Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

The football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them.

So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"

So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip my cock out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom.

He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging his cock on the dresser.

His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, "That you, Bubba?"

[bigbirdbird]

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it.

All the years of growing up was real tough on him because all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a Swami in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day, when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the boy awoke, he saw the golden screw lying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!

Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, and his butt fell off.

The moral of this story is:
Don't screw around with things you don't understand.
You could lose your ass!

[Bravo002]

Haha thanks for sharing bro

[beefsticky]

Thanks for sharing ..... made my day

[bigbirdbird]

The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night.

The farmer told him there was no vacant room.

"I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her."

The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side.

He decided to have his way with her, he finished and rolled over and went to sleep.

The next morning he asked for his bill.

"It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said.

"Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said.

"Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her today.

[bigbirdbird]

The playboy encountered a lovely young thing on one of his trips abroad and decided to marry her.

Blessing the fact that she was not only a virgin but totally naive, he seized on the wedding night as a chance to break her in right, and had her perform oral sex with him a number of times.

The next day the bride went to see her mother, and burst into tears almost immediately.

"Oh, Mother," she sobbed . "I did so want to have children, and now I just know I never shall."

"Now, now, dear, what makes you so sure?" asked the mother soothingly.

"Because." she wept, "because I'll never learn to swallow that dreadful stuff!"

[bigbirdbird]

A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along. She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried.

She asks, "What if the baby starts coming, and I can't get to the hospital in time."

The doctor replies, "Well, woman have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors.

It's a very natural process.

The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant."

The blonde interrupts with, "Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window?"

[bigbirdbird]

The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys.

The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he's sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished.

The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a $5.00 bill.

The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father, . . . you're a virgin."

The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark. The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it's a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.

The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another $5.00 bill.

Once again the lad looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin".

At this stage the priest decides to take action.

"Tommy," he says, "that's twice you've called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?".

"Yes," says the kid, "a tight cunt "

[bigbirdbird]

The Perfect Woman Would Say.....

1. I'll swallow it all....I love the taste.

2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!

4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome!

5. God... .f I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!

6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?

7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.

8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.

10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.

12. I'll be out painting the house.

13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.

14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!

15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

16. No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

17. Your mother did a great job raising you.

18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.

19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for God's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.

20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

21. Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!

22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.

23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.

24. That was a great fart! Do another one!

25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...

[bigbirdbird]

Confucius Say....
Kiss is merely shopping upstairs,
For merchandise downstairs.

Confucius Say.
Better to lose a lover
Than love a loser.

Confucius Say.
Man with broken condom
Often called Daddy

Confucius Say.
Sex is same as bank account.
You put it in, you take it out....you lose interest.

Confucius Say.
Viagra just like Disneyland ...
One hour wait for 5 minute ride.

Confucius Say.
Much better to want the mate you do not have
Than to have the mate you do not want.

Confucius Say.
Joke is like sex.
Neither any good if you don't get it.

[bigbirdbird]

The Great Aussie Love Poem


Of Course I Love Ya Darling You're A Bloody Top Notch Bird
And When I Say You're Gorgeous I Mean Every Single Word


So Ya Bum Is On The Big Side I Dont Mind A Bit Of Flab
It Means That When I'm Ready There's Somethin' There To Grab


So Your Belly Isn't Flat No More I Tell Ya, I Don't Care
So Long As When I Cuddle Ya I Can Get My Arms Round There


No Sheila Who Is Your Age Has Nice Round Perky Breasts
They Just Gave Into Gravity But I Know Ya Did Ya Best


I'm Tellin Ya The Truth Now I Never Tell Ya Lies
I Think It's Very Sexy That You've Got Dimples On Ya Thighs


I Swear Upon Me Nannas Grave The Moment That We Met
I Thought U Was As Good As I Was Ever Gonna Get


No Matter Wot U Look Like I'll Always Love Ya Dear
Now Shut Up While The Footys On And Get Me Bloody Beer!

[PrinceCharles]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

The Great Aussie Love Poem

Thanks for sharing the poem bro

[JohnHandcock]

Very good jokes
Keep it up birdy !!

[cupid xpress]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

The Perfect Woman Would Say.....

1. I'll swallow it all....I love the taste.

3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!

4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome!

5. God... .f I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!

6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?

8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.

13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.

14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!

15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

16. No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

17. Your mother did a great job raising you.

18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself tackles & rod

19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for God's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.

20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

21. Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!

25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...

If would be a dream come true

26. Let's substitute the alarm clock, wake up up wil be blowing you every morning

[bigbirdbird]

The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(because they are plugged into a genius)


2. WHY DON'T MEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)


3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)


4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)


5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)


6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)


7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know....it never happened)


8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)