Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Lotto649]

Originally Posted by A88088

Q: What comes down but never goes up?
A: Rain

Q: I’m tall when I’m young and I’m short when I’m old. What am I?
A: A candle

Thank you for sharing nice jokes.

[FreakPartner]

So many jokes here, will slowly take my time to read
Thanks to all contributors

[afterdark616]

Originally Posted by FreakPartner

So many jokes here, will slowly take my time to read
Thanks to all contributors

Hahaha 400 over pages

[bigbirdbird]

This young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages to sneak his new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into his room at the Olympic Village.

Once she's inside, he quickly switches out all the lights and they rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement.

After about twenty minutes of wild sex they both collapse back on the bed in exhaustion.

The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim light.

His beautifully-developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shaven scalp glisten with little beads of sweat as he lays beside her.

She's really pleased to have met this guy.

At this point the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed.

He fumbles the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a small shot in a glass and drinks it down in one gulp.

Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the bed, climbing out the other side and beating his chest like a gorilla.

Then he vaults back on top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance.

The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second encounter.

Somehow the Aussie has completely recovered from his previous exhaustion!

After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot of the mysterious liquid.

Once more he dives under the bed, emerges on the other side, beats his chest and commences to make love all over AGAIN.

The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the same blistering pace as before. In the darkness, she can't properly see what kind of tonic is causing these incredible transformations, but she sure likes the effect!

More than an hour later, after another repeat of the strange drinking ritual on his part, and a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part, the Danish girl is now feeling rather faint herself.

"Just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting bald-headed Aussie, "I think I need to try some of your tonic!"

She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid.

She braces herself for some sort of medicinal effect, but actually it just tastes like Coca-Cola.

Then she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the bed - only to smash straight into the three other exhausted members of the Australian relay team.

[bigbirdbird]

This British explorer is in the dark jungle, going where no Western man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter all in one.

One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man taking a morning swim. When he got to shore and stood up the explorer couldn't help but notice the size of his penis. The young man had the longest, thickest penis he had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was.

"He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir," came the reply. "This is his morning ritual."

"Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his penis get to be this size?"

The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.

"Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return.

"He said, 'Doesn't the white man's shrink in cold water?'"

[bigbirdbird]

This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute.

A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on the end of his penis.

The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for.

He looks up and says, "I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!"

"Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?"

"Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You've developed the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout."

[bigbirdbird]

This guy was a real moron.

He had gone out to a bar one night, and was getting friendly with a very pretty woman at the bar.

They danced for a while.

She rubbed up against him and, to her surprise, she felt something thick and rock hard.

She invited him back to her place and took him into the bedroom.

But when he pulled off his pants, she was shocked to see a foot long length of steel pipe between his legs.

"How did you get that?" she demanded.

The moron said, "A couple of months ago I noticed my prick was dripping."

She asked, "So you went to a doctor?"

He replied, "No. The doctor was much too expensive. So I called a plumber."

[iCuntZapIT]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

This young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages to sneak his new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into his room at the Olympic Village.

Once she's inside, he quickly switches out all the lights and they rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement.

After about twenty minutes of wild sex they both collapse back on the bed in exhaustion.

The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim light.

His beautifully-developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shaven scalp glisten with little beads of sweat as he lays beside her.

She's really pleased to have met this guy.

At this point the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed.

He fumbles the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a small shot in a glass and drinks it down in one gulp.

Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the bed, climbing out the other side and beating his chest like a gorilla.

Then he vaults back on top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance.

The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second encounter.

Somehow the Aussie has completely recovered from his previous exhaustion!

After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot of the mysterious liquid.

Once more he dives under the bed, emerges on the other side, beats his chest and commences to make love all over AGAIN.

The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the same blistering pace as before. In the darkness, she can't properly see what kind of tonic is causing these incredible transformations, but she sure likes the effect!

