My attempt at sharing my experiences...

[pro.d.igy]

You did the right thing by breaking up with her and walking out of the room with your head held high.

[Underthetable]

Originally Posted by EnigmaofSorrow

And I think by the last post you guys can probably guess why there haven't been any updates for quite awhile...

Bro no matter what i'll always support you.

[LowProfiler]

Bro, how's things with Shirley? You must have been keeping tabs on her, no? Or are you giving up on her? It's good that you want to be a better person for Shirley, but most importantly, be a better man for yourself.. good luck!

[EnigmaofSorrow]

It's been a long time. Way too long.

Yes. I have been "stalking" Shirley, or rather, observing her actions from a distance whenever time permits, despite having to book out of camp, pay for a few hours parking, and book in by 2300hrs.

I have not reconciled with Diane. There's not much point to it is there? Her views and mine were too different. Being together and working out our differences may have worked, but in the long run, it would bring other problems.

Jenny broke up with her Christian boyfriend. She confided in me over an impromptu drinking session at the roof garden near her house. I could have gone back to being fuck buddies with her but I did not. I sensed that that was not what she wanted at the point in time. We are jus good friends now. I suppose there will be an occasional drunken fuck, but that's not my intention.

My health has sufferred from the consolidated stress arising from all the events that happened. I'm smoking a lot more, and let's not even talk about the drinking. I'm amazed that I have not crashed driving back to camp, or stopped by a roadblock, and that the camp guards actually let me in.

I'm a mess. Both mentally and physically. I failed my first IPPT for the workyear, and don't seem to be able to even get a silver in the next few months. I cannot run 5pm without feeling like an asthmatic without an inhaler. I don't even have the motivation to hit the gym and my muscle mass is slowly disappearing. My abs have been replaced by the beginnings of a beer belly.

But back to the story.

So I have been observing Shirley, usually from the corridor of the block opposite, downing a few cans of beer, and smoking more than a pack of cigarettes while I'm there. I change locations every now and then so as to not attract attention.

I have more or less confirmed that her new live-in boyfriend is a cop. I tailed him to the police division where he works and observed him coming out for patrol duties in plainsclothes. I'm assuming he's a sergeant, unless inspectors also do patrol duties.

Anyway, Shirley usually returns home from work around 8pm. She usually wears business suits, but recently, she started wearing dresses. Maybe she changed jobs. But more likely, she's pregnant.

If that is true, then I supposed I should congratulate her, and possibly wait for a wedding invite. But I guess that's out of the question.

Today is a rare day that I decided not to stalk her. Instead I'm headed off to Armani with some colleagues.

Maybe one day I'll know the truth. And hopefully that day will come soon so that my guilt will stop eating me up on the inside.

[f0otprint]

welcome back

[KallIan]

Bro, time heals all wounds. I know how it feels to watch someone from afar but you can't bring yourself to appear in front of her. If it doesn't kill you I'm sure you'll emerge stronger. Hope you'll get a grip of yourself soon cos we miss the old you and your stories.

[EnigmaofSorrow]

Originally Posted by KallIan

Bro, time heals all wounds. I know how it feels to watch someone from afar but you can't bring yourself to appear in front of her. If it doesn't kill you I'm sure you'll emerge stronger. Hope you'll get a grip of yourself soon cos we miss the old you and your stories.

Thanks bro. But I doubt there'll be any more stories unless something happens. If Shirley is really pregnant, there's nothing I can do about it.

[Etude]

Sad that TS has ended up in such a state.. Your life is so fucked up now from the looks of it. Quit smoking la TS and get your abs back. You think Shirley will even want to see you in such a state? From a guy idolized by his juniors in looks and other attributes back in the old days turned to a unfit, unhealthy mid 20's with a beer belly stalker? Wake up TS cuz you're straight up PATHETIC. But it's your life and you make your own choices. But TS, please, wake up la.

[Etude]

Look at yourself in the mirror and think about your past and your present. Only then you will understand.. If I'm not wrong life is meaningless to you right now.. But try to get your life back on the right track.. Smoking and drinking is just plain stupid. Remember, you dropped out of JC. what if the army kicks you out? You have no job, no paper qualifications and no roof over your head. And you're in your mid twenties.. Tell me how are you gonna survive TS? Please WAKE UP.. If you know what's good for you.

[EnigmaofSorrow]

Thanks for the concern bros. It's exactly the same thing Jenny told me. Do understand that change is not immediate. We'll see how things go.

[EnigmaofSorrow]

The past two weeks have been interesting to say the least.

Somehow I managed a Silver for my last IPPT. I still have no idea how it happened. I cut down on my drinking but not really on the smoking.

