Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[UOBank]

hope bros will continue to share the jokes... always helps make my day.

[CapitalMall]

Always love these jokes.

[Trustees]

Bro bigbirdbird, tks for nice jokes

[HapyNewYear]

Bro bigbirdbird, thank you for sharing very good jokes.

[bigbirdbird]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 90 pence.

Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at tall."

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson whisky.

Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks.

Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free. At the tenth pub, Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more o'this. Me knees are killin' me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."

[bigbirdbird]

SIGNS SHE IS BORED IN BED:

Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.

Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.

Only moans during commercial breaks.

You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.

During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda."

Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.

Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.

Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.

Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"

Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.

Starts her fake orgasm during foreplay

[bigbirdbird]

A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class.

She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"

Little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"

The teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"

Little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the baby-sitters teeth."

[bigbirdbird]

Sex Education Alphabet


"A" for......Asshole
"B" for......Boobs
"C" for .....Cunnilingus
"D" for......Dick
"E" for......Entry
"F" for......Fondling
"G" for......G-spot
"H" for......Handjob
"I" for........Inside
"J" for.......Jerks
"K" for......Kiss
"L" for.......Lesbian
"M" for......Man
"N" for.......Nipples
"O" for......Oral
"P" for... ...Penetration
"Q" for......Quicky
"R" for.......Rape
"S" for......Strokes
"T" for.......Trio
"U" for.......Undressing
"V" for.......Vouyerism
"W" for......Womaniser
"X" for........X X X
"Y" for.......Young
"Z" for........Zest

[bigbirdbird]

Seventeen year old Marty came home and announced that he'd gotten laid for the first time.

Shocked, his mother slapped him and sent him to his room.

When his father got home and heard the news, he dutifully went to see his son.

Secretly pleased, he said "Well, Marty, I hope you learned something from this."

"Yes, I did, dad." Marty replied. "Next time I won't tell mom, and I'll use Vaseline.

My butt is killing me!"

[bigbirdbird]

LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent love-making session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied,"You're never home!"

DECEPTIVE SEX:
A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair.
One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love.
When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock.
They got dressed quickly.
Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn.
Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird.
The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door.
Upset, she asked where he'd been.
The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair.
Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes.
YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.
The Dr. said that the cost would be $3500 for "small," $6500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the Dr. urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The Dr. came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the Dr.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

[TedCruze]

Tks for nice jokes, bro bigbirdbird.

[BigIntestine]

Love these jokes always.

[NMCP]

very nice jokes, hope to read more.

[i^Xi0n]

great jokes bro, great share and please do keep it coming.

[NewJiewAP]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent love-making session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied,"You're never home!"

DECEPTIVE SEX:
A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair.
One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love.
When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock.
They got dressed quickly.
Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn.
Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird.
The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door.
Upset, she asked where he'd been.
The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair.
Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes.
YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.
The Dr. said that the cost would be $3500 for "small," $6500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the Dr. urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The Dr. came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the Dr.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

Returned 3 concert tickets