Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[TGIFriday]

An airplane was once making a routine flight from Hackensack, New Jersey to New York City. The people on board where the world's smartest politician, the pilot (also a father), a Boy Scout, and a devout Christian. In mid-flight, the engine stalled, and there where only three parachutes. The pilot said, " I've got a family down there. I need to live so I can take care of them" so he grabbed a parachute and jumped out. The world's smartest politician said, I've got an election coming up, so I'd better live so I can win it." So he grabbed a parachute and jumped out. That left the Boy Scout and the Christian in the plane and only 1 parachute. The Christian said, "I have lived a long life. I am prepared for. Go and grab that parachute for yourself." The Boy Scout got his parachute and was about to jump when he said, "Hey, there is one for you too. The world’s smartest politician grabbed my backpack

[TGIFriday]

Ranking 1 Bad 2 Not That Bad 3 Pretty Good 4 Good 5 Very Funny

It seems there was an agreement between two of the top power nations at the height of the arms race which grew out of their concern of global annihilation. Both sides agreed on a final end-all battle which would be one gigantic mean dogfight. Each would get five years to prepare their top animals. The first one, the Ugonauts, took the biggest, meanest Rottweiler and Doberman females and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian Wolves money could buy. Then they selected only the biggest, meanest pups of the litter to rebreed, year after year. It finally came to the big day. The Hugonauts had to drag their entry in with huge heavy ropes, and no one could get near the cage. The Argonauts toted in the craziest crate -- it was low to the ground and eight feet long. When they opened it, people gasped! Out waddled the funniest looking eight feet long wiener dog anyone had ever seen. People felt sorry for the Argonauts, and the Hugos snickered in disbelief. The heavy door to the Hugo's terror was slowly pulled open and out jumped the most hideous monster of a dog there'd ever been, snarling and growling. Just as the monster pounced at the neck of the wiener dog to take him out, the wiener dog opened its mouth and swallowed the Hugo's dog whole! Everyone was in total disbelief! The Hugos said they just couldn't understand it! They'd spent years and years perfecting this animal, how could this be? The Argo's glibly replied, "That's nothing. We spent hundreds of thousands of dollars for the top plastic surgeons in the world to come here and make this alligator look like a wiener dog!" (Just goes to show ya, things aren't always what they look like!)

[TGIFriday]

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
-- J. Danforth Quayle
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-- J. Danforth Quayle
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89

[TGIFriday]

Top 10 signs your presidential candidate is under-qualified
10. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.
9. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing."
8. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy."
7. Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.
6. Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut.
5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?"
4. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?!?"
3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.
2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"
….. and the Number 1 Sign Your Presidential Candidate Is Under-Qualified..
1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINE.

[bigbirdbird]

A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland.
When the man tells her that it will cost her $300, she exclaims, “I don't have any money.
I'll do anything to get a message to my mother!"
To that the man asks, "Anything?"
And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!"
With that the man says, "Follow me."
He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."
She does this and then he says, "Get on your knees."
She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper."
She does. Then he says, "Go ahead, take it out."
With that, she takes it out and holds it with both hands.
And then the man says somewhat impatiently, "Well, go ahead!"
She then brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it very closely to her lips, she says, "Hello, Mom?

[bigbirdbird]

10 Things Men Know

1. Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.

2. Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.

3. Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

4. Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.

5. Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

6. Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.

7. Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

8. Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get pissed off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

9. Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.

10. Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

[bigbirdbird]

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely, "she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How the hell did you know my name was Katz?

[bigbirdbird]

A kitty and a rooster held a race.

They reached a stream.

The cat said to the rooster, "I'm not jumping that -- you KNOW cats hate getting wet!"

The rooster replied, "Don't be a chicken -- just back up and take a flying leap!"

The cat tried, and landed in the middle of the stream.

The rooster smiled contentedly. "What's so bloody funny?" asked the cat.

The rooster answered, "Well, NOTHING pleases a cock more'n seeing a wet pussy!!"

[bigbirdbird]

1
Q. How many gay men does it take to put in a light bulb?
A. Just one, but it takes an entire emergency room staff to get it out.
2

Why do men prefer blondes?

Men always like intellectual company.
3

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?

A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
4

Q: Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?

A: Because they like the part where the hooker gives the money back.
5

Q: Why do Jewish girls have gold diaphragms?

A: So they can tell their fathers that their boyfriends are cumming into money!
6Q: Why did the hillbilly cross the road?

A: His dick was stuck in a chicken.
7
Q. Why did the gay guy give his lover a blowjob after sex?

A. He wanted to have his cock and eat it too.

[bigbirdbird]

A huge man married a petite and innocent girl who was a virgin.

He was sexually experienced and suggested having sex "doggie style"
on their wedding night.

She didn't know what he was talking about and when he explained it,
She flew into a rage and insisted they have sex using the "normal"
Position or not at all.

However, after having sex he was unable to withdraw his penis
Because it was so big and she was so small.

They found themselves in the embarrassing position of having to call an ambulance to take them to the emergency room for help.



After hanging up the phone he said, "You know, if you had done it the
Way I wanted to we could have walked to the emergency room!

[soundlab]

Alien Sex

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stockmarket, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do,"responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull,his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, all I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

[soundlab]

Handjob joke

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"
The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

[soundlab]

This beautiful girl went to her doctor complaining about pain in all her joints.
The Doctor went through a whole series of tests and couldn’t find anything wrong with her.
After he had explained this to her he said: "There has to be something else, have you recently changed anything in your lifestyle"?
She said, "Well, the only thing I know of is that I started making love Doggie Style, could that be causing it"?
The Doctor said, "Maybe, why don’t you stop it and see if you improve"?
She said, "I can’t stop, that’s the only way my dog knows how to fuck".

[bigbirdbird]

A hillbilly gets married and on his wedding night he calls his father to get
Some tips on What to do, since he had never been with a woman before.

So he calls up his dad and asks him, "What do I do first?"

His dad says, "Take her clothes off and put her in bed. "

The hillbilly calls his dad 5 minutes later and says, "She's naked and in bed
What do I do now?"

His dad says, "Take your clothes off and get in bed."

He calls back 5 minutes later and says, "I'm naked and in bed with her
What do I do now?"

His dad's patience is now running out so he says, "Look son do I have
To spell everything out?

Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees!"

The hillbilly calls up 5 mins later and says, "OK Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do now?"

[bigbirdbird]

A guy walks into a pub to meet his mates for a beer.

They are amazed at how healthy he is looking. In particular he has fantastically good looking smooth skin on his face with a totally radiant glow.

"Jim you are looking fit and healthy. Started a new diet?"

"Nope," says Jim.

"So, you've joined a fitness club then?"

"Nope," says Jim.

"But your face looks so fresh and healthy. Let us in on the secret Jim. What are you doing?"

"I've got a new girl friend," says Jim.

"But how does that get you healthy looking smooth skin on your face?"

"Well" says Jim, "my new girl friend has got the hairiest pussy I've every seen. In fact she's like a wire brush down there!"

"So?" says the inquisitive friend.

"So, going down on her is the quickest way I know to exfoliate and moisturize your face at the same time!"