husband leaving me, please advise

[hehfun]

hi,
For a long relationship to work, please consider the following:

Love (Feeling )
Understanding (Support)
Communication (Sharing)
Trust (Loyalty)

Grade the above one by one, see if you like the result.


From what you have written.

1. Love
Does he still loves you ?

[6 months ago, he finally told me he doesnt feel the same anymore..
He has been sleeping with a colleague for almost a year now...]


2. Understanding
Do you understand what he is thinking/feeling and support what he
does.

[He said they were compatible as they have the same character. ..]

3.Communication
Do you guys talk to each other much and sharing what happen during
the day / work area / rumour / news/..etc

[I have tried to talk to him about the cold treatment but he denied problems. Just told me not to think too much....]


4.Trust
Is there any trust between you two.

[He started his cold treatment towards me for almost 18 months...
He finally came clean today. He has been sleeping with a colleague for almost a year now...]


If you decide to stay together..
-------------------------------
1. Could he look you in the eye the same as before.(if he is feeling guilty)

2. Could you look him in the the eye and forgive him everyday.

3. Wow..my wife forgive me, if i have another affair..
I can just do the crying and the 'its my fault' thing again ,
to make her forgive me again....

4. I forgive him, cos its my fault that my husband an affair.


What you have to endure if you stay together
---------------------------------------
You have to look beyond what he has done to you, because you

have to live with it.
When you sleep beside him, will you think about his affair.

Do you think you can never ever mentioned the affair in his face, in the future.



I would suggest you move on with your life.
(if the wife is having an affair for a year,
you think the husband will forgive her)

cos you also mentioned..
[ I am not an unattractive woman. I jog and work out regularly and have been accosted by men in the gym. ]


just my cents of opinion, wish you the best..
**btway, Human nature do not change

[Arilus]

Hi, i tink you should focus back to the main problem, and that is he cheated on you...for nearly a year...i noe as much as u love him, but i still do think that it is wrong for you to beg a person who did wrong to you, no matter what circumstances...stand on your own ground and show him dat you are not weak..Theres no reason to persuade or beg a person becuz like you said, he dun love you anymore..and when sumbody dun love you anymore, no matter what you do, wun change his mind...all i can say is, as hard as it may seem to be..try to move on and hope dat one day he will regret leaving you...and its not your fault at all that all this happened...its him and his uncontrollable desire to bed other woman when he is in fact a husband and a father...why pull yourself down when it is not becuz of your own undoing? stay strong, lady, and u may just end up with a better human being..

[kpkprivate]

Decision is yours.

1) Play cool "let" him move out
1a) Show you can be indepent w/o him.
1b) Let him "think" when he is ALONE. Things that he is missing NOW that he had been taking for granted for years.

2) Protect your child's interest at all cost.(IF which your planning to D him. get the maintanence for your kid. Raising 1 is not easy. By NOT asking for maintence for yourself shows that you care the kid over yourself in which he WILL or might not PRICK his conscience.)

All in all, any decision you make will be a gamble.
Dont let these unhappiness event kills you.
You have a child to focus on.

Think and act rationally.

[LeMoN]

Originally Posted by adviseme

Do skip my post if you are not interested but please do not flame me. I am just a desperate woman with nowhere to turn to.

What should I do?

I am really sorry that this post is so long. So sorry but I really need advice.

The following is a short story i got from my good friend many years ago, somewhere in 2001. I have kept it in my hard drive all these years to serve as a reminder. Hope you can learn something from it too.
========

On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.

This was the scene ten years ago.

The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid; I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affection between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school. Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.

Dew came into my life. It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I bought for her.

Dew said, you are the kind of man who best draws girls' eyeballs. Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we were just married, my wife said, Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls. Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife. But I couldn't help doing so. I moved Dew's hands aside and said, "you go to select some furniture, O.K.?

I've got something to do in the company". Obviously she was unhappy, because I had promised to do it together with her. At the moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me.

However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt. Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner.

I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew's body. This was the means of my entertainment.

One day I said to her in a slightly joking way, suppose we divorce, what will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently, she believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I couldn't imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious. When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking to her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes. Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we can live together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.

When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I've got something to tell you, I said. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the serious topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I'm serious. I avoided her question. This so-called answer made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could not take back what I had said.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer. Late that night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I fall asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.

