Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

John & Marsha were having marital difficulties, neither being able to satisfy the other sexually.

One day Marsha visited her friend Dorothy, who was quite a woman of the world, and casually mentioned the problem.

"It's not the first time I've heard of it," said Dorothy. "You can go to all the doctors in the world and they can't help you. But there is a remedy."

For God's sake, Dorothy, tell me what it is!" exclaimed Marsha.

She said, "Well, since you insist, and against my better judgment, I will tell you. The only remedy is for John to eat it."

"Oh, no!" exclaimed Marsha, "He would never do that!"

Dorothy shrugged. "There you have it -- take it or leave it. You asked and I told you."

Driving home, Marsha prepared an unusually fine supper for John that night. When he returned from work he enjoyed it mightily, but wondered a bit about the reason for it.

"That was a great meal," he said. "Anything unusual happen today? Enjoy your visit with Dorothy?"

Marsha told John of Dorothy's suggestion.

"Absolutely not!" he exploded.

"I won't engage in such disgusting practices."

But Marsha urged and begged until finally John gave in.

"OK," he said. "I guess it won't hurt to try it once."

Marsha went up and got into bed, pulling the covers up to her neck.

When John arrived he surveyed the scene and tried to decide how to proceed.

Finally he raised the covers at the foot of the bed and crawled under them.

Groping around until he located his target, with much hesitation, he undertook his task.

No sooner than he started, Marsha broke wind explosively.

Under the covers, a muffled voice was heard to say.... "Thank God for that breath of fresh air."

[Sloggi]

Panda Dinner Etiquette

A Panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders a meal and eats it.
After politely paying for his meal, he pulls out a gun and shoots it in the air. He immediately walks out the door.
"Why did you do that?" hollered the confused waitress.
Looking back over his shoulder the panda says "I'm a panda". "Look it up in the dictionary."
The waitress locates the dictionary on her bosses desk and searches for the definition of panda bear. Finding it she reads,
"Panda Bear - A large black and white bear like mammal native to the far east. Eats shoots and leaves."

[Sloggi]

Night of Drinking

A man and his pet panda walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking.
They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other.
Finally, the bartender says: "Last call."
So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my panda."
The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the panda falls over dead.
The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.
The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."
To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a panda."

[Sloggi]

Front Seat

A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a miniature panda in the front seat.
"What are you doing with that panda?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo."
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the panda again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over.
"I thought you were going to take that panda to the zoo!"
The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"

[Sloggi]

Two fraud men go up to 20 blind men and say "Do you want to go on holiday?"
The blind men reply "yeah of course"
So the blind men give the fraud men �2000 each.
The fraud men drive them up to blackpool and put them on the beach, and then go to the pub,
Whilst there they think that the blind men are going to get bored.
So they buy them a ball and give it to them.
The blind men go "Whats this?"
"Its a ball," replies one of the fraud men
"Well we cant see it!"
The fraud men think shit what we gonna do, they spot a donkey with bells round its neck so they go and buy sum bells and wrap them round the ball, and then go back the pub.
Just then an old woman walks in and says "I tell you what the world today its demented"
"Why?" ask the fraud men.
"Because theres 20 blind men kicking shit through a donkey on the beach!"

[Sloggi]

Two accountants go to their credit union on their lunch break, when armed robbers burst in.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.

While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand.

Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."

[Sloggi]

A sickly patient went her doctor's office where she underwent a complete physical exam.

The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."

The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."

"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.

"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

[Sloggi]

Yo mama so bald even a wig wouldn't help!

Yo mama so bald you can see whats on her mind

Yo mama so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed.

Yo mama's so bald her hair looks like stitches.

Yo mama's so bald she curls her hair with rice.

Yo momma is so bald and talented she can blow dry her hair answer yes to all your questions and give head at the same time

Yo mama's so bald, Mr. Clean got jealous.

Yo mama's so bald, that when she put on a sweater, folk thought she was a roll on deoderant!

Yo mama's so bald, when she braids her hair, it remind me of stitches.

Yo mama's so bald, when she goes to bed, her head slips off the pillow.
Yo momma so bald, you can play airhockey on her head.

yo mommas so bald, we thought the sun was rising when she got up

yo momma so bald that when its cloudy out at night you still see a full moon

Yo momma so bald, when she puts on a turtle neck she looks like a busted condom.


