Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[VRossi1980]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

I Like Rodeo Best

this is funny! thanks bro for sharing it.

[relentless1]

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

Very nice joke.

I wish to get no clothes gals too.

[boisterous]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Muru went to London to earn money and after 6 months he sent letter to wife: "I set up business. Sold 40 mattresses and 5,000 panties so far and earned £50,000.00

Father saw the letter and replied: "You better close your shop and come home soon as Your Wife made £100,000.00 with one mattress and no panties!!!

Very funny and thanks for sharing bro bigbigbird.

[pipedream]

Great joke bro!

Thank you very much.

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

I Like Rodeo Best


Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions:

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one", says the other cowboy, "what is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's." And then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."

[tianjin]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Matchmaker


The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr. Avery, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.

"Don't bother," replies Mr. Avery, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all of my needs."

"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

"I said 'two sisters' -- I didn't say they were MY sisters!"

Damn funny and lovely jokes here in this nice thread.

[fusdccb]

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

I don't mind taking a look too.

[eggbiscuit]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Muru went to London to earn money and after 6 months he sent letter to wife: "I set up business. Sold 40 mattresses and 5,000 panties so far and earned £50,000.00

Father saw the letter and replied: "You better close your shop and come home soon as Your Wife made £100,000.00 with one mattress and no panties!!!

Love this joke!! thanks bro bigbirdbird

[kimoshabe]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot sex.

He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, ‘How am I doing?’

The prostitute replies, ‘Well Norman, you old sailor, you’re doing about three knots.’

‘Three knots?’ he asks. ‘ What’s that supposed to mean?’

She says, ‘You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back.

Nice share bro, so many good jokes in this excellent thread.

[Bnzr]

What a thread! Thanks all for sharing

[precioustone]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Frannie went to the doctor, saying she had a problem with her aviaries.

The doctor said, "Frannie, you're being silly. You mean ovaries.

Aviaries are where you find birds."

Frannie shook her head and said she meant *aviaries*.

Not prepared to argue, the doctor told her to get on the couch for an inspection.

After a quick look, he said, "Well, Frannie, you're right!

There's been a cockatoo in there."

Fantastic joke by bro bigbirdbird, thanks!!

[bigbirdbird]

Takin’ a Day Off from Work


A man takes the day off work and Decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he Notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, ‘Ribbit 9 Iron.'

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked!! He says to the frog, 'Wow that's amazing.. You must be a lucky frog, eh?’

The frog replies, 'Ribbit Lucky frog.'

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. 'What do you think, frog?' the man asks.

'Ribbit 3 wood.'

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! On the green in one, 14” from the cup. The man is befuddled and doesn't know quite what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, 'OK where to next?'

The frog replies, 'Ribbit Las Vegas .. '

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, 'OK frog, now What?'

The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette'

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, 'What do you think I should Bet?' The frog replies, 'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures, 'what the heck.'

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the Hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, 'Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.'

The frog replies, 'Ribbit, kiss me.'

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he does deserve it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 16-year-old girl.

'And that, Your Honor, is how the girl ended up in my room, so help me God! Or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton!'

[bigbirdbird]

The Ship’s Cook



The admiral visited one of the ships under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief replied, “I’d be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.”

Horrified the Admiral exclaims, “That’s very unhygienic!”

The Chief shrugs and replies, “Well, if that’s the way you feel, Sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts.”

[bigbirdbird]

A Minister Gives a Talk to the Lions Club on Sex


When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.

She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice."

"The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off!"

[bigbirdbird]

Extracts from the problem page of the famous Australian men's magazine "Cobbler's", starring the legendary "Uncle Bruce,"... the " agony aunt with Balls"

Q. Dear Bruce I have some lucky condoms that I keep in my wallet. I am beginning to wonder if they really are lucky as they have been there for two months.
A. Jesus mate, no worries. Men only use rubbers when they are sober anyway. Guess that means you've been pissed for two months which makes you one lucky bastard! Just on a medical note rubbers are good when you do an Abo as they are smelly bastards, Oh and Roos too, helps avoid bush rash.


Q. Dear Bruce my girlfriend got upset when I suggested I use an old girlfriend's vibrator on her.

A. No worries. I've seen this before. Women need reassuring. Tell the stupid bitch that you have cleaned it since you last used it. Sometimes Sheila's get hung up on hygiene.


Q. Dear Bruce I gave my sister one up the shitter and now she wants me to do her mate.

A. Eh mate you're from Melbourne right? No worries mate, as long as her mate is a Sheila it's ok.


Q. Dear Bruce, After my last Hockey game I got an erection in the showers. Is this normal , I am a single guy and like girls.

A. Nah mate you're queer. Only queers play hockey.


Q .Dear Bruce, my wife says I don't use enough lubricant before we have sex.

A. Exactly how many beers are you drinking before you root her ?


Q. Dear Bruce , I am beginning to suspect I am gay. I wear leather trousers and have just grown a Freddie Mercury moustache. I don't know who to turn to.

A. Get a grip of yourself man. Face facts, be logical: You're queer, no one likes you , get a gun, blow your brains out.


Q. Dear Bruce my girl friend says we don't do enough foreplay.

A. Geez mate, you had me stumped for a bit. I didn't recognise the word Foreplay. Then it struck me, Fore is what you shout in golf.. Jeez guy, men don't play golf with women but it's ok for her practice putting with your dick.


Q. Dear Bruce, I fooled around with a Kiwi and now I have a dose. What do I do ?

A. Deny ,deny, deny, deny, deny and never ever ,ever, ever ,ever admit to going with a kiwi.


Q. Bruce the boys are telling me there is such a thing as Dingo sex. What is it ?

A. There are two types. The first one when you wake up next to a f*cking ugly Sheila and you chew your arm off to escape rather than wake her, just like a dingo caught in a trap, and the other one is when you drink too much and your old boy it Dingo in and dingo hard.

[bigbirdbird]

A woman walks past three men in the office who are all bemoaning the fact they are about to be audited during the coming month.

Says the first guy with a groan, "I'm screwed!"

"I'm screwed, too!" says the other guy, slapping his forehead.

"Guys, I am about to be fucked beyond all recognition by this audit!" exclaims the third guy in anguish.

Just then, one of the guys notices the woman who has been standing there listening.

She now has a very thoughtful look on her face.

"Are you OK?" asks the guy.

"Yes," replies the woman, "but I was wondering... How do I go about getting audited?"