She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but I was supposed to give her one month's time before divorce, and in the month's time we must live as normal a life as possible. Her reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn't want him to see our marriage was broken.

She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day? This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, I remember. You carried me in your arms, she continued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning.

I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage romantically. I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, Let us start from today, don't tell our son. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for a bus, I drove to the office.

[LeMoN]

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.

On the third day, she whispered to me, the outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vague.

On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me of something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger. I didn't tell Dew about this. I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now. She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head.

Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it's time to carry mum out. He said. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. She said, actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old.

I held her tightly and said, both you and I didn't notice that our life lacked intimacy. I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won't divorce. I'm serious.

She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. You got no fever. She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I can only say sorry to you, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of life, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you. Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.

When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until we are old.

========

From this story, u can understand from a men's perspective why he strayed. Over d years, relationship becomes stagnant and couples drift apart. In d workplace, he may find someone who he sees & interacts with everyday & will take fancy in her.

Ask yourself if you can forgive him for his unfaithfulness. If you can, then you should try every means possible to work things out. Spend more time together, do things dat u both did during courtship/dating. Don't give up, be creative like wat d wife in d story did. You can forward this story to your hubby if u think it can help.

However, alas if things doesn't work out well in d end, it isn't d end of d world. Be strong, live well. I have quite a handful of female friends who are divorced with kids and are still leading a very meaningful life.

All d best to you and hope u come thru this crisis.

[blackwhack]

it's probably easy to tell you to divorce him, but divorce can be a really messy affair esp when you have kids. once loving and kind husbands can turn into the most horrific enemy you can find. are you prepared for a long drawn battle on custody, and care and control issues, with a heavy hit on finances? and worst - the psychological impact on your child? i would advise you to consider divorce only as a last resort.

i would suggest you sit him down and talk. ask him if divorce is really what he wants, and if he really gave it a lot of thought. is he in love with his colleague? is she willing to walk out on her marriage and possibly her children to be with him? your child is young and almost school-going age, but your child is not too young to know that things are not right. divorce will be a major disruptive influence on him. give marriage counselling a shot.

in the meantime, you will still have to prepare for the inevitable. no matter how sweet and kind your husband is or was, he may turn into a cunning and scheming person who is bent on getting as much access to your child and pay as little maintenance as possible. i would suggest collecting documentary proof on how much you contributed to the household and taking care of your child in terms of money and effort. even small things like supporting evidence from kindagarten teachers, school bus drivers, swimming coaches, neighbours, etc., that you are the primary caregiver may come in very useful. you may also need to collect proof of his infidelity, ie. engaging PI, if you want to file on grounds of adultery.

there's more but i think i won't say it here.

good luck sis! i hope your marriage can be saved.

[corny123]

Hi there adviseme,

I'm deeply saddened by your encounter, h/ever it is similar to my mum's experience.. i remembered about 8 years ago, my father is seldom home, like 2 weeks once, and one day my dad and mom had a very huge quarell, which made my mum ran away from home, leaving my 2 sister and myself crying in our rooms. We searched high and low for our mum, and after 2 days, she came back home and talked to us.

H/ever my mum refused to give up on my dad, and yes, he did mention to my mum that everything isn't the same, he has no feelings and he has a woman outside though he does not wish to marry her. My mum perservered and up till now, i noticed the change in my dad.. he's always home, will bring us out for dinner, and celebrates their wedding anniversary which he did not previously. He would bring my mum out to a discreet place which all of us, their children wouldn't know, and be back the next day.

I believe if you perservere and show that you can be strong, a loving wife to your husband, your husband will be moved and it will rekindled his love for you. Even if right now you don't have your husband's love, you still have your son's, like how i love my mum. Probably it is because the three of us shows our love to our mum, that she can perservere. Your son may be 5 years old and doesn't know anything at all, but you can talk to your son. He may not reply, but at least you talked it out and not leave it all inside.

I may be 21 and have no personal experience to share, but i hope my mum's experience will shed some light in your situation. If only my mum can speak to you and have a woman's heart to heart talk..sigh..