More than an hour later, after another repeat of the strange drinking ritual on his part, and a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part, the Danish girl is now feeling rather faint herself.

"Just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting bald-headed Aussie, "I think I need to try some of your tonic!"

She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid.

She braces herself for some sort of medicinal effect, but actually it just tastes like Coca-Cola.

Then she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the bed - only to smash straight into the three other exhausted members of the Australian relay team.

This is de best !!!!!

[bigbirdbird]

This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.

All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.

Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"

"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."

[HazyDay]

Thank you for all the great jokes.

[Andrewxox21]

Mom Can I Have Penies?

A 5 year old girl found a few pennies on top of the small table and played with when mom asked her to not play with pennies.

Girl: Mom? When can I have pennies of my own?

Mother: If you'll be a good girl you will get a penny.

Girl: Okay I'll be a good girl mom.

Mother: But if you'll be a bad girl, ........... you will get a lot of pennies.

mom( evil laughs) .......

[bigbirdbird]

TOP 10 REASONS MEN DATE BIMBOS INSTEAD OF NICE GIRLS

10. Much easier to prove that you're superior.

9. Less likely to interrupt you with thoughts or opinions of their own.

8. Won't want you to cancel your plans to watch nude Jell-O wrestling to go see "Phantom of the Opera".

7. More impressed by the thickness of your wallet-even though it's stuffed with condoms instead of money.

6. Will let you send intimate pictures of them to Beaver Hunt.

5. They won't object to demeaning comments you make about them in front of 'the guys'.

4. They actually believe you when you say, "I love you for your mind and personality - now shut up and finish putting on that French maid outfit.

3. Don't understand computers well enough to access your files and read what you've been saying about them.

2. Their ability to comprehend spatial relationships is so poor that they really do believe that it's eight inches.

and the Number One Reason Men Date Bimbos Instead Of Nice Girls

1. They will put up with you.

[bigbirdbird]

Two builders (Chas and Dave) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Chas: -I reckon he's an accountant.
Dave: -No way, he's a stockbroker.
Chas: -He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chas and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Chas: -Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: -No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!

Chas: -Oh! What's that then?
Suit: -I'll try to explain by example...Do you have a goldfish at home?

Chas: -Er...mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: -Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Chas: -It's in a pond!
Suit: -Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Chas: -As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: -Well then it's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden that you have a large house?
Chas: -As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!

Suit: -Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and you are quite probably married?
Chas: -Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!

Suit: -Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Chas: -Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: -Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Chas: -Me? Never

Suit: -Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Chas: -How's that then?

Suit: -Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life!
Chas: -I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Chas returns to his mate.

Dave: -I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Chas: -Yep ! He's a logical scientist!

Dave: -What's that then?
Chas: -I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Dave: -Nope
Chas: -Well then, you're a wanker

[bigbirdbird]

This trucker had been driving his eighteen wheeler for hours and he was hot and tired so he stopped at his favorite brothel he'd patronize for years.

Mabel answers the door and says "Hey there Ed. What can I do for you."

Ed replies, "You know I've been trading here for twenty years and this time I'd like something different."

"Well" says Mabel, "we got Annie, Betty and Lucy - she takes it up the 'attic'".

"Hell no, I want something different" says Ed.

Mabel says, "Oh, I'll send Hurricane Jessie. She's new. Now you go on to your room."

Ed goes to his room and gets all prepared. Soon this big Amazon of a gal comes in and she's puffing and a blowing. She straddles old Ed and starts swinging back and forth, her big boobs just knocking hell outa his head.

He cried, "What in hell's going on?"

"I'm Hurricane Jessie and that's the coconuts falling off the coconut trees".

Pretty soon she starts pissing all over him and says this is the monsoon rains that come with the hurricane.

Ed jumps off the bed and Hurricane Jessie says, "What's wrong honey, don't you like it?"

He said,"I'm leaving. Who in hell could fuck in this kind of weather?!"

[bigbirdbird]

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking arse."

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more arse this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."