Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

WHAT A GUY SHOULD NOT SAY AFTER SEX


* "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."

* "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"

* "How come it's so BIG in there?"

* "You've done this with a lotta guys before, right?"

* "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"

* (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"

* (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"

* "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"

* "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."

* "Do you know what a 'douche' is?"

* "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."

* "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."

* "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"

* "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"

* "I never saw a girl with hairy boobs before!"

* "I've been getting these little blisters lately....."

* "You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"

* "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"

[bigbirdbird]

Wedding Text Messages ..................

The Bureau of Meteorology forecasts rainstorms so the bride can expect a few good inches overnight.

Love is a thousand miles long but comes in six inch installments.

"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it."

Confucious say man who sink into womans arms soon have arms in womans sink.

Sorry I cannot be at Wedding... Please send me a photo of Bride and Groom Mounted.

Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and She'll last for many years.

Dont keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door.

Treat him like a flower... grab him by the stalk.

If you don't want the Stork to come, Shoot in the air.

Go for it mate. We all did!

All the best from Mr and Mrs Farkin and all the Farkin kids.

She offered her honour, He honoured her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.

Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an Off- Spring next Spring.

Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, One long hard route.

Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whisky makes you Frisky, but its a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.

Travel Agency to Bride:
The grooms face leaves at midnight. Be on it.

Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.

Football coach to bride:
If you've tried him in 18 positions and he's still no good, pull him off.

Treat the Bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.

[bigbirdbird]

Two polish coal miners (Ernie & Rich) were down in the mine working. The noon whistle blew for lunch and Ernie pulled out a thermos of hot coffee. Rich looks at it and says, "Say, Ernie, vat you got dere?"

Ernie says, "Dis is a 2 quart termos bottle."

Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one."

That night Rich goes home, but forgets what it is called. So the next day they are down in the mine working again and the noon whistle blows for lunch and Ernie pulls out his thermos of hot coffee. Rich looks at it and says, "Say, Ernie, vat you got dere?"

Ernie says, "Dis is a 2 quart termos bottle."

Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one."

That night Rich goes home, but forgets what it is called again. Well Rich really wants one of these things. So he decides the next day when he asks he's going to write it down so he remembers what it is.

The next day they are down in the mine working again and the noon whistle blows for lunch and Ernie pulls out his thermos of hot coffee. Rich looks at it and says, "Say, Ernie, vat you got dere?"

Well, by this time Ernie's getting pretty upset. Every day Rich asks what it is and never remembers so he decides to just make up stuff since Rich isn't going to remember anyway.

So Ernie says, "Dis is a contraceptive."

Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one." And he writes it down. That night Rich is in the neighborhood drug store and the pharmacist sees him walking around and says to him, "Can I help you?"

Rich says, "Ya, I'd like a contraceptive."

And the pharmacist says, "Sure, what size?"

Rich says, "Give me da 2 quart size, I'll be working in da hole all day!"

[LongWait]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Two polish coal miners (Ernie & Rich) were down in the mine working. The noon whistle blew for lunch and Ernie pulled out a thermos of hot coffee. Rich looks at it and says, "Say, Ernie, vat you got dere?"

Ernie says, "Dis is a 2 quart termos bottle."

Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one."

That night Rich goes home, but forgets what it is called. So the next day they are down in the mine working again and the noon whistle blows for lunch and Ernie pulls out his thermos of hot coffee. Rich looks at it and says, "Say, Ernie, vat you got dere?"

Ernie says, "Dis is a 2 quart termos bottle."

Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one."

That night Rich goes home, but forgets what it is called again. Well Rich really wants one of these things. So he decides the next day when he asks he's going to write it down so he remembers what it is.

The next day they are down in the mine working again and the noon whistle blows for lunch and Ernie pulls out his thermos of hot coffee. Rich looks at it and says, "Say, Ernie, vat you got dere?"

Well, by this time Ernie's getting pretty upset. Every day Rich asks what it is and never remembers so he decides to just make up stuff since Rich isn't going to remember anyway.

So Ernie says, "Dis is a contraceptive."

Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one." And he writes it down. That night Rich is in the neighborhood drug store and the pharmacist sees him walking around and says to him, "Can I help you?"

Rich says, "Ya, I'd like a contraceptive."

And the pharmacist says, "Sure, what size?"

Rich says, "Give me da 2 quart size, I'll be working in da hole all day!"

Hahaha nice one!!

[bigbirdbird]

A male's most important Organ supposedly as described by some of these most beautiful women of the world at the Miss Universe Contest.

Question: Ms Australia , how do you describe a Male Organ in your country?

Ms Australia : Well, I can say that Male Organs in Australia are like labourers.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms Australia : Because they work day and night.
(Applause! Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms Malaysia, how do you describe a Male Organ in your country?

Ms Malaysia: Well, I can say that Male Organs in Malaysia are like Proton Cars.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms Malaysia: Because they look tough but are actually very soft.
(Applause! Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms Kuwait, how do you describe a Male Organ in your country?

Ms Kuwait: Well, I can say that Male Organs in Kuwait are like thieves.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms Kuwait: Because they like to enter through the back door.
(Applause! Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms Philippines, how do you describe a Male Organ in your country?

Ms Philippines: Well, I can say that Male Organs in our country are like gossips or rumours.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms Philippines: Because they pass from mouth to mouth.
(Applause! Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms America, how do you describe a Male Organ in your country?

Ms America: Well, I can say that Male Organs in our country are like gentlemen.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms America: Because they stand up every time they see a woman.

(Applause! Applause! Applause!)

AND THE AWARD GOES TO Ms India..

Question: Ms India , how do you describe a Male Organ in your country?

Ms India: Well, I can say that Male Organs in India are like Rats.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms India: Because they are always searching for new holes day and night...

