Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread] - Page 491

Saltyraw · #**7351** 25-10-2016, 07:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.

After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"

"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him'Your Honor'!"

"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"

"And me......, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Mexican' !

Hehe nice ones

Ergonomics · #**7352** 25-10-2016, 08:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Saltyraw

Hehe nice ones

Love that too

bigbirdbird · #**7353** 28-10-2016, 07:28 PM

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles he asks the driver what the monkey is for.

The driver says "I'll show you" and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.

The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker head. When finished ,the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.

"See that" said the trucker.

The man said "Yeah".

The trucker ask the man "You want to try it?"

The man said "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"

bigbirdbird · #**7354** 28-10-2016, 07:29 PM

This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they capoff the festivities by going to a house of ill repute.

A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on the end of his penis.

The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for. He looks up and says, "I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!"

"Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?"

"Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You've developed the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout."

bigbirdbird · #**7355** 28-10-2016, 07:30 PM

Some definitions

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Adultery - The wrong people doing the right thing.

Chivalry - A mans inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself.

Conscience - That which hurts when everything else feels so good.

Constipation - To have and to hold.

Husband - What is left after the nerve has been killed.

Minute Man - One who double parks while he visits a sporting house.

Morning - The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises.

Nun - A woman who ain't never had none, don't want none, and ain't going to get none.

Nursery - A place to park last years fun until it grows up a bit.

Sin - Anything the other fellow enjoys and you don't.

Sissy - A man who gets out of the bath tub to take a leak.

Spring Fever - When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pencil.

Stork - The bird that had none of the fun in bringing the babies.

Taxidermist - A man who mounts animals.

Tomcat - A ball bearing mouse trap.

bigbirdbird · #**7356** 28-10-2016, 07:31 PM

Some Valentine Cards That Probably Wont Go Over Too Well

We're perfect for each other...
I can't hold a job and you have a trust fund.

Will you be my sweet valentine?
Please let me know as soon as possible, because I have some backups in mind.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...
One... Two.... yeah, that is about it I guess!

Tonight is going to be a special night.
Just you and me and ESPN.

I admire your strength, I admire your spunk but the
thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty."

I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your
sister!

To my snuggly-wuggly, eentsy-weentsy, honeyy-baby...
I am going to screw you so hard tonight.

Honey, be mine!
Can I do you from behind?

bigbirdbird · #**7357** 28-10-2016, 07:33 PM

Sophie and the Queen were talking shortly before the wedding when the Queen said " Now Sophie, I think it's about time you and I talked about any problems you and Edward may have consummating the marriage"

"Oh," said Sophie, "Everything's all right really, except ......"

"Except what?" said the Queen, "don't be embarrassed, I've heard it all before".

"Well, when I suck his dick and swallow, it tastes awful and gives me really bad heartburn."

"Have you tried Andrews?" asked the Queen

"Yes, but his tasted the same"

bigbirdbird · #**7358** 28-10-2016, 07:34 PM

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm of royal blood and an I.Q. of 165, I'd like to make a donation".

The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room.

20 minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?"

"I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?"

The nurse replied, "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..."

She gets on her knees and begins to blow him.

"I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"

Krukua · #**7359** 28-10-2016, 07:37 PM

Thanks for sharing very good jokes bro birdbird

ThePeaks · #**7360** 28-10-2016, 09:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm of royal blood and an I.Q. of 165, I'd like to make a donation".

The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room.

20 minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?"

"I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?"

The nurse replied, "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..."

She gets on her knees and begins to blow him.

"I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"

Nice one hehe

FUNNYANDHORNY · #**7361** 29-10-2016, 04:48 PM

If SAMSUNG merged with APPLE,
Their new name will be ....

FUNNYANDHORNY · #**7362** 29-10-2016, 04:49 PM

If you use any APPLE in SAMSUNG's office....

BravoS · #**7363** 29-10-2016, 05:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Sophie and the Queen were talking shortly before the wedding when the Queen said " Now Sophie, I think it's about time you and I talked about any problems you and Edward may have consummating the marriage"

"Oh," said Sophie, "Everything's all right really, except ......"

"Except what?" said the Queen, "don't be embarrassed, I've heard it all before".

"Well, when I suck his dick and swallow, it tastes awful and gives me really bad heartburn."

"Have you tried Andrews?" asked the Queen

"Yes, but his tasted the same"

Bravo bravo !