Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he needs Viagra.

The mom asks, "Why on earth do you need that?"

The little boy replies,"Isn't that what you give dad when HIS shit won't get hard?!"

[bigbirdbird]

Thomas and Tamara were attending a dinner party so that Thomas's mother could meet Tamara for the first time.

Towards the end of the evening, Tamara approached Thomas and asked if there was a problem, as Thomas's mother seemed to be avoiding her after the introduction.

"Honestly, my dear," Thomas said, "Mother finds you to be, how should I put it, a bit on the crude side."

"Crude? Doesn't she know that I come from one of the most respected families in Boston? That I was educated in Europe? That I attended the finestfinishing schools on the East Coast? That I attended Vassar, graduating Magna Cum Laude?" Tamara asked.

"Yes, yes, my love, I told her all that," Thomas replied.

"Then where in the fuck does that bitch come off with all that crude bullshit?"

[bigbirdbird]

There are two sperm and they're swimming and swimming and swimming for what seems like forever. They're starting to get tired and one sperm says to the other, "Do you think we should pull over and ask for directions?"

The other sperm replies, "Naaaahhhhh, we can find it."

So, they keep swimming. Finally, they see another sperm, who's almost dead, and decide to stop and ask for directions. They ask, "Do you think you can help us get to where we are going?"

The almost dead sperm says, "I'll try, where ya going?"

The two sperms reply, "Well, we're trying to find the fallopian tubes so that we can try and fertilize the egg."

The almost dead sperm just starts laughing. The other two sperms look at one another, somewhat confused, and ask, "What's so funny?"

The almost dead sperm finally regains his composure and replies, "Well, you guys have a long way to go...... you're still in the esophagus."

[bigbirdbird]

The young novice nun soon realized that the absence of sex in the convent was a problem.

She confessed to Mother Superior that it was unhealthy and she was restless.

"Comfort yourself with a candle," she was advised.

"I've tried that," she said, "But you get tired of the same thing wick in and wick out."

[ShakeBon]

Nice jokes, thanks!!

[lobangkingz]

Great jokes!

[veronicanguyen]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he needs Viagra.

The mom asks, "Why on earth do you need that?"

The little boy replies,"Isn't that what you give dad when HIS shit won't get hard?!"

Nice jokes and thank you.

[UbiRd1]

Very good jokes, thank you!!

[Wu Song Jr]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he needs Viagra.

The mom asks, "Why on earth do you need that?"

The little boy replies,"Isn't that what you give dad when HIS shit won't get hard?!"

Hahahaa ... nice joke bro bigbirdbird

Big Huat Arh !!!

[bigbirdbird]

Three men walk into a bar and sit down at the counter.

The first thing that the bartender tells them is not to go into the back room, it is forbidden!

Naturally, as soon as the bartender leaves, one of then men goes into the room.

He sees a really hot, big-breasted woman in there and hundreds of penises all over the walls.

She walks up to him and grabs him by the nuts and asks him what his father did for a living.

He tells her that he was a meat grinder....so she pulls out a meat grinder and grinds up his dick....he runs out screaming.

The second man goes in the room and the same thing happens, except he says,

My father was a butcher."

So she chops it off and he runs out screaming.

Then the third man goes in and once again the same thing happens.

But when she asks what his father did, he says, "He was a lollypop tester"

[bigbirdbird]

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house.

Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colours.

One day, they heard, "Yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns noticed that those colours perfectly matched the colors of their underwear.

She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "Black, black, black."

Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished. One of the nuns spoke up, "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird."

After saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.

Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house. They peeked at the bird.

At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.

Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, "Straight, Straight, Curly!"

[bigbirdbird]

Three old friends were chatting late into the night and eventually they went to sleep along side to each other.

Morning came! The guy who slept next to the window was awaken by the morning sun and said, "Gee, I had a great wet dream last night. I dreamt of this young and beautiful lady and she was jerking me off all night."

The guy who slept on the other side said, "That's funny, I had a similar dream last night. I dreamt of the beach in Hawaii. I met a beautiful blond and she was giving me the best hand-job ever!"

The guy who slept in the middle was awaken by the conversation. "Morning guys", he said. "Did you guys sleep well? I sure did. I dreamt of the time where we all went downhill skiing in the mountains. It was great!"

[bigbirdbird]

Three girls worked in an office with the same female boss and each day they noticed that the boss left work early.

One day the three decided that when their boss left, they would leave shortly after her.

After all, she never came back to work so she would never know that they went home early too.

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent time playing with her son and enjoyed her evening.

The redhead was pleased to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprised her husband but when she got to her bedroom she heard noises coming from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her boss lady riding her husbands dick.

Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going to do likewise.

"No way", the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!!"

[bigbirdbird]

Three guys were sitting at the bar.

The first guy said, "You know, I'm really lucky. When my wife makes love, she's like an acrobat. She can get into the most incredible positions."

The second guy said, "I'm lucky, too. My wife is like a world-class pianist when we have sex. She's got the most talented hands you can imagine."

No one spoke for a moment. Then the first guy said to the third guy, "George how's you wife in bed?"

George took a sip of his beer, then replied, "I guess you could say that my wife makes love like a chess player."

"A chess player?"

Yeah. Every twenty minutes, she moves."

[bigbirdbird]

Three honeymooning couples find themselves in adjacent rooms in a hotel.

As they are getting undressed, the first man says to his wife, "What huge buttocks!" Much offended, she threw him into the corridor.

The second man, also undressing, says to his wife, "Christ! What huge breasts!"

She is also greatly offended and throws him out into the corridor.

Several minutes later, the third newlywed husband arrives in the corridor as well.

The other two ask, "What happened? Did you put your foot in it?"

"No, but I could have!" the third man replied.