[JustANewbie]

Nice jokes. Keep it coming.

[UnfairPrice]

Thanks for sharing funny jokes

[bigbirdbird]

A woman made an appointment with her gynecologist.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the doctor.

"Something is terribly wrong. I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."

The doctor had a look, chuckled and answered, "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off bananas!"

[bigbirdbird]

A woman was out shopping one day with her son. The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, Momma, look at the bowlegged man!"

Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading the play.

Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall.

Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time.

So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear their balls in parentheses?"

[bigbirdbird]

Top Ten Rejected Valentines Day Cards

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk. But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow. Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store. In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right. I just wish it wasn't $250 a night

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class. Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished. But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass. Our love has grown. . . But so's your ass.

3. You're a honey. . . And you're a Cutie. I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny. So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister. You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

[bigbirdbird]

Need a Valentine's Verse???
Look no further! ...

POEM # 1
Roses are red,
Pickles are green
I love your legs and what's between

POEM # 2
Roses are red
Grass is green
Open your legs
And I'll fuck you clean

POEM # 3
I like your style
I like your class
but most of all I like your ass

POEM # 4
I'm a cool girl, in a cool town
it takes a real mother fucker to put me down

POEM # 5
Kissing is a habit
Fucking is a game
Guys get all the pleasure
Girls get all the pain
The guy says I love you
You believe its true
But when your tummy starts to swell,
He says 'to hell with you'
10 minutes of pleasure
9 months in pain
3 days in hospital
A baby without a name
The baby is a bastard
The mother is a whore
This never wouldn't have happened
If the rubber wouldn't have torn

POEM # 6
Guys are like roses,
Watch out for the pricks.

POEM # 7
Smoke a smoke
Not a butt
Fuck a virgin
Not a slut.

POEM # 8
Sex is bad
Sex is a sin
Sins are forgiven
So stick it in.

POEM #9 Holy mother , full of grace
Bless my boyfriend's gorgeous face
Bless his hair that tends to curl
Keep him safe from all the girls
Bless his arms that are so strong
Keep his hands where they belong
Bless his dick, the one I sucked
Bless the bed, in which we fucked
And if my mum happened to walk in
Bless the shit I'd be in.

POEM # 10
Sex is when a guys communication
enters a girls information
to increase the population
for a younger generation
do you get the information...
or do you need a demonstration

POEM # 11
Men are like public toilets
They are either engaged or full of shit!

POEM # 12
If guys had their periods
They would compare the size of their tampons!

POEM # 13
Mental anxiety,
Mental breakdowns,
Menstrual cramps,
Menopause...
Did you ever notice how all our problems begin with MEN!

POEM # 14
Roses are red,
Violets are corny,
When I think of you
Ohh baby I get horny,
Eat me,
Beat Me,
Bite me,
Blow me,
Suck me,
Fuck me,
Very slowly,
if you kiss me,
don't be sassy,
Use your tongue and make it nasty!!!!

[bigbirdbird]

Whore House Slogans

1. More Fuck for your Buck!

2. More Honey for your Money!

3. More Gash for your Cash!

4. More Hole for your Pole!

5. More Head for your Bread!

6. More Booty for your Looty!

7. More Strange for your Change!

8. She'll Wear a Collar for a Dollar!

9. Will suck for a buck!

10.We'll Tally Whack Your Ban !

[bigbirdbird]

Sue was playing hard to get, so Greg played his last and biggest trump card. "I'll bet you I can keep my eye on my beer whilst 1 go out to my car," he challenged her.

Sue knew that this was impossible so she put down $10 and said, "You're on."

Greg took out a glass eye, placed it on the bar beside his glass, went out to his car, came back and claimed the bet." Tell you what, I'll give you a chance to win your money back", he said. I bet you $10 I can bite my own ear."

"No chance! You're on". said Sue.

He took out a set of false teeth and bit his ear lobe with them, and picked up the money once again he said. " To show you I am a sport,I'll give you another chance, Double or nothing. I bet you I can poke my head through this hole", he said, holding up his hand and making a circle with his thumb and forefinger.

Sue checked the size of the hole several times and said, "OK, smartie! You're on."

He poked the forefinger of his other hand through the hole and touched his forehead. "You're down $40", said Greg, "I'll give you one last chance to get your money back. 1 bet I can make love to you so gently, so tenderly that you won't even feel it."

Sue knew that this was just impossible, so she threw down $40 and said, "No way you can do that! You're on!"

Greg led Sue to the back seat of his car where he proceeded to bonk the daylights out of her, fucking furiously. "Oh wow! Oh God! Oh shit!" Sue screamed. "1 can feel it! oh my God, can I feel it!!! Oh WOW! You've lost the bet Mr. Smart Arse."

"Ah, what a bastard," said Greg as he continued fucking Sue, "but ...
you win some, you lose some"

[bigbirdbird]

Top 10 Answers Men Would Most Like To Give To Women's Stupid Questions, But Never Will

10. No, we can't be friends, I just want to use you for sex.

9. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all the fucking ice-cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

8. You've got shit chance of me calling you.

7. No, I won't be gentle.

6. Of course you have to swallow.

5. Well, yes actually, I do this all the time.

4. I hate your fucking friends.

3. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.

2. I'd rather watch a stick movie.

1. Eat it? It took me 10 schooners to get up the courage to fuck it.

[bigbirdbird]

There was once a woman who owned a dog that she named Titswiggle.

One day when she came home from work she discovered that her

beloved dog had run away. She was out all night asking if anyone had seen a loose dog. Nobody had seen him that night, but the next morning she met a little boy who said that he had seen a stray dog.

The dog he described matched hers exactly. Upon finding out this information she asked the young boy,

"Have you seen my Titswiggle?"

Then the boy said,

"No, but can that be my reward?"