Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Two out of work bums decided that they would be better off in a more downtown location...so they hitched a ride.

The driver dropped them off in the city's red-light district.

A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Hey guy...would you like a hand job?"

The bum shook his head and said, "errr...no its okay!"

A few minutes later another hooker approached the bums and said, "Hey guy...would you like a blow job?"

The bum again shook his head and said, "errr...no its okay!"

After the hooker left the bum turned to his buddy and said, "We'd better go back where we came from, we've only been here 10 minutes and we've been offered two jobs already!"

[bigbirdbird]

Top 10 things a woman would do if she woke up in the morning with a penis:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at the urinal.

6. Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch/Shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it
may be to others.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny
as it looks.

2. Understand the reason for the light refraction that occurs between
man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member.

And the # 1 thing a woman would do is:

1. Repeat # 9.

[bigbirdbird]

Two little boys are visiting their cousin in the country when they decide to go for a walk down the back roads. After about three miles they find a used rubber lying by the road.

"Hey," one of the dumbass city boys says, "look, a poor cow lost one of its titties!"

"Let's go give it to the farmer!" the other one says.

So, they work they way up to the farm house. They knock on the door and out comes the farmer.

"Hey, Mister, we found a cow titty. Ya want it back?"

The farmer, not in the mood for conducting a Sex-Ed seminar, said, "Sure, boys, here's a dollar for your trouble."

The boys hand over the rubber and head on back down the road. After a little while one says to the other, "You know, lardass, we could have got more than a buck if you hadn't drank the darn milk!"

[Suwy]

Funny jokes , tqvm all bros for sharing

[pratakosong126]

Thanks to all who contributed !!

[iJiakSimi]

Originally Posted by Suwy

Funny jokes , tqvm all bros for sharing

Yeah, good jokes

[packardbell]

Originally Posted by iJiakSimi

Yeah, good jokes

A: bro i cannot get my gf aroused for sex recently even we watched rated DVD. How man?
B: Maybe you can try my method using Spanish Fly. I used if couple of times.
A: Oh, does it work?
B: Yes, all the times without failed.
A: Okie, i try tonight.
B: How was it last night with the Spanish Fly?
A: Hey bro, no effect leh. she like before no reaction worst than watching DVD while I am so desperate.
B: Hmm, how can that be.....you use it on the liquor or wine?
A: Does it matter? Any I drank it with coffee.
B: Oh my god, that is the problem.
A: You mean cannot mix it with coffee?
B: No, It is meant for the lady lah.

[925668]

Originally Posted by packardbell

A: bro i cannot get my gf aroused for sex recently even we watched rated DVD. How man?
B: Maybe you can try my method using Spanish Fly. I used if couple of times.
A: Oh, does it work?
B: Yes, all the times without failed.
A: Okie, i try tonight.
B: How was it last night with the Spanish Fly?
A: Hey bro, no effect leh. she like before no reaction worst than watching DVD while I am so desperate.
B: Hmm, how can that be.....you use it on the liquor or wine?
A: Does it matter? Any I drank it with coffee.
B: Oh my god, that is the problem.
A: You mean cannot mix it with coffee?
B: No, It is meant for the lady lah.

Nice one LOL !!!

[Ramzai]

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM ..

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub! them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied,
"I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

[Ramzai]

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

[Ramzai]

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He ! examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home

"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

[Ramzai]

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner; She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied,

"the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

[Ramzai]

The Card Game

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.

Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.

Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?"

Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."

[etsys]

A very "ENGLISH" joke

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.

I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

"I love you!" she said, then she got all excited, un-zipped my trousers and gave me the most amazing bj ever.... which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before ..


PS, the wings in a dart are called "FLIGHT"

[iSawaDCup69]

Originally Posted by Ramzai

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

Hahahaa good one!!