish to alert the lady.

So he began chanting the message: "Wu lang bo chin nai ko....(Someone's not wearing panties...)"

The monk beside him was playing a tambourine, and he thumped this response: "Ti-to-lok, ti-to-lok (Where? Where?)"

The third monk, playing a horn, replied: "Duuu... Duuu........(There! There!)"

Finally, the last and the most righteous monk, sounded his cymbals in disgust: "Ti ti kua... ti ti kua! (Still peeping! Still peeping!)"

[vietnam80]

One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe representative were of tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago. It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:

MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L"

Miss USA: Lamp

Miss Malaysia: Light bulb

Miss Singapore: LADIO

Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"

MC: I am going to give you 2 more chances; The next question is name me an animal starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA: Lion

Miss Malaysia: Leopard

Miss Singapore: LABBIT

Judge: No, no, no, Rabbit does not start with the letter "L"

MC: I am going to give you one last chance, if you answer this question incorrectly, you are disqualified.

Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA: Lemon

Miss Malaysia: Lychee

Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN !!

This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really disqualified; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having as many problems with the letter "L", the decided to give her another chance.

Judge: OK, the final question is name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA: Lung (applause)

Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)

Miss Singapore: LAN CIAO

Judge: ?????????!!!!

[vietnam80]

The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot use it effectively when communicating their intentions. Just compare these few common phrases that S'poreans and Britons use to say the same thing:

When all has been sold out...
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
S'poreans: No Stock!

Returning a Call...
Britons: Hello, this is John Travolta. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
S'poreans: Hello, who page? or Siang Ka Pager?

When someone is in the way...
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Singaporeans: Lai, siam! or Siam ji bi! or S'kius!(excuse)

When someone offers to pay...
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Singaporeans: No need.

When asking for permission...
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Singaporeans: (while pointing at door) Can or Not?

When asking to be excused...
Britons: If you would excuse me for a moment, I have to go to the gents/ladies. Please carry on without me, it would only take a moment.
Singaporeans: Le tan, Wa ke pang jio! (wait while I visit the washroom) or Wah, buay ta han, ai choot liao! (cannot stand it anymore, have to relief myself)

When entertaining...
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Singaporeans: Don't shy, leh!

When doubting someone...
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Singaporeans: Where got?

When declining an offer...
Britons: I'd prefer no to do that, if you don't mind.
Singaporeans: Dowan, lah. (don't want)

When deciding on a plan of action...
Britons: What do you propose we do now that the movie's sold out and all the restaurants are closed?
Singaporeans: Then how?

When disagreeing on a topic of discussion...
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said.
Singaporeans: Le siow, ah? (are you crazy?)

When asking someone to lower their voice...
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Singaporeans: Mai kao beh, kao bu!

When asking someone if he/she knows you...
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?
Singaporeans: Kua si mi? (What are you looking at)

At the sports arena...
Briton: I say old chap, this really isn't cricket. The umpire's really hard on him today.
S'porean: Leflea (referee) KAYU!

When asking girls...
Briton: Would you go out with me?
S'porean: Ai gia steady mai? (Be my girlfriend)

[vietnam80]

Surinder's uncle was booked into an SIA flight to Bombay. But as this was his first time in an airplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place. When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, the uncle declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't charge me for food and drinks!"

So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began spreading out his own home-cooked meal. The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher, who was curious about the food. "Excuse me, what is that drink?" he asked.

The uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, "Milk of India!"

The the uncle took out several pieces of chapattis and started feasting. "And what is that dish?" asked the curious American.

"Wheat of India!" replied the uncle proudly.

Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the American.

"What is it?" asked the American.

"Sweet of India!" replied the old man.

After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud "Pooooooooot!" from the uncle.

"What was that?" asked the American in disgust.

The old man replied coolly, "That's Air India!"

[vietnam80]

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A"

Professor: "Hmmmm, all right. So what's the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer.

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

[vietnam80]

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few hits. After awhile the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, "hat's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey you!"

So the koala looked down at him and said, "Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude... How much water did you drink?"