Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[lipe]

What do men have in common with toilet bowls, anniversaries and clitorises?


They miss them all.

[lipe]

During this festive season, as you walk around Orchard Road, when not ogling girls, remember this:



Why is an impotent man like a Christmas tree?


They both have balls for decoration.

[lipe]

A man walks into a sex shop and tells the woman behind the counter he’s looking for a blow-up doll.


The woman asks, ‘Would you like a Christian or a Muslim doll?’.


Confused, the man says, ‘What’s the difference?’.


‘Well,’ replies the woman, ‘the Muslim one blows itself up.’

[lipe]

This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla’s enclosure, a gust of wind blew some grit into his eye. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the hapless fellow senseless.

When the guy came to, the zookeeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk he explained what had happened.

The zookeeper nodded sagely and explained that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid meant “fuck you.”

The explanation didn’t make the gorilla’s victim feel any better, and he vowed revenge.

The next day he bought two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla’s cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.

Knowing that the big apes were natural mimics, he put on a party hat.

The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on.

Next he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two.

The gorilla looked at the knife in his cage, looked at his own crotch, and solemnly pulled down his eyelid.

[bigbirdbird]

Originally Posted by lipe

A man walks into a sex shop and tells the woman behind the counter he’s looking for a blow-up doll.


.’

Ups you bro

[lipe]

Bro bigbigbird, thanks. I have upped your points previously.

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Ups you bro

[TaiSeiHei]

Thanks for sharing nice jokes!!

[lipe]

LEARN - Moral of story -set alarm as early as possible.

Four married guys go golfi ng. While playing the 4th hole, the following conversation takes place:

1st Guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfi ng this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.”

2nd Guy: “That’s nothing. I had to promise my wife I would build a new deck for the pool.”

3rd Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I would remodel the kitchen for her.”

They continued to play the hole when they realized that the 4th guy hadn’t said anything. So they asked him, “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfi ng this weekend. What’s
the deal?”

4th Guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. and when it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge, and said, ‘Golf course or intercourse?’

And she said, ‘Wear your sweater.’”

[lipe]

I am 65+. Will this happened to me?


A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, “Doctor, my eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby.”

The doctor said, “Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. When a bear suddenly charged at the man, he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear, and killed it.”

The man said, “Impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear.”

The doctor said, “My point exactly!”

[lipe]

I am 65+ - should I do it?

When Thompson hit seventy, he decided to change his lifestyle completely so that he could live longer. He went on a strict diet, he jogged, he swam, and he took sunbaths.

In just three months’ time, Thompson lost thirty pounds, reduced his waist by six inches, and expanded his chest by five inches.

Svelte and tan, he decided to top it all off with a sporty new haircut.

Afterward, while stepping out of the barbershop, he was hit by a bus.

As he lay dying, he cried out, “God, how could you do this to me?”

And a voice from the heavens responded, “To tell you the truth, Thompson, I didn’t recognize you.”

[lipe]

You have heard the half empty or half full.

The optimist says, “The glass is half full.”

The pessimist says, “The glass is half empty.”












But have you heard this:


The rationalist says, “This glass is twice as big as it needs to be.”

[lipe]

Who is right?

A rabbi is holding court in his village.

Schmuel stands up and pleads his case, saying, “Rabbi, Itzak runs his sheep across my land every day and it is ruining my crops. It’s my land. It’s not fair.”

The rabbi says, “You’re right!”

But then Itzak stands up and says, “But Rabbi, going across his land is the only way my sheep can drink water from the pond. Without it, they’ll die. For centuries, every shepherd has had the right of way on the land surrounding the pond, so I should too.”

And the rabbi says, “You’re right!”

The cleaning lady, who has overheard all this, says to the rabbi, “But, Rabbi, they can’t both be right!”

And the rabbi replies, “You’re right!”

[Pichichi40]

Great jokes!!

[Supervert]

Originally Posted by lipe

Who is right?

A rabbi is holding court in his village.

Schmuel stands up and pleads his case, saying, “Rabbi, Itzak runs his sheep across my land every day and it is ruining my crops. It’s my land. It’s not fair.”

The rabbi says, “You’re right!”

But then Itzak stands up and says, “But Rabbi, going across his land is the only way my sheep can drink water from the pond. Without it, they’ll die. For centuries, every shepherd has had the right of way on the land surrounding the pond, so I should too.”

And the rabbi says, “You’re right!”

The cleaning lady, who has overheard all this, says to the rabbi, “But, Rabbi, they can’t both be right!”

And the rabbi replies, “You’re right!”

Up 9 points for your sharings

[lipe]

Thanks bro Supervert. Returned 11 points.

Originally Posted by Supervert

Up 9 points for your sharings

Peter and James have been friends for more than sixty years. One day Peter says, “James, let’s make a pact: whoever dies first will try to come back and tell the other what heaven’s like.”

They both agree, but none too soon, because the next day James is done in by a sudden heart attack.

Six months later, just when Peter is giving up any hope of hearing from his friend, a voice wakes him up in the middle of the night.

“James, is that you?” Peter asks in amazement.

“You’re right, you’re not wrong,” James answers.

“Well, tell me. What’s it like?”

“You wouldn’t believe it. All day long, all we do is eat and fuck. We get up in the morning, eat breakfast, and fuck, then we eat lunch and fuck until dinner. After dinner we fuck some more. We fuck until we pass out, then we wake up and fuck some more,” James explains.

“Holy shit!” exclaims Peter. “If that’s heaven, I can’t wait to die!”

“Who said anything about heaven?” a perplexed James replies. “I’m in Nevada and I’m a rabbit.”