I spent an entire weekend with Jenny just chatting by the beach, having light drinks. No, we did not have sex. We just talked and talked.

Apparently her boyfriend dumped her after finding out about her history, and he could not accept, in his own words "a slut" for a girlfriend. I found it strange as I thought Christianity was about forgiveness and acceptance of a person despite his or her flaws. Jenny was upset, but not devastated. She realised that her past was probably not very desirable. She left the cell group in the end.

I tried my best to comfort her, but obviously, I wasn't doing too well myself. But I guess the honest outpouring of our feelings helped to ease the pain.

I wondered what caused me to enter a sexual relationship with her in the first place. It would be too easy to blame the alcohol and raging hormones. Jenny was a really nice girl, and I could really connect with her on more than a physical level. No doubt the sex was amazing, but there could have been so much more.

We left the beach after midnight and I drove her home. As I walked her to the lift and to her door, she suddenly turned to me.

J: Do you wanna stay over?

Thoughts of hot, wild sex throughout the night immediately entered my mind. I tried my best to resist.

Me: Why?

J: I feel. Alone.

Me: No one's home?

J: Usual weekend. Jason's with his girlfriend, parents in Genting.

Me: I suppose I could stay till you fall asleep.

J: Why not the whole night, and the whole day tomorrow?

Me: I don't want to do anything I will regret.

J: What haven't you done with me that you don't regret?

Me: I don't regret anything. I just don't want to hurt you. You've been hurt enough.

J: Come on. I'm not looking for sex or anything. I just don't want to be alone.

Me: Alright then. But let me move my car from the loading bay.

J: Drop by the 7-11 on your way back? Grab some beer or cocktails.

Me: You want to drink?

J: Why not?

Me: Erm. How about protection?

J: I don't use condoms with you anyway. But no. I don't think we'll end up having sex. Do you?

Me: There's still the sexual tension between us. I'm pretty sure about that.

J: Yeah. Up to you.

Me: I'll be back.

[EnigmaofSorrow]

I returned shortly after moving my car and getting booze from the 7-11. Jenny had taken the time to take a quick shower as she opened the door, dressed in only an oversized t-shirt, her shoulder length hair still dripping wet.

J: Damn. I forgot to ask you to grab some snacks. Wanted to watch a DVD.

Me: Oh. It's ok. Take these first. I'll go get some.

She looked into the bag.

J: No condoms?

I did not know if it was asked in jest.

Me: We don't use them anyway.

J: Yeah. Just wondering...

Me: I'll go grab the snacks. Any preference?

J: I want Ruffles!

Me: Flavour?

J: The cheese one.

Me: Ew.

J: You don't like?

Me: Not particularly...

J: Then get more. Didn't you guys get PB recently?

Me: I got very little. Didn't do much last year. Poor appraisal.

J: Is that how it works?

Me: I'll tell you more later. You want anything else?

J: More cigarettes would be good. And a vibrating cock ring?

Me: What?!

J: Kidding. Just kidding. Just get snacks and whatever stuff you need. Maybe a toothbrush?

Me: Huh?

J: You know. In case I wanna make out.

Me: You're hilarious.

J: Just go.

I left and returned a short while later with loads of snacks in almost every variety. Jenny opened the door. At least she was more decently dressed this time, in FBTs and a tank top.

J: That's a little too much.

I ignored her and settled down on the sofa, lighting a stick and opening a beer as I did. Jenny did the same.

Me: So what are we watching?

She ignored my question.

J: You know, you're one of the best guys I've ever been with. And it's not just the sex.

Me: Erm.

J: I always wondered why we never really ended up together.

I wondered where this was leading to.

J: But I guess we're great buddies. Right?

Me: Right.

J: You're still not over her?

Me: Yeah.

Jenny lay her head on my chest. I stroked her hair.

J: Why are we so unlucky?

Me: What do you mean?

J: Our relationships never seem to work out.

Me: I guess it's the way the world works. You can't win everything.

J: It hurts. A lot.

Me: I know.

She snuggled up closer to me, weeping silently. I fought back my own.

Me: We'll be fine. Eventually.

J: I hate men.

Me: Go for girls then. I don't mind watching.

She punched me.

J: Idiot.

I hugged her tighter. She returned the hug.

J: Thanks.

Me: So why didn't we end up together?

J: It's not me you want. I know it. You'll only just be a very good friend. Perhaps an occasional release for my sexual tension.

Me: And you're happy with that?

J: Yeah. You're still the best guy I've ever been with. I'll be happy anyway.

Me: You're weird.

