Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Be Careful When You Masturbate!

Let's just say, *hypothetically,* that I decided to flog my dolphin last night just before retiring for the evening.

And let's just say that when I went to pee in the morning, some dried manchowder might have dried up around the opening to my prick, blocking the flow of urine.

And let's just say that that blockage, might have caused urine to back up inside my rod for a second or two, creating an unusually fierce spray of piss pressure once said blockage was busted.

And let's just say that this high velocity piss-stream shot off at a 45-degree angle to the left because of said blockage.

Let's just imagine that this 45-degree angle cause me to hit the ear of the cat who was perched not too far away, causing said cat to FLIP OUT, screech, and perform a 4-legged leap with a half-twist and quarter roll (difficulty of 6.8).

Let's just say there may have been an empty glass resting on the back of the toilet, which may or may not have been tossed off the back of the toilet by said cat in the aforementioned jump.

That glass, we might say, falls really close to my foot, lodging a small shard of glass into my left foot.

This lodging of said glass shard may have caused me to immediately grab said left foot, creating a situation of hopping on one leg (while still relieving myself, mind you) on a tile surface which is becoming increasingly wetter by the second.

Let's just say that it only takes a few hops on one foot on a slippery surface to end a physical event of such fashion.

AND LET'S JUST SAY that once my foot was taken out from underneath me, that I crashed into the shower door, knocking it off it's tracks and causing me to fall in the shower and somehow ending in a back down, face up position, legs elevated, with blood running down my leg, pee streaming down my body to my neck, and a new head-welt with massive headache to boot.

Let this be a lesson to you, next time you feel like rubbing your pole.

[bigbirdbird]

Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar.

"What's the matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down."

"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin."

"Why's that?"

"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

[WoodClipper]

Very good jokes, thanks!!

[stanin]

Nice jokes, thanks bro bigbirdbird

[bigbirdbird]

Little johnny is back

the teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "my family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

the teacher said, "that was good, but i wanted you to use the word 'fascinate,' not 'fascinating'."

sally raised her hand. She said, "my family went to see rock city and i was fascinated."

the teacher said, "well, that was good sally, but i wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'."

little johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by little johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.

Johnny said, "my aunt carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!"

the teacher sat down and cried.

[bigbirdbird]

The Itch

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around,
scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised, and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him go down to the principal's office he was to phone his mother, and ask her what he should do about it.
He did it and he returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate, to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom," she screamed.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school ..."

[bigbirdbird]

There once were four gay friends that lived in a small town.
Feeling the need for freedom to truly be themselves, they moved to the big city.
Once there they had a good ole time, but unfortunately one of them,
Lloyd, fell into the drug scene and ended up with aids.
After his death his three friends had his body cremated and got together
to divide his ashes so each could remember Lloyd in his own way.
The first friend said, “I am going to take Lloyd's ashes with me to the top of the highest mountain.
There I will have a hang glider and as I glide to earth I will scatter his ashes to the wind,
because Lloyd loved to hang glide."
The second friend said, "Well, I am going to go out on my boat with Lloyd's ashes and sail into the sea.
And when I am far away from all land I will scatter his ashes on the water, because Lloyd loved to sail."
The third friend just looked and them both and said, "Well, you can do whatever you want, but as for me,
I'm taking Lloyd's ashes with me to Wendy's and sprinkling them on a bowl of chili
so he can tear my ass up one more time!"

[bigbirdbird]

A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton.
The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting.
The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud.
"This is not the 1928 Mouton."
The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table,
including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton.
Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.
"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."
Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928.
"I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton.
You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time,
the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels.
You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them.
The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."
Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him,
"When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear.
Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers.
You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."

[salmun]

TQ to all who posted nice jokes.

[TehSeeKosong]

Tks for sharing nice jokes.

[bigbirdbird]

*1. Kamasutra says : If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one. And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!*

*2. Did you ever notice: everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs and lower body with a "P" Peticoat, panties, pussy... That's origin of "BP"!*

*3. Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.*

*4. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.*

*5. What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction? What the Fuck! and What a Fuck!*

*6. 3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!*

*7. Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.*

*8. Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life..!*

*9. When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach ad say "Congrats!". But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".*

*Moral: Hard work is never appreciated: Only result matters.*

[newbiesbf]

Bro bird - thanx for jokes.

[kokjin]

Very good jokes, thanks bro bigbirdbird

[MVP24]

thanks for the jokes..

[KnowItAll]

i like the jokes very much.. power.. more pls.