Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Hakuba]

An elderly woman went to her local doctor's office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, I'd like to have some birth control pills. Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you're 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?" The woman replied, "They help me sleep better." The doctor considered this for a second, and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice, and I sleep better at night."

[dingdong11]

The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.

Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful - so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing."

The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man say, "Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!"

[dingdong11]

Part of the job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care for their infants.

As the nurse was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to her and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?"

"Yes," she replied, "That is a good analogy."

"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously.

"Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"

[dingdong11]

The hostess (with a daughter of marriageable age - of long duration) sent out an invitation to an officer who was supposed to be the prospective suitor of her daughter's hand.

"Mr. and Mrs. Dabney request the pleasure of Captain Black's company at dinner on the 16th of September."

She was somewhat dismayed to receive the enthusiastic reply:

"With the exception of four men on leave, and two sick, Captain Black's company accept with much pleasure your invitation to dinner on the 16th of September."

[dingdong11]

During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense.

After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?"

The student replied. "BIG ones."

[dingdong11]

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over.

The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.

The startled passenger said, "I didn't mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something."

The Taxi driver said, "It's not your fault sir. It's my first day as a cab driver.

I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years!"

[dingdong11]

While Beth was dining out with her children, a man came over to her table, and they started talking.

He asked where her kids go to school. Beth told him they were home-schooled.

With a raised eyebrow, he asked if her husband was the sole breadwinner for their family.

Beth said, "No, I also work . . out of our home."

Then, noticing her two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital her son was born in.

"He was born at home," Beth answered.

The man looked at her, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"

[RapidoBoy]

Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blowjob!

Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: What do you call a guy who cries while he masturbates?
A: A tearjerker.

Q: How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A: She's the one with the dirty knees.

Q: Which of the following words does not belong: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob.
A: Blowjob. You can beat your meat, eggs, and wife; but you can’t beat a blowjob.

Q: Why did the woman smile when she walked down the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.

Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck on his cock!

Q: What’s the best thing about a blow job?
A: The ten minutes of silence!

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from your grandmother have in common?
A: You don't look down

Q: What do you call ball's on your chin?
A: A dick in your mouth!

Q: Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A: Women don't get blowjobs while they're driving.

Q: What's the difference between pink and purple?
A: The grip!

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who broke her nose on a steering wheel?
A: She was trying to blow the horn.

Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
A: You just KNOW she'll swallow!

Q: Why did the blonde give a blow job after sex?
A: She wanted to have her cock and eat it too.

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: Why are YOU shaking? She's going to eat me!

Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spit, swallow, and gargle,

Q: What’s better than a rose on your piano?
A: Tulips on your organ.

Q: Why doesn't Tom Cruise eat bananas?
A: He can't find the zipper!

Q: Whats comes after 69?
A: Mouthwash.

Q: What's the definition of a Yankee?
A: Same thing as a "quickie,"only you do it yourself.

Q: What's sicker than having sex with a pregnant woman?
A: Having sex with a pregnant woman and getting a bj by the baby.

Q: What is the square root of 69?
A: Ate something!

Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?
A: Because that's what they train for all their lives.

Q: How do you know if your boyfriend has a high sperm count?
A: You have to chew before you swallow!

Q: Whats the differance between a roast beef sandwich and a blow job?
A: You don’t know? soooo...you wanna do lunch tomorrow?

Q: How can you tell when you've had a really good blowjob?
A: You have to pull the sheets out of your ass.

Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.

Q: Why is sex like a game of bridge?
A: If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for sex?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod!

Q: What’s the definition of trust?
A: Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Q: What’s the difference between pink and purple?
A: The grip!

Q: What does 69 equal?
A: A couple of mouths full.

[RapidoBoy]

There's no business like Show Business.
There's no job like a blow job.

If 2 nuts on the wall are walnuts
And 2 nuts on your chest are chestnuts
What are two nuts on your chin?
A blowjob

One sperm said to the other sperm "I'll race you to the egg!"
The other sperm said "OK, but pace yourself, we just passed the throat!"

69 is always great, but 16 is better because you both get eight!

A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy and his owner beats him.

Have you ever woundered if your mother kissed you good night after giving your dad a blow job. I bet you u are now. Its your turn to ruin someones day!

If you've never heard of manscaping, then I've never heard of a blowjob

I was in math class and my teacher asked "what comes after 69?" Apparently "I do" is not the correct answer.

Girls, it's called a blowjob because its your job. Don't be irresponsible, show up to work.

I think I left a Blowjob at your house..... Do you mind if I come by later and get it?

A blow job before sex is a great head start.

[RapidoBoy]

School

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Johnny says " Mas-ter-bate."

Ms Hall smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful."
Little Billy says, "No, Miss Hall, you’re thinking of a blowjob."

[RapidoBoy]

Newly Wed Couple

This newly wed couple were on there honey moon and where about to have sex:
wife: before we do this i have something i have to tell u.
husband: we’re married now, u can tell me anything.
wife: i’m flat chested.
husband: i don’t believe u..prove it.

So she takes off her shirt.
husband: holy shit i never seen a smaller chest, but i have something i have to tell u too.
wife: we’re married now u can tell me anything.
husband: im “weighed like a baby”.
wife: i don’t believe you, prove it.

So he takes off his pants.
wife: i thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby?!
husband: i am 6lbs 7ounces!

[RapidoBoy]

Difference In Making Love

How can you tell if you’re making love to a teacher,a nurse or an airline stewardess?

A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.

A nurse says hold still this won’t hurt a bit.

And a airline stewardness says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.

[RapidoBoy]

How Baby Born

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

[StillLearning]

their vs there
[ Their honey moon. There were many friends who sent them off on their honey moon. ]

were vs where
[ They were exhausted after their honey moon. Where are all their wedding gifts? ]

Originally Posted by RapidoBoy

Newly Wed Couple

This newly wed couple were on there honey moon and where about to have sex:
wife: before we do this i have something i have to tell u.
husband: we’re married now, u can tell me anything.
wife: i’m flat chested.
husband: i don’t believe u..prove it.

So she takes off her shirt.
husband: holy shit i never seen a smaller chest, but i have something i have to tell u too.
wife: we’re married now u can tell me anything.
husband: im “weighed like a baby”.
wife: i don’t believe you, prove it.

So he takes off his pants.
wife: i thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby?!
husband: i am 6lbs 7ounces!

[RapidoBoy]

Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"? Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don’t stop"