J: I know. But I won't give this up for anything more. Just promise you'll be there for me whenever I need you.

Me: Well. If I'm single I suppose it wouldn't be a problem... What if I'm attached?

J: Just promise me please?

Me: I don't wanna make any promises I can't keep.

J: Why are you always so practical and stubborn?

She wriggles out from the hug, dug around for a paper and pen.

I wondered what she was up to.

She folded a paper crane and passed it to me.

J: Write your full name and NRIC on the wing.

Me: What?

J: Just do it.

I had no idea what she was trying to do but I complied.

She took the crane from me and wrote something on it. I wondered if she was voodooing me or something.

J: I've written my own name on it. If in 6 years both of us are unattached we'll get married.

Me: What?

J: Are you with me or not?

Me: Why 6 years?

J: I'll be 30 in 6 years. If I don't have kids by then, there's a chance that they won't be normal.

Me: Er.

J: What have you got to lose?

Me: Why don't I just impregnate you now?

J: I don't mind. But you would. 6 years is a long time. There's more than enough time for either of us to find someone.

Me: You realise this is a little childish?

J: Yeah. We'll probably have a good laugh about this later on.

Me: Yup.

J: But for now, just do it ok?

Me: Ok.

Jenny took the crane, flattened it and went back to her room. She came back and snuggled up to me again, beer in hand.

J: Thanks.

[EnigmaofSorrow]

We fell asleep in each others arms on the couch.

When I woke up the next morning, I squirmed out of Jenny's embrace and stretched. I tried to make sense of the pact we made.

Just how serious was she?

I contemplated grabbing another can of beer but we had forgotten to put it into the refrigerator and I did not want to drink room-temperature beer.

I checked the clock. It was only 9am. I guess I had gotten used to waking up on the weekends. I extracted my phone and checked for messages. As expected, there none. I proceeded to the toilet to wash up.

As I was brushing my teeth, my phone vibrated. I ignored it and finished my task.

When I was done brushing my teeth. I washed my face and let it drip dry. I exited the toilet and fished my phone out from my pocket. I read the SMS preview and nearly dropped my phone.

S: Are you free? We need to talk. Urgently. Call me please.

Warm beer or not, I popped the tab, grabbed my sticks and let myself out of the house.

With trembling hands, I lit a stick, settled down at the staircase landing and dialed Shirley's number. It rang twice before she answered.

Me: Hello?

S: I'm sorry.

Me: For what?

S: I didn't mean it.

Me: What?

S: I should have been happy with what you were, not expecting you to be different just for me.

Me: Er.

S: I made mistakes.

Me: So did I.

S: Can we meet in person?

Me: I don't think that's such a good idea.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jenny at the gate, stretching lazily. She came over and sat next to me.

J: What's not such a good idea?

I hushed her.

S: Who's that? Your new girlfriend?

I looked at Jenny, wondering if she could hear Shirley over the phone. I think she could, as she motioned to ask if she should leave. I shook my head.

Me: I'm unattached.

S: Really?

Me: Yeah.

S: Who's that then?

Me: Just a friend. Really.

S: Am I interrupting something?

Me: No.

S: So why is it not such a good idea?

Me: I don't want your boyfriend to get the wrong idea.

Suddenly there was silence over at the other end and the line went dead.

Me: Weird.

J: What's up?

Me: Er. That was Shirley.

J: I know.

Me: You do?

J: More or less figured it out.

Me: Right.

J: What did she want?

Me: She wanted to meet.

J: What are you waiting for then?

Me: I don't think I'm ready.

J: Why not?

Me: And I don't think I should?

J: Why?

Me: Well...

J: Please don't say it's because of me. I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself. You need closure. And we have six years to live life before we start one together.

Me: Erm.

J: Look at me. I'm dead serious. If I don't find any one by then, I know that you're the one I wanna be with.

Me: Why not now?

J: Dude. I just broke up, you're still recovering and unsure of what you want.

Me: How does six years make a difference? What if we don't end up together?

J: Like I said, you don't know what you want. This is your journey of self-discovery.

Me: Right.

J: Of course if we could get physical once in a while I wouldn't mind.

Me: Nutcase.

J: Aren't you gonna call her back?

Me: I'm thinking about it.

J: Trust me. You need closure.

Me: I'm still thinking.

J: Don't take too long. You'll never know what you need.

[sgm91]

Seems like your life is improving bro. Shirley seems to be reaching out to you for help and she sounds like she needs you. Why not go meet with her? At least you'll find out more abt her current situation

[rubberduckygirl]

im sure shirley didnt text you for nothing. maybe you should really meet her up. clear up whatever doubts you two may have. =)