[Medusa]

most of the time..when a woman decides to marry a man...she already view this marriage as a lifelong affair...unless she really had no choice...she would actually hang on to her marriage for as long as she can hoping the man she loved would realise she still love him and come back home...

its human to err...but will you folks wake up from all the error? this is what matter most...im sure too if TS has given up hope for her hubby...she wouldnt be here posting to ask for advice...with all her questions..its clear that she wants her hubby back...like what we always hear from the older folks..寧教人打子。。莫教人分離。。perhaps we should not view TS things from our point of view but instead put ourself in her shoes...how are we going to savage this marriage if this happen to us

TS, advice can be given to you from any people..but you will still be the one deciding...i always believe that in this kinda of relationship stuffs...no amount of advice or answer from onlookers will get into your head if you choose to follow what you believe...unless you decided to "wake up" yourself...

i hope you can hold on to what you have decided and not get sway by others..but pls do remember to "wake up" if you know this is not leading you anywhere...all the best to you...希望有朝一日您真的會 “守得雲開見月明”

[adviseme]

hello everybody

i have posted at least 3 replies but do not see them published. a bit puzzling.

the latest update is: the other woman's husband has found out about the affair. seems very likely that she will divorce him and give him full custody of her son to be with my husband. understandably, my husband wants out fast. however, he has agreed to honour his words and stay put for this period cos i am going through some work pressure and doubt i can handle so much at one go. i honestly dont know how long i am going to take. it isnt fair to my husband but i need the time to speak to counsellor, lawyer and get a grip on the situation. too many things have happended over the this weekend and i am not sure if i am still sane.

as for my son. i know for a fact that he looks forward to having a complete family everyday. husband comes home late (about 9pm, in time for quality time and family prayer before lights off) and i can see the difference in his behaviour. when daddy is home, he will be more animated and happier and he idolises his father. i see his attachment for his dad growing each day and he will ask for his father all the time. in fact when my husband hugged me on staurday night after our "arrangement talk", my son joined in and we had a group hug. the fact that i am losing this fight to keep the family together is tearing my heart. i suspect my son has figured as much that something is wrong. he has asked me why i was unhappy, is it because of daddy? when i asked him why he thought so, he said it was because every time you talk to daddy, you cry. my heart ached for him. being only 5, he tries hard to cheer me up whenever i seem depressed by making me cards and writing me i-love-you notes. but what can i offer him in return now?

i am trying not to indulge in my own feeling of self pity and helplessness. life has to go on. i still have to get back to work and its own problem in another 6 hours' time. i feel helpless because i came from a small family and do not have many close friends. not comfortable to confide such stuffs openly cause i have always prided myself on having a happy family.

it seems husband is determined to go. it is painful, very painful, but what choice do i have now?

so i have to be strong and tomorrow i shall try to make an appointment to see a counsellor myself. i think it is important that i talk to someone, cry it out loud and hopefully get directed to what to do. i am so totally unprepared for this. have also to see the doctor to get some sleeping pills cos these restless nights are killing me. i know i should sleep but the helplessness of my situation keeps me awake.

i am still hoping against hope that my husband will realise the hurt he has caused and will be causing us. i still do not believe that love comes and goes. all marriages go through this stage where routine sets in and we take each other for granted. if we are committed to weather this period through together, and work on it together, we dont have to go down this dreadful path. i am truly broken and disheartened by my husband's determination to follow his notion of love and compatibility (he said he love me and we were compatible when we first met) with no regard to what we have shared and what he is causing. hard to believe but it is true, i have been the best possible wife to him but i guess it is just not enough.

so do pray for me, please. for strength and for wisdom.

and most of all, please pray for my son. he has done nothing wrong.

[adviseme]

hi medusa.

despite all the hurt of knowing he lied, how he was enjoying himself with another woman while i spend endless evenings sitting with our son like a widow, believing that he has to work... i still love him. i guess i am still the traditional woman who, like what you mentioned, marries for life. as his family, i will take him back even after this affair cos i believe a marriage is for life, especially so when a child is at stake here.

but the problem now is, he wont come back. period.

