husband leaving me, please advise

[adviseme]

i wonder how he can still sleep so soundly when i am tossing, turning and eventually getting up.

i wonder how he can continue with his happy life when he can clearly see how he has destroyed mine.

it is really easy to hate him

but i am so weak.

help me.

i need to sleep. i need to sleep. i still have to work and be there for my son tomorrow.

help me.

[CyberRod]

Bro vin69m, I love your signature... That's a motto I live by too...

[antiqueglobe]

Love? What is love?

Love is just a feeling within yourself, you feel a longing, want, lust and selfishness for someone. Love will never sustain forever! Its a feeling, and nothing but an emotion. Love is blind (thus the phrase, beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder...) and it clouds your ability to make realistic and calculated judgment.

Love has different languages. Some people see receiving gifts as being loved. Some view touches and having sex as love. Some others prefer to talk and receive compliments from each other. Some just need to spend time with each other. So what kind are you? and what kind is your husband. Are you loving each other the right way?

My parents are divorced as well. Although i don't feel anything now, it was quite saddening initially to know that i belong to a incomplete family. I didn't have a fatherly figure to grow up to... and that is a fact that i still find hard to live with from young.

Love is nothing but an attraction. How to get guys attracted to you? Go watch "The Ugly Truth"! Read "The Game"! "Men are from Mars and women are from Venus"! If everyone in the world is able to understand and tolerate each other's beliefs and expectations, the world would be a much better place!

Relationship takes 2 hands to clap. 1 hand swinging and the other not moving = a slap. After sometime, you will find that you are slapping yourself, slapping yourself hard.

I am not about the right person to tell you which road to take. Nobody on this website is qualified to do so! Not even your counselor, or your parents, or your best friends. We are not you and thus do not understand the situation as well as you do. You need to look within yourself, look without yourself and have him do the same thing together. You two need to come up with a decision and act upon it.

Life is nothing but lessons learnt. Happy events bring you happy lessons and painful events bring you painful ones. It shapes how you behave and how you mature. Ultimately who knows what really will happen 5 yrs down the road? or 10 or 20 yrs? It might be a blessing in disguise that this happened... it might not... who knows?

Ultimately, both of you should know (and understand clearly before making the decision) that whatever the decision, never regret and never look back! If you two decide to work it out, keep going and change for each other. If not, move on and better your own life.

No matter what, Life is short. Smile and stay happy forever!
=)

[sammyboyfor]

Originally Posted by adviseme

i need to sleep. i need to sleep. i still have to work and be there for my son tomorrow.

help me.

Get yourself a new man. In a couple of months, you'll be wondering what all the fuss was about.

PS: You're still under moderation so your posts don't appear immediately. Just post ONE copy of each message. It will appear once it clears the moderation queue.

[wahlau]

As I did not go through the entire thread, this may be a repeat of some brothers who have given you the answer.

My advice is "Hang on" to it. He will eventually come to his senses and realise his other relationship is also getting nowhere.

Forget justice. Forget about what's right or wrong or who's at fault. You get what you want if you persist and hang in there. Don't throw the book at him and talk about legal right, etc.

pray for patience, perserverance, love, etc. At the end of the day, he will come crawling back and worship the ground you walk and realise what an idiot he has been.

Believe me. I have seen so many divorced couple lamenting it.

[Plotinus]

Originally Posted by wahlau

As I did not go through the entire thread, this may be a repeat of some brothers who have given you the answer.

My advice is "Hang on" to it. He will eventually come to his senses and realise his other relationship is also getting nowhere.

Forget justice. Forget about what's right or wrong or who's at fault. You get what you want if you persist and hang in there. Don't throw the book at him and talk about legal right, etc.

pray for patience, perserverance, love, etc. At the end of the day, he will come crawling back and worship the ground you walk and realise what an idiot he has been.

Believe me. I have seen so many divorced couple lamenting it.

I agree. My OC hung on to me and I went back to her.

