Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

There once was a man who lived in New York whose name was Joe.

He had learned a trade from his father years ago, and he still practiced it, even in modern times.

His father taught him all of the in's and out's of how to suck a boil clean of all it's nasty puss and other ingredients, and he prospered at this occupation, advertising in the Yellow Pages, getting referal business, and word of mouth (Yuck!) advertising.

One day, Joe received a call from a woman who had heard of his talents.

She told Joe that she had a rather large boil that was festered, and needed it taken care of.

Joe assured her that it would be no problem, his standard fee was $50.00, and the deal seemed to be firm.

The woman gave directions to her house and set up a time for Joe to perform his work.

Upon arriving at the woman's house, he immediately started to work.

He told the woman to expose the boil, and he would take care of it post haste.

At this point, the woman told Joe that the boil was in extremely sensitive area of her body, about 1/4 inch below her vagina.

Joe told her, "No problem, that will be another $20.00".

She agreed, and then told Joe that there was another problem:

She was in the middle of the heaviest part of her period.

Joe told her, "No problem, that will be an additional $30.00".

Again, she agreed, so Joe started to practice his trade.

After about 10 minutes into sucking the boil dry, the woman couldn't help herself, and cut a tremendous fart.

Joe, his mouth dripping with puss, pulled away from his task and asked "What are you doing, trying to make me sick?"

[bigbirdbird]

There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.

The cucumber says "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad."

The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar."

The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up all over myself and pass out!"

[bigbirdbird]

There was a father and son who were always in competition with each other. One day the son left to take an entrance exam at a university. He wanted to major in medicine. A week later he returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps.

"How was the exam?" asked his father.

"They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and stuff. I got a score of 75%. It wasn't good enough to get accepted," the boy replied.

"Well in that case I better take that exam myself," the father said. So off to the university he went. A week later the father returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps.

"How was the exam?" asked his son.

"They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and I got them all wrong but one."

"Gee, Dad. Which question was that?"

"The question was...", started the father, "What do you do when you come across a lady which has fainted. You feel her pu_s_?"

"That's easy", the son replied. "The answer is pulse."

"Oh, hell," said the father," I got that one wrong as well."

[Fapatron]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

[bigbirdbird]

Belly, belly good!


A garbage collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.


He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out.

In the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.

There's no answer..

Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder. Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door.


"Harro!" says the Japanese man.


"G’day mate, where's ya’ bin?" asks the collector.


"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.


Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.


"No mate, where's ya’ dust bin?"


"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.


"Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean, where's ya’ wheelie bin?'"


"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"

[bigbirdbird]

This guy wants to have a luau. He needs a pig for the luau, so he goes to a pig farm. He asks the farmer for a twenty- pound pig.

The farmer goes into the pen, searches around awhile. He picks up a pig, puts the tail in his mouth, and begins swinging the pig around for a few seconds. He puts the pig down, and says, "Nope, not quite twenty pounds." He picks up another, puts the tail in his mouth, swings the pig around awhile, and declares, "This one's twenty pounds!"

He brings the pig out, and the man says in a shocked tone, "You can't weigh a pig like that!"

"Sure I can," said the farmer, "Watch this."

He called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The boy came over, picked up the pig, put its tail in his mouth, and swung it around awhile. He put the pig down and said, "This one weighs twenty pounds."

The man still looked perplexed, so the farmer told the boy to get his mother so that she could weigh the pig. After five minutes, the boy returned alone.




"She can't come out just yet," the boy said... "She's weighing the milkman."

[bigbirdbird]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. You are a disrespectful pig! she cried. How dare you do this to me a faithful wife the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened. Fine go ahead she sobbed but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began Well I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin not well dressed and very dirty She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So in my compassion I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few yrs but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.

The husband took a quick breath and continued She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said Please Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

[bigbirdbird]

Cathy and I went to the Mardi Gras festivals to New Orleans for our 35th Anniversary. They had a nice room in a hotel just outside of Bourbon Street. I couldn't sleep and decided to take a walk at 1 a.m. the first night there.

As I was cruising down Bourbon Street, I saw a skimpily dressed woman on a balcony above me. "Would you like to sleep with me for $100," she called down to me.

I told her, "Making love at my age is always a real effort. But, I could sure use the money."

[welcomemdc2]

Nude Beach
Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got !"

[welcomemdc2]

Car Salesmen
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, this economy sucks. If I don’t sell more cars this month, I’m going to lose my fucking ass!" Too late, he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language. "That’s okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem. If I don’t sell more ass this month, I’m going to lose my fucking car!"

[welcomemdc2]

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

[welcomemdc2]

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

[welcomemdc2]

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

[W1ck3dSecret]

A gd place here to steal laughter when my day is screaming bored. Thanks all for the contributions.

[bigbirdbird]

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.

She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.

"Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.