[adviseme]

hello corny123

in a way i am envious of your mom. her efforts bore fruits.

my husband seems determined to go. i guess i need to have the grace to accept his decision and move on. all these seem so surreal. i am not prepared for it and not sure what to do next.

i wish i were in his position, looking forward to a happier future. now my future seems bleak and i have to make it otherwise, for my son's sake.

i wish your mom would talk to me too... cos till now i dare not beak the news to mine. she wont be able to take it.

i feel real alone in this pain. that is why i know i need to see a counsellor quick before this snowballs into something else.

thanks again

[adviseme]

hello lemon

i remember this story and i also recall another one about a chinese property couple where the husband strayed and upon earthquake, protected his cash register while his wife covered him with her own body.

i wish my husband would read these but i know he wont. i cant recall how it started but he doesnt have time or make effort to read long stuffs (other than when they relate to sports or IT gadgets).

i wish there was some way i could do to change his mind, or even open his eyes to see what he is doing to me and his son. but there is only so much i can do. eventually one can only try so hard and when it is still not enough, i guess i will have to let go.

it has been a painful struggle. i am still in shock and denial.

[adviseme]

Dear Spanner

praise the Lord for intervening in your marriage. glory be to God. May He bless your marriage richly and guide you and your wife through your lives together.

I sure can do with some divine intervention now. I have fasted and prayed for 3 days months ago when he was cold towards me. I started fasting and praying again after his confession on Saturday morning. I am waiting for the Lord to help me, in His time. It is painful but I will wait upon Him.

I wish i could give my marriage another go now but it is out of my hands.

I beg you, please pray for me and my son. For He is the only one that can help me now.

[vin69m]

If u know how 2 spell, read n e meaning of e word LOVE, its nothing, every body does. But wen u do really love someone, there is nothing in tis world 2 stop u from making all kind of excuse 2 b wif him. In my case I am married wif my wife 4 18 years, we love each other. One fine day I found out she was having an affair, I was so shock n my mind turn blank. I could not hold back n call tat guy wif my X wife present. I told him if u do love my wife more then me, U can hav her, but we hav 2 meet up (3 of us) n U tell me infont of my face. He chicken out n my X was so sad. She though tat he do loves her. The end story is LOVE is greater then any thing in tis planet, U will do anything bcause off it. 4 one thing I learn, tat in life u hav 2 sacrifice 2 b happy. No matter how much I love her still, wen a person is change there is no return. Unless something tregic happens n learning tat bitter lesson in life, only then I belive tat person is remoseful. I am still waiting 4 tat day n its oridi 4 yrs now. U hav 2 b strong if u really wan back tat relationship. Gd luck 2 U n tread carefully............The day ur spouse is not dead n buried its not urs.

[sleepydog]

I am married 19 years and still love my wife dearly. Temptations? You bet, there have countless. After all I am rich and successful. But I have never been unfaithful, yet :-) I’ll tell you why.

My wife takes very good care of me; makes sure the chef (we have a local cook and a maid) cooks my favourite dishes, prepares me drinks when I am too tired to do it, takes priority with the kids, brings me home-cooked food to the office when I am too busy to come home to eat, makes sure her “free time” belongs to the family, and we do things together as family etc.. I would say the only “inadequacy” she has is not giving me enough sex.

So each time there is temptation, I would feel it wrong to “do it”. In fact, there was this one time with another woman in a hotel room…. I discovered, I was too guilty about it I couldn’t make myself stand!

Men will always be men.. Always seeking new thrills. After so many years of marriage, would you not think any man will not wonder what it is like to have sex with a woman other than his wife? I don’t know a woman’s psyche; but that is what goes on in my mind.

My wife is a career woman herself; rich and successful. So her care and attention to me is not because she is afraid I will stray. Well, maybe that might be one reason, but I think it is because she loves me dearly too.

There was also another time I thought I “fell in love” with this ex-colleague, having met her while out of town and after having a long, long chat at Starbucks till late. It revealed to me how human emotions can play one’s heart. Luckily she did not reciprocate in any romantic way. In fact she did something which annoyed me that this “love emotion” simply disappeared. That “process” lasted only 3 months. I myself was surprised how this false emotional “love” with another can be here one moment and disappear overnight.

So my advice is this: If you still love your husband, hang on. Do not separate or ask him to live somewhere else even for temporary. Dote on him; ALL MEN like that. Be more intimate. Forgive his sins because, like I said, men always like to screw beauties. Whatever you do, do not have an affair yourself (as revenge or to get back at him). Men, DO NOT like that. Hopefully, he will “wake up” soon from this false love. Good luck.