Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[cutepig]

Originally Posted by bakylotus

It happened to me and I'm sure quite a few
others too. Up you for your efforts!

Thank you!

[beary]

10 Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.
Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.

Commandment 10.
Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.

[beary]

A married man walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all he wants for Christmas is for his wife to be interested in sex. Santa then proceeds to give him a bottle of pills. He tells him to give them a try and then let him know how they work.

So he takes the pills home and puts one pill in her Christmas dinner. That night, they make love for an hour. The next day, he's so thrilled! "Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," he thinks to himself.

That night he puts two pills in her food and that night they make love for two hours. The next day, he's even more thrilled, so he dumps all the pills in her food.

Two weeks go by without a word from this man, so Santa decides to give him a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, "Little boy, is your dad home?"

"No, he's...who's this?" the little boy asks.

"I'm a friend of your dad's and I gave him some pills to help him out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?"

"That was you?!" the little boy says. "Let me tell you something -- Dad's lying on the ground holding his groin, the UPS man won't deliver Christmas presents to our house, and Mom's stalking the produce man at the grocery store!'

[Babooshka]

A Punjabi lawyer working abroad wrote to his wife...

Dear Sunita Darling,

I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected my company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart, please manage somehow.

Your loving husband,
JITA

His wife replied...

TINKU KE PAPPA ,

Thanks for the 100 kisses.

Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses...:

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.
3. Your landlord Balkar Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the monthly rent.
4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items, I hope you understand...
5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.

Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can survive the month using this balance...

Shall I plan the same for the next month?

Your Sweet Heart,
Kichi

[Ahbeng69]

Originally Posted by Roman city

However, as she was going out the door, the professor, absoultely straight-faced, answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

this is funny bro. thanks

[Babooshka]

An important senator arranged to use an escort service and ended up with a beautiful Japanese girl who speaks no english. They go into his hotel room and started having sex and she got into it like there's no tomorrow! She started yelling the same japanese word over and over and making faces and the senator can tell he's driving her crazy! He's never had it so good at his old age.

The next morning, he's golfing with the japanese ambassador, and he made a birdie. He suddenly remembered the word that the Japanese woman kept yelling out loud the night before, and he yelled it out....

The ambassador looks at him strangely, looked at the pin, and said to him, "No, that was the right hole."

[Babooshka]

A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, “What are these things daddy?” His dad said, “Condoms son.” The boy asked, “Why do they come in packs of 1, 3 and 12?” The dad replied, “The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night. The ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March…”

[Babooshka]

A man is sitting alone, pounding back drinks at the local bar. Along comes a beautiful woman that sits down beside him. He turns to her and says “Hey, how bout it? You and me, gettin’ it on. I’ve got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money.” She stands up and says, “What makes you think I charge by the inch?”

[Babooshka]

Intoxicated Woman Joke

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.

He said, “I’m going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.” She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, “It looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones.”

She replied, “You mean it shows that, too?”

[Thailord]

A final night together....

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says: "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening."

The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well: "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king."

She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles -- the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide awake watching the clock.

He knows that he is doomed. He taps her: "Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and they again proceed to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. By now she is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again: "Honey?" he whispers.

She rolls over and yells: "Would you give it a rest! One of us has to get up in the morning!"

[Thailord]

The dumbest wife....

Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives.

The first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and we don't even have a garage."

The second guy says, "That's nothing! My wife is so dumb, she listens to an iPod and she doesn't have any earphones."

The third guy says, "Oh, yeah? My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of condoms and she doesn't even have a dick!"

[ilovelife.now]

The maid was giving head to the owner and Little Johnny walked in. Curiuos, he asked her- "What are you doing?"

Maid said - "Um.. I am cleaning it for your mother!" and little johnny was satisfied and left.

In the evening, after their dinner when they were about to sleep, Little Johnny's mother went to take shower. When she came out, Little Johnny asked her - "Mom, why do you take shower every night?"

His mother told - "For your father, dear". And little johny said - "mom, dad couldn't clean his pee pee himself so the maid cleaned it with her mouth, just for you!"

[ilovelife.now]

A man and a woman were asleep naked like two innocent babies, Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Shit! That must be my husband!'

So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush, then started to run as fast as he could to his car.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman 'I AM your husband, you slut!'

The woman yelled back, "Yeah??? Then why were you running.... you Son of a Bitch !!"

And that folks.... that is how the fight started and is currently going for a divorce!

[bakylotus]

TIME TO GO

Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to
fly out for a visit. 'No way am I getting on an
aeroplane', was the inevitable answer.

'Look Mom, if its your time to go, it doesn't matter
whether you're on the ground or in the air'.

'I know', said the mother. 'I just don't want to be
that far off the ground when it is the pilot's time
to go'.

[bakylotus]

CHROMOSOMES


In lectures on human genetics, I explained to my
college students that males determine the sex of
an offspring by contributing either a X or Y
chromosomes. So at the end of the year, I put it
on the final examination, 'How is the sex of a child
determined?'.

One student wrote, 'By examining it at birth'.