[OC.SIN09]

Hi Sis,

A close friend mine once advised me that things happen for a reason. Though we may not know the reason now, we'll see it when time comes. She believes that the reason is always for the better tomorrow.

So I live by this belief. Whenever I encounter difficulties, I'll just remind myself that this phase will pass soon. I'll emerge out as a stronger person.

Take a deep breath, calm down. If possible, take few hours break from your work, do something to stop your mind from thinking of this problem. With clearer mind, I'm sure you can see the situation in different light.

Most importantly, STOP treating yourself as a victim in this incident. Be strong and start taking charge of your life now!

We are here for you.

Take Care!

Originally Posted by adviseme

i wonder how he can still sleep so soundly when i am tossing, turning and eventually getting up.

i wonder how he can continue with his happy life when he can clearly see how he has destroyed mine.

it is really easy to hate him

but i am so weak.

help me.

i need to sleep. i need to sleep. i still have to work and be there for my son tomorrow.

help me.

[hardcoremayhem]

I am sorry to hear that your problems, xiao mei.

hope that my humble points contribution will clear you out of the moderation phase.

anyway, my 2 baht worth.

The person most affected will be your son. No two ways about it. He will be bewildered as to why is daddy not at home and you are so sullen most of the time. He will be anxious and probably feel unloved and abandoned.

Children are more sensitive than we can imagine.

I believe that as parents, you and your husband must consider the young one. If he moves out, the boy will be confused. Tell him that.

Meanwhile, work your differences out amongst yourselves and honestly, it takes 2 hands to clap and if he does not wish for reconciliation; begging him may not help. He has to search down within himself if he wants to carry on.

Honestly, love is overrated. A marriage is about Commitment also and it takes effort to make that commitment work and again, it takes 2 hands to clap.

Now, to be fair to your husband (and i may sound like a prick here), we have only heard one side of the story - yours. Although your husband may have said that there are no "push" factors in his affair, there definitely would have been. Men will always lie to take the blame on themselves. So i think that you may want to do some soul searching and talking to him about that.

Hope that all work out in the end...

[aczeta76]

Originally Posted by adviseme

i wonder how he can still sleep so soundly when i am tossing, turning and eventually getting up.

i wonder how he can continue with his happy life when he can clearly see how he has destroyed mine.

it is really easy to hate him

but i am so weak.

help me.

i need to sleep. i need to sleep. i still have to work and be there for my son tomorrow.

help me.

Hey there.. please go see the counsellor and stop brooding over it.. it will not help and will only make you more bitter and think and think and think...

Sometimes, there is no answer, no reason, no magical hand deciding your fate.. things just happen and we will all need to cope with it.

Please dun go on sleeping pills 'coz in the long run, u will only get worse...

Take a day off work and go rest your mind, have coffee... wander around the malls and freshen your mind b4 you think more

Hey, I may be younger than you but I have seen my fair share of 'clients' marital woes in my previous life in the social services

So.. hang tough ...

[aczeta76]

Originally Posted by adviseme

I beg you, please pray for me and my son. For He is the only one that can help me now.

The lord will help you but please remember that ultimately, your life is in your hands.

Pray for strength and wisdom but most imptly, pray for love to enter your heart and heal you..

[SR71]

Hi sis, your mail box is full... PM me when you have clear your mailbox... I'll try to help you to get out of this emotional trauma....

[sammyboyfor]

Originally Posted by OC.SIN09

Hi Sis,

A close friend mine once advised me that things happen for a reason.

Huh? I've never heard such crock in all my life!

[Spanner]

[QUOTE=adviseme;4147171]Dear Spanner

praise the Lord for intervening in your marriage. glory be to God. May He bless your marriage richly and guide you and your wife through your lives together.

I sure can do with some divine intervention now. I have fasted and prayed for 3 days months ago when he was cold towards me. I started fasting and praying again after his confession on Saturday morning. I am waiting for the Lord to help me, in His time. It is painful but I will wait upon Him.

