Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's shit... that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:

You can get shit-faced, be shit-out-of-luck, or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head..........

Well, Shit Happens!!

[JorgeM]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles he asks the driver what the monkey is for.

The driver says "I'll show you" and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.

The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker head. When finished ,the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.

"See that" said the trucker.

The man said "Yeah".

The trucker ask the man "You want to try it?"

The man said "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"

Nice one bro!

[hydroble]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's shit... that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:

You can get shit-faced, be shit-out-of-luck, or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head..........

Well, Shit Happens!!

Good shit joke

[Emilliyacunt]

Good jokes here, TS thanks!

[cupid xpress]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles he asks the driver what the monkey is for.

The driver says "I'll show you" and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.

The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker head. When finished ,the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.

"See that" said the trucker.

The man said "Yeah".

The trucker ask the man "You want to try it?"

The man said "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"

This is so funny... He he he

[KnowItAll]

great jokes... i like it very much bro... share more soon pls.

[refinery]

Thanks bro bigbirdbird for sharing good jokes!

[ah rat]

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[bigbirdbird]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are lying in bed one night.

Sherlock runs off to the kitchen and comes back with a jar of lemon curd.

Quickly he turns Dr Watson over onto his knees and starts smearing it around his bum.

"Sherlock,what the hell are you doing?" Dr Watson gasps.

Sherlock smiles and replies.

"It's a lemon entry my dear Watson".

[bigbirdbird]

Sex is like a restaurant…

Sometimes you get good service.
Sometimes you get bad services.
Sometimes you get no service.
But sometimes you should be happy with self-service.

[bigbirdbird]

Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case...

Statistician: There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.

Physicist (Theoretical): Shit SHOULD happen.

Physicist (Experimental): To within experimental error, shit DID happen.

Engineer: I hope this shit holds together.

Chemist: I hope this shit doesn't blow up.

Biologist: Is this shit alive?

Economist: I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand this shit.

Beurocrat: I'm sorry, but we make this shit happen until you fill out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...

CEO: (1980's) I've got all the shit I want. (1990's) Oh, SHIT!

Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.

Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning.

Surgeon: Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?

Psychologist: Shit is in your mind. Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing its subconscious shittiness.

Programmer: It's shit, but at least it compiles.

Social Scientist: Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...

Politician: It's shit, but it'll get me elected. If you elect me, shit will never again happen. Shit happening is bad for the economy.

Waitress: You want fries with that shit?

Musician: This shit is out of tune.

Dean: Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.

Accountant: Why doesn't this shit add up?

Linguist: What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri.

Quality Control Inspector: This shit ain't good enough.

IRS Auditor: I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.

Farmer: I get subsidies for my shit.

Union leader: Give us more shit or we'll strike.

Mafia boss: Rub the little shits out.

NYC Cab Driver: Damn, looks like I hit that shit...

[bigbirdbird]

There was a very unusual hospital where one of the main treatments was that the nurses would take the male patients home and sleep with them.

But there was one patient, Rob, no one wanted to take him home. He was a small man, and he had tattooed on his penis the word 'SHORTY'.

Well, finally, Valerie, feels sorry for him and takes him home and sleeps with him.

She comes back to work the next day smiling. The other nurses ask what she could possibly be so happy about after sleeping with a guy with SHORTY written on his penis.

"Yes," replies Valerie, "but when he becomes aroused, it says, 'SHORTY'S RESTAURANT AND PIZZERIA'."

"Wow!" they say.

"'ORDERS TO TAKE OUT'," Valerie continues.
"'ALL BAKING DONE ON PREMISES..."

The others stand there staring, in total surprise.

"ESTABLISHED 1922...PARTIES ARE OUR SPECIALTY'." Valerie finished.

[bigbirdbird]

She's A Keeper If You Hear A Woman Say . . .

I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.

I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now!

This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang bang.

Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wetspot.

Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse.

That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch pornos again?

I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby- sitter Tracy.

You're my daddy! You're my daddy!

The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl?
(Good one!)

While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.

Bar food again!? Kick ass.

l Liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girl-friend has class.

That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.

I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's day gift!

Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.

I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?

It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.

Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila shot off of Chuck's bare ass!

My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.

I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.

Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!

You are so much smarter than my father.

If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sportscenter.

[windy2]

Originally Posted by ah rat

__________________________

Hahahaha wtf

[padlocked]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Sex is like a restaurant…

Sometimes you get good service.
Sometimes you get bad services.
Sometimes you get no service.
But sometimes you should be happy with self-service.

So very true