Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[lipe]

Do you wonder why girls liked to keep dogs as pet? Here is the reason.


Two ladies are at the vet’s office. One has a poodle and the other a Great Dane.

The lady with the Great Dane asks the poodle lady, “Why are you here?”

“Oh,” the woman says, “my dog keeps scratching himself, so I’m here to get some flea spray. What about you?”

The Great Dane lady says, “I’m here because my dog is oversexed. If I bend over to wash the floor or pick up anything, he wraps his paws around me and starts to hump me.”

“So you’re here to get him neutered?”

“No,” says the other woman, “I’m here to get his nails clipped.”


When you see girls with dogs, do look out whether the dog nails are clipped. You will then know their relationship.


.

[TehSooSoo]

LOL nails clipped lol

[badblink]

Very good jokes, thanks!!

[FUNNYANDHORNY]

Originally Posted by TehSooSoo

LOL nails clipped lol

No check if doggy got erection?

[lipe]

Have you ever lost your TV remote control?






Did you hear about the deviant burglar who broke into a house and only stole the remote control?

Every night he walks past their window and changes the channel.


.

[lipe]

A jeweler called the police station to report a robbery. “You’ll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened, and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry, and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away.”


The desk sergeant said, “Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?”


“What’s the difference?” asked the jeweler.


“Well,” said the sergeant, “an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears.”


“Come to think of it, I couldn’t see his ears,” said the jeweler. “He had a stocking over his head.”



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[lipe]

A guy puts his hand down his wife’s pants and to touch her vagina.


She says, “Would you take off your ring? It’s hurting me.”


He says, “That’s not my ring. It’s my wristwatch.”

.

[lipe]

The night before her wedding, Cheryl pulled her mother aside for an intimate little chat.


“Mom,” she confided, “I want you to tell me how I can make my new husband happy.”


The bride’s mother took a deep breath. “Well, my child,” she began, “when two people love, honour, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing.”

“I know how to fuck, Mom,” interrupted Cheryl. “I want you to teach me how to cook.”



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[lipe]

Ah Beng got engaged to a lovely girl, and when they went in for their blood
tests, it quickly became apparent to the doctor that the husband-to-be had no idea what sexual intercourse consisted of.


Taking pity on the bride, Dr. Tan explained about the birds and the bees and the coconut trees, but the vague smile on the young man’s face was unconvincing.


The doctor’s second attempt to explain the ritual of the wedding night left the
groom-to-be smiling and nodding, but clearly baffled.


So the good doctor gave it one more try, to no avail.


Thoroughly frustrated, the doctor instructed the young woman to undress and lie down upon the examination table. She obeyed happily enough, and Dr. Tan, a humanitarian through and through, proceeded to demonstrate for the young man.


For forty minutes he demonstrated.


Finally, sweaty and exhausted, he hauled himself up on his elbows, turned to
the fiancé, and said, “Now do you understand what I’ve been trying to tell you?”


At last a glimmer of comprehension came into Ah Beng’s eyes. “I’ve got it
now, Doc,” he cried happily.


“Good, good,” said the doctor in relief, getting down from the table and pulling up his pants. “Do you have any further questions?”


“Just one,” admitted the young man.


“Yes?” asked the doctor testily.


“All I need to know, Dr. Tan, is how often do I have to bring her in?”



.

[lipe]

After recent NUS hoha of orientation with sexual undertones. This is more relevant.


I find that the three major administrative problems on a campus are sex for the students, athletics for the alumni, and parking for the faculty.


Perhaps NUS, NTU, SIM students can comment.

[BigBoy2]

Just to share a joke I heard some years ago....... first time trying oh not good just ignore it....... This is an American joke

There were these couple whom stay by the lake side and the husband likes to row his boat out to fish during weekends. Always his neighbor an Indi will join him to help row out the boat and he pays the neighbor some small tips.

So during one of this fishing trip...... the man had no success and he was upset and says to the indi, "I am sorry indi, today no fish for you and will have no tips as well"...... then the indi replied "no problem sir, I get you some fish...." the indi then dip his 10 fingers into the lake and bingo..... 10 fishes bites onto his fingers....... the man was happy, tipped him and ask him the secret to it...... the indi refuses at first but then the man promise more tips so the indi find all told him that his fingers were dipped with cunt juice just before the trip and he did not wash it......

The following week came..... the man was excited to try out his new discovery and he woke up very early that morning...... When he saw his wife preparing breakfast he went behind her swiftly and put his hands into her skirt and started to dig........

The wife was shock but was soon flowing with lots of juices and was enjoying it and she exclaimed....... "OH INDI YOU ARE SO EARLY THIS MORNING" .......

LOL

just sharing......

[baconly]

Originally Posted by BigBoy2

Just to share a joke I heard some years ago....... first time trying oh not good just ignore it....... This is an American joke

There were these couple whom stay by the lake side and the husband likes to row his boat out to fish during weekends. Always his neighbor an Indi will join him to help row out the boat and he pays the neighbor some small tips.

So during one of this fishing trip...... the man had no success and he was upset and says to the indi, "I am sorry indi, today no fish for you and will have no tips as well"...... then the indi replied "no problem sir, I get you some fish...." the indi then dip his 10 fingers into the lake and bingo..... 10 fishes bites onto his fingers....... the man was happy, tipped him and ask him the secret to it...... the indi refuses at first but then the man promise more tips so the indi find all told him that his fingers were dipped with cunt juice just before the trip and he did not wash it......

The following week came..... the man was excited to try out his new discovery and he woke up very early that morning...... When he saw his wife preparing breakfast he went behind her swiftly and put his hands into her skirt and started to dig........

The wife was shock but was soon flowing with lots of juices and was enjoying it and she exclaimed....... "OH INDI YOU ARE SO EARLY THIS MORNING" .......

LOL

just sharing......

green hat glowing sia

[Office365]

Originally Posted by lipe

The night before her wedding, Cheryl pulled her mother aside for an intimate little chat.


“Mom,” she confided, “I want you to tell me how I can make my new husband happy.”


The bride’s mother took a deep breath. “Well, my child,” she began, “when two people love, honour, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing.”

“I know how to fuck, Mom,” interrupted Cheryl. “I want you to teach me how to cook.”



.

I like this one hahahahaa!!!

[Gold5039]

Fantastic jokes!!

[bigbirdbird]

The teacher hears Johnny cussing, so she gets pissed off and goes bitching to Johnny's father. She comes to Johnny's house and notices Little Johnny fucking a goat in the yard.

She walks in the house and screams to his father "Your son! Your son! He cussed in school and now, now he's being carnal with a goat in the yard!"

"Son of a bitch! Today is my turn!" shouted his father.