I wish i could give my marriage another go now but it is out of my hands.

I beg you, please pray for me and my son. For He is the only one that can help me now.[/QUOTE

I will try to pray for your family that your marriage will be save by the Lord. If you can, together with him, seek help from Father Bill Heng (Novena Church). He is currently counselling my wife and me.

Also try your best to go with him for the marriage encounter course. I believe he will go with you.

You can Pm me for his contact number. Take care and God Bless Always.

[ethen]

get on with ur life, even if he is to die tomorrow you will still need to live on with ur son. just be prepared for the worst 3 yrs annulment might just be the way out.

there is a saying;

free the bird, if it fly back its yours,

time will heal all pain.but i the mean time look ahead, though not easy.
for ur son. i believe you can do it.

rgds
ethen

[KingEros]

Originally Posted by adviseme

6 months ago, he finally told me he doesnt feel the same anymore, but denied that there was anybody else...

He finally came clean today. He has been sleeping with a colleague for almost a year now. She is also married, with a young child, has no problem with her husband. ... He does not expect to marry her but decided to come clean as he is tired of hiding and lying.

So far, all you have are affidavits from your husband ... have you actually verified every single thing he tells you? Look, a liar will need more lies to cover up the very first lie ... that's the only truth in this world.

Anyways, some nice lady just mentioned the theory of "everything happens for a reason" ... I understand what she is saying, but I call this same theory "it takes 2 hands to clap".

Look, this is not an issue of your husband cheating on you by engaging some street-walkers for paid sex ... it is an affair with a married woman that has now gone beyond "blame it on a spur-of-a-moment impulsion of my little brother".
I mean, just like your husband was facing the risk of wrecking his own family (specifically, losing the love & respect of his precious son), the married colleague was facing the same ... if she was not facing marital problems (just like your husband was), then why did she allow it to happen? Even if your husband was her sexual fantasy, how did that novelty not wear off after this 1 whole year?

Anyways, what's the point of getting advised of who's right & who's wrong now? The only thing I can deduce from here is that your husband is not doing this for the thrill of it, he is dead serious that he has found a woman whom HE THINKS is much better than you are.
The fact that you are really a better wife, a better mother, a better housekeeper, etc etc ... is IMMATERIAL, at least for the foreseeable future.

Originally Posted by adviseme

the latest update is: the other woman's husband has found out about the affair. seems very likely that she will divorce him and give him full custody of her son to be with my husband. ...

This is the point of no return already ... simply becoz in your husband's eyes, he had a hand in wrecking this woman's family, so being the man that he is (this is meant as sarcasm, not that I'm on his side), he'll wanna take up the responsibility of taking care of her from here, ever after.
Whether it's from you or a professional counsellor, the reminder to your husband that he also had a hand in wrecking another woman's family will still fall on deaf ears ... why?
One represents the regretted past, one represents the promising future ... which would you pick, if you were him?

Yes, life is this simple ... you just need to know where to look.

Originally Posted by adviseme

i honestly dont know how long i am going to take. it isnt fair to my husband but i need the time to speak to counsellor, lawyer and get a grip on the situation. too many things have happended over the this weekend and i am not sure if i am still sane.

What you are doing now is still your instinctive defence mechanism (aka self-denial) working overtime ... look at it this way, if your boss tells you he finds you a nuisance & he wants to employ someone else to take over you, would your reaction have been the same?

Like what boss said, get a grip on yourself ... & walk on. Further down the road, you'd start to realise even the air smells sweeter ... remember this: though you lost a husband, you gained a son who's gonna be with you (in mind, body & soul) for years to come.
Hey, wait a minute, you never had your husband to start with ... so what did you really lose?

Most importantly, dun you lose your dignity ... & the strength & courage to live life for your son.
Of course, if you have the occasional sexual urges, you can always come back to this forum to seek help.