Yo mama's so bald, you could draw a line down the middle of her head and it would look like my ass.

Yo mama so bald, I can tell fortunes on her head.

Yo mama so bald, I thought she was Mr. Clean.

Yo mama is so bald she braids her mustache

[Sloggi]

A blonde was speeding in a 25 mile per hour residental zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over.

The female police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde.

She asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?'

Irritated, the blonde cop said, "Don't be a smartass!, it's got your picture on it!"

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom.

She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license", then handed it to the blonde policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."

[Sloggi]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her
purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to
the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[tailgunner]

Two delegates at a Family Seminar was having a discussion during tea-break :

1st man : My mother-in-law is an absolute angel.

2nd man : Lucky you. Mine's still alive.

[tailgunner]

A man was walking along the street in a housing estate when an used condom fell on his head. He marched up to the front door and pressed the door-bell repeatedly. The door was eventually opened by an old lady.

Lady : Yes? How can I help you?

Man : Who lives upstairs on the 2nd floor?

Lady : My daughter and my future son-in-law.

Man : Well, I just want to tell you that your future grandson had a very bad fall.

[bigbirdbird]

A little poem


A penis is a splendid thing; you ladies should be jealous.
An organ with such lovely skin, it's smooth and mostly hairless.
It starts to grow so quickly when a guy's about thirteen,
His testicles on either side, his willy in between.

It dangles neatly down below; It's softly warm and loyal.
But at the slightest hint of lust, it's ready to uncoil.
It seems to have a mind all of its own; it's like an untamed beast,
It squirms and writhes and stretches out, just when you 'spect it least.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves, erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off, and then I wish it wouldn't.
During summer, wearing little, sunning on the beach,
A glimpse of wobbly boobs or buns will make it squirm and reach.

But handle it with love and care, for it will give great pleasure.
I often check if it has grown -- now when did I last measure?
Some men will fret about their size: they give it lots of thought;
Is seven inches long enough? It makes them quite distraught.

They sneak a look in toilets, wondering what they'll see,
But if another glances back at them, There's no way they can pee!
Masturbating is a sin -- at least some folks believe.
That's just some old wives' tale, 'cause it really can relieve.

Without this super organ, no shag would be complete.
Lesbians can try their best, but must admit defeat.
It has some splendid functions, -I'm sure you will agree:
To start a-- whole new life, and more than that - to pee!

But what seems most amazing about my one-eyed flute,
Whatever it is doing, it knows which juice to shoot.
And better yet, it stays with one, until one's old and frail.
Don't whip it out in public, though, or you'll be thrown in jail!

[bigbirdbird]

he 3 tragedies in a man's life:
1- life sucks
2- job sucks
3- Wife does NOT!

The worst thing about being a test tube baby is that you KNOW your father is a wanker.


Two gay guys were dancing when one said to the other, "Why do you always get an erection when we dance together?"

The other replied, "Because you dance like an asshole!"


Two guys walking down the street see a male dog licking his tool. One guy looks at the other and says,"I wish I could do that."

The other replies,"You probably can, just pet him first to make sure he is friendly.

Q: What are the 2 most important holes of a women?

A: Her nostrils, so that she can breath while giving a blowjob.


Q: What are the advantages of having an affair with a married woman?.

A:They give like hell.They do not yell. They do not tell. They do not swell and there are no wedding bells!


Q: What are the two words every man does NOT want to hear after a blow job?

A: Kiss Me

[Sloggi]

"Government officials in California have started paying a $1 fine each time they use a word that is difficult for a taxpayer to understand. In a related story, Governor Schwarzenegger now owes $50,000."

"Yesterday in California Michael Jackson was found not guilty of all ten counts and, when he heard the verdict, even Michael said, 'That jury is crazy.'"

"Arnold Schwarzenegger was supposed to give a speech to California's voters but it was bumped so that the Michael Jackson verdict could be televised. Arnold was really upset and said 'If I can't speak to the voters, how are they supposed to not understand me?'"

"The latest rumor in Hollywood that actress Jennifer Garner is pregnant with Ben Affleck's baby. Which means Affleck